Dear Celebrity Love From » Television

Dear Sandi Toksvig

admin — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:56:15 +0000

I have been a huge fan and followed your career like children follow the scent of Bisto gravy.

I was wondering if you would be so kind as to send me a signed photograph because I have a hair appointment next Thursday and I’m always telling them about how much I adore your hair but they haven’t a clue who you are. Philistines, these hairdressers though aren’t they Sandy? They all drink alco-pops and eat Mcdonalds. I doubt they’ve heard of Sauvignon Blanc and Coq au vin. But that’s the difference between us and them Sandy. We are both culturally rich and surrounded by degenerate peasants.

So if you could please send the picture asap it would be most appreciated. I am going to a dinner dance on the evening and have bought a marvellous new outfit. My wife will be thrilled when I reveal my new image.

Love from Leigh x

I got the photograph in time for my appointment but it is impossible to emulate the Tokswig!

Dear Coronation Street

admin — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:07:43 +0000

I love coronation Street. It has taught me so much about life and love and I am not sure where I would be without it.

My wife left me several months ago. I recently lost my job as a telesales manager and my Great Aunt. I am in the process of having my house repossessed, most of my possessions are gone and I am due in court on 22 September for causing damage to my neighbour’s property. I have turned to drink and legal activities as a means of making money. I have ruined my friendships and have absolutely nobody left in the world to turn to. I don’t know what to do.

I was wondering if there was going to be a storyline soon which explores circumstances similar to my own. I hope so. Emily Bishop has stared in the programme for years hasn’t she and I am a huge fan of the Platt’s.

Thank you so, so much for your help. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely

Leigh Clark

They were kind enough to send me this generic letter…

Dear Mr Clark

Thank you for your letter regarding Coronation Street.

It is good of you to take such an interest in the programme and to take the time to contact us with your ideas for storylines but I regret to say that we are not open to contributions of this nature from outside sources. The writers contracted to work on Coronation Street originate all story material. As I’m sure you will appreciate we receive literally hundreds of scripts & story ideas sent in by our viewers, because of complicated copyright problems of merging their ideas with story-lines generated in-house we cannot, with the best will in the world, manage both. It is for this reason we do not accept any ideas or material sent to us.

Once again many thanks for your kind letter and interest in Coronation Street and I do hope it continues to give you many more hours of pleasurable viewing for years to come.

Yours with Best Wishes

David Nugent

Coronation Street

‘Years to come’ an optimistic outlook for someone like me.

Dear Blue Peter

admin — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:32:11 +0000

ChriSt AlMigHty, WhAt The HeLL DoeS a kId havE to Do To GeT a BlooDy BlUe PeTer BaDge. I haVE waSTed HOurs SenDIng In LOAds oF StupiD pICtureS AnD I StiLL Haven’T GoT OnE. I Am SIcK of SitTing By The LEtter Box WaiTING. UnLiKE GoLDIE, I aM NOT a BlOOdy DOG. For ChRISt’S SaKE, SORt it OUT anD SeND Me ONE NOW.

Love from Leigh

I sent them a really crap drawing of a dog aswell. Needless to say, I am yet to receive my Blue Peter badge.

Dear Lorraine Kelly

admin — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:45:00 +0000

As much as I enjoy your morning magazine show, I do feel that it’s time you started branching out into other areas. I have spent A LOT of time creating a few ideas for you. I don’t know if you’ll like them or not. I suppose we will just have to wait and see WON’T WE? Here are my suggestions now…

Firstly there’s LORRAINE’S LUNCHTIME CHAT Whic is about you interviewing celebrities about weight and health issues. The show will feature a live phone in where viewers will be able to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on where they live – the most interesting story wins a LUNCHTIME CHAT MUG and some vouchers. There will also be a catalogue review where you go through catalogues and tell viewers which one is best. Also while the show is going on, a guest chef will be cooking a surprise lunch and you taste it before the show finishes and tell the viewers if you like it or not. If you do, the chef wins a small prize and some vouchers. If not, unfortunately Lorraine, they go home empty-handed.

BABYLOVE WITH LORRAINE KELLY – Is where Mums come on and discuss EXACTLY what it is like to be a Mum. Personally, I have no interest in this show whatsoever but I asked someone down my street who has just had a baby and she said she would watch it but she normally walks her dog at about 12.30pm so it would be better for her if it was on a little bit later such as 1pm, when she gets back. She wouldn’t be able to watch on Thursdays because she goes to Baby Massage at the Health Centre and she’s on holiday for two weeks in August but I told her I would tape it for her and she agreed and gave me four blank 4hr video cassettes. She also told me that young Mothers are crying out for an interactive programme where they can share nurturing secrets because when she came home from hospital she didn’t even know how to change a nappy and she said that there is not enough financial support for young mums – she is 14 but fifteen next week. Prizes can be given away before and after the breaks. Prizes include nappies and bibs – to make mum’s lives easier. Perhaps Victoria Beckham could do a daily slot on what it’s like to be a working mum and she could call her slot POSH’S DAILY DIARY or VICTORIA’S SECRETS or something else. I’m sorry Lorraine but under no circumstances is she allowed to sing because I can’t bare it! In order for men to watch this programme you will have to appeal to them with a daily SPOT THE BALL competition for MEN ONLY and you can reward them with money, toiletries, alcohol, footballs, etc.

Another idea which is a bit like HEARTS OF GOLD is KELLY’S HEROES where you scour the country for brave people and give them a heart of gold which you will pin onto their clothes before telling them to sit down. The bravest person is awarded with a crown and has to stand on a little stage with winner written on the front of it and then fireworks go off. If a child wins, there will be balloons instead of fireworks . I once burnt myself on a sparkler and would hate to see this happen to someone else. I was okay though because I rinsed it under a cold tap and then put a bandage on it. It was a bit sore for a couple of days but now it’s better.

Anyway I hope you like my ideas Lorraine. I expect no thanks but would like to know which of my ideas you are going to do first because I will have to tell my friends who think I am useless and will never do anything good. Can I have a photograph of you please and I will be able to show it to my friends and then they will know.

Love from Leigh Clark

Lorraines response is dated 19th June 2002

Dear Leigh

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I really appreciate it.

Your letter was really interesting and I thought that your ideas were great. I think that I am really lucky as LK TODAY lets me cover topics such as childbirth, fashion, social issues and health already and doing five live shows a week keeps me pretty busy at the moment.

As requested I have enclosed a signed photo of myself. I hope that you like it.

Best Wishes and I hope that you continue to enjoy the show.

Lorraine Kelly

What a BITCH!