Fans of Michael Jackson had to literally wipe the excitement off their faces when the “King of Pop” announced his forthcoming dates at the o2 arena. Tickets go on sale next week but we can exclusively reveal that advance tickets are already being sold.

Pervert

Top venue bosses have decided to sell cloakroom tickets in advance for the advantage of those concert goers who are contemplating taking a coat. Tickets are already selling fast. But is it worth the £1.50 asking price? Cloakroom attendant Lynne Baker thinks so. “I think it’s worth it because if you’ve got a big heavy coat with valuables in the pocket, you don’t want to be leaving it on your seat because the likelihood is, a street urchin or pervert could pinch it and you could end up with nothing. What’s £1.50 when you’ve saved yourself the price of a new coat?”

Blouse

To buy or not to buy is not the only question as Jacko fans are burdened with another dilemma – should they or, should they not wear a coat. Some fans will be wearing their red military jackets in honour the “King of Poop” but normal people won’t be getting dressed up, they’ll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt or blouse or possibly a jumper depending on the weather which is another factor which will affect the decision fans make when it comes to coat wearing.

Moist

We contacted weatherman John Kettley, who is very much still alive, to ask whether coats are likely to be essential garments at the Michael Jackson shows in July. He told us, “I spoke to the Met Office this morning and unfortunately the weather forecasts are unavailable for the ten dates in July. However, if I were to use my reliable prediction skills I would say that for most of the dates there will be mostly a sunny start, but with wintery showers in the Northwest developing widely, becoming locally heavy and squally with hail and thunder and it will feel cold in strong and gusty westerly winds and, it will rain too but it will be that rain that doesn’t look much but gets you really moist. So I would say “yes”, take a coat.”

Dangerous

Wacko Jacko, not to be confused with Waco Jacko the infamous militant involved in 1993’s Waco Massacre, has always had his share of obsessive and unusual fans. One super-fan Michelle Jackson, 43 has been to every single show Jackson has ever performed at and has first-hand experience of the trauma of being lumbered with an unwanted coat at a concert. “I stupidly took a floor-length pac-a-mac to Michael’s 1992 Dangerous show in Berlin but unfortunately I lost the pack and the mac became a huge burden. I had memorised every single dance routine and prior to the show starting I always liked to entertain the crowds with an impromptu performance. Due to the small space between the seats and the size of my mac, things turned sour when I threw a dramatic and extravagant dance routine into the mix.  I impressed the crowds with my The Way You Make Me Feel routine but during the spin I got so tangled up in my coat that I lost my balance and fell down 36 flights of stairs and broke my neck which left me paralysed from the neck down.” laughed the fan. “It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I get tonnes of benefits which pay for my concert tickets and I get priority seating so I can be right at the front. The last time I saw him, I was so close that when he was singing Dirty Diana I actually got a bit of his spit in my good eye. I couldn’t see for the rest of the concert but it was well worth it. I would say buy your cloakroom tickets but if I’d have bought one I wouldn’t be able to say I’d been temporarily blinded by the “King of Pop”. Not everyone can say that can they?” Unfortunately neither can Michelle as the last paragraph was cleverly translated by Michelle’s mother who deciphers her daughter’s speech by measuring her ear twitches and blinks.

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