Richard and Judy face the axe

The parents of drug addict Chloe Madeley, Richard and Judy, are in hiding today after details emerged that the couple are to face the axe.

“I can’t believe it,” wept Judy. “She was only sucking on a bong. I’ve sucked worse, especially in my youth, but my parents didn’t get threatened with an inhumane death penalty. Mind you, they’d kill me themselves if they found out the nature of the things I’d had in my mouth because they’re both very racist.”

A spokesman from Amnesty International released the following statement. “Amnesty International is against such means of savage brutality but on this occasion have decided to turn a blind eye as we had a show of hands in the office this morning and everyone agreed that the couple should be axed.”

Richard has yet to comment on the issue but pals say he’s taking it in his stride. “Oh, you know Richard. He’s totally relaxed and cool about it.”

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown was last night asked to do all he can to protect the dynamic duo from such a vicious termination and he released the following statement, “No”.

Below: Remind yourself of Richard and Judy’s finest moment. When Judy exposed herself on live television and as a result found herself in the evil clutches of TV’s Mr Nasty, John Leslie who couldn’t resist running onto stage for a closer look and a smell of Judy’s hair.

Dear John Leslie

You walked past me and you were wearing beige corduroy trousers with a dark brown leather belt which had a gold buckle, there were two holes to spare on your belt but there were evident signs of wear on the last hole suggesting that you had either borrowed the belt from someone who was larger than you or recently lost some weight. You looked very smart with your shirt collar sticking out of your navy blue lambs-wool jumper, although, and I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you could have done with a once over from a de-fuzzer. I don’t suppose you have one of those though do you John? I remember being surprised that you had, possibly, three days growth of stubble but then I thought that you were probably taking a break from the strict shaving regimes that are necessary for your television appearances. I could tell that you looked after your skin and moisturised regularly but suffered slightly with open pores. I have never noticed this problem on the countless photographs I have of you so I’m assuming that a talented make-up artist gave you some valuable advice on this matter.

I smiled and thought, thank God, he’s human when I noticed the small amount of sleep gathered in the nook of your left eye. You must have felt my stare because you lifted your perfectly manicured hand and as you smoothed out your light crows feet with your thumb you wiped away the offensive dried green residue with your index finger (there was a terrible wick on there John, I was worried it would become infected).

I followed you all afternoon and stood behind you at the ice-cream van, as you were asking for a Mr Whippy with a flake and nuts on, I leaned forward and deeply inhaled your scent. It was more than a smell John, it became a feeling! You may remember a fracas that occurred shortly after you had made your purchase as unfortunately I heard someone say something insulting about you and your relationship with Catherine Zeta-Jones and there was nothing that I could do other than punch her full-on in the face. I broke her nose and she suffered from severe concussion and it was then that we parted company as I was escorted from the fate by armed police.

I later discovered that your scent came in a bottle labelled Givenchy Pour Homme. Now I always smell like you. Anyway John I’ve got to go as my wife is calling me downstairs for supper. It’s my youngest son’s Holy Communion tomorrow and I’ve lots to prepare. I hope this has an effect on my son because I’m now estranged from my eldest son as he chose hairdressing over his religion and I refuse to have a gender-blender under my roof.

Please may I have a signed photograph of you because now my son is dead to me I have a spare frame on the mantle.