Celebrities love nothing more than, opening a shopping centre, enjoying a glass of champagne and indulging in a few hours of passionate sex. But sex with a celebrity is not complete without the celebrity sex tape.

Kylie Minogue may be small but she has the sexual appetite of a monster. A source informs us: “Kylie carries her Sex Tape everywhere she goes just in case she comes across that special someone. It’s a Maxell 60 tape. Sixty Minutes of sexy tunes spread out along that brown shiny tape and encased in erotic transparent packaging, see-through is Kylie’s favourite colour. It has sticky white paper on it with ‘Kylie’s Sex Tape’ scrawled all over in the handwriting of someone who has just had the most passionate sex of their life.’ The source continues…

On a night like This Kylie’s Got to Be Certain that she can play the tape at the most impromptu moments so she always carries in her handbag a walkman and a pair of hot, round, firm, pink speakers which she can plug in as she gets a plug in. Kylie likes to take it Slow and teases her sex partner by gently rubbing her finger around the play button. As she pulls her lover close to her and takes his tongue in her antipodean vocal hole she tells him ‘This is Especially for You’ presses her finger down on play – real hard and Wow!. The first track on the tape is Roger Whitaker’s unique version of Wind Beneath my wings and it’s Love at First Sight. The whistling and emotional turmoil sends Kylie into a sexual frenzy and she tests her lover by slapping him and spitting in his face. It’s In Your Eyes she tells him. She repeats this throughout the track and then calms the situation by following with some Simply Red as her lovers cheek is a glowing crimson. Kylie loves her men to be meaty but a bit Slow so she plays them Simple Minds to bring the point home as their Two Hearts meet. After a few minutes of sexually Spinning Around Kylie likes her session to reach a spiritual level so the next track is We Are The World by USA for Africa. Her lover is in a hurry, Give Me Just a Little More Time she tells him as Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together blasts out of the tight Speakerphone. The frogs sweet chorus is a cause for Celebration as Kylie indulges in role reversal and demands to her partner ‘Put Yourself in My Place’. This Red Blooded Woman could go all night but she’s got to perform at an expensive gig in Saudi Arabia. Come Into My World she commands and then goes mad shouting ‘There’s Tears on My Pillow’ which she simply cannot abide. He asks her why ‘Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi’ Responds the X neighbours star. After mopping up Kylie is normally full of regret ‘Did it Again’ she says to herself as she storms out of the room. ‘Please Stay’ asks her lover ‘I Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ He shouts as the door slams ‘What Do I Have to Do?’ He Cries and although Kylie’s exit was rather rude he admits ‘I Wouldn’t Change A Thing’. Meanwhile Kylie has packed the Sex Tape back into her handbag and runs to catch a Locomotion to that expensive gig in Dubai, the source tells us.