Dear Royal Albert Hall

Could you please send me a list of costings for approximately 35 children and 94 adults on 13th August 2009. We are having a cold buffet meal which will be supplied my good friend Jamie Oliver and my good friend Louie Walsh has guaranteed that entertainment will be provided in the form of Westlife. My daughter very much admires Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson who shall burst out of a large gift box and frighten her to death.

I won just short of 16M on the lottery so I really do not mind how much it costs. I just hope that I am treated with the same respect that people who are born into money are treated with, such as the Queen and Tara Palmer Tomkinson, who is a very close friend of mine.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Leigh

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the hiring of the Royal Albert Hall.

We very much regret that the Hall is not available on the date you request as it has been booked by the BBC for their annual summer Proms season.

We do hope you will be able to find an alternative venue.

Yours Sincerely,

Elizabeth Abusch

Customer Services Co-ordinator

Mariah’s Chart Battle

Mariah Carey and Westife will go head to head this week in the most controversial chart battle ever. Both will be releasing the same cover version on the same day and, throughout the week, fight out the battle for the number one spot.

Asked on how they were going to win the fight, Westlife’s Shane said “I’m going to punch her in the throat. Kevin is going to wind her. The blonde one is going to kick her and the gay one is going to give her a good old bitch slap.”

Mariah, who was blessed with her beautiful voice after accidentally banging her front bum on a table corner, is rumoured to be taking advantage of America’s relaxed firearms policy. We will find out who wins the battle when it’s announced on Hospital Radio this Sunday.