Katy agreed to perform her same sex snog anthem I Kissed a Girl in front of thousands of hungry dieters. Controversially Katy had the bare faced cheek to flaunt herself around a huge cake that sent the starving salad dodgers swarming towards the stage. Katy brought her own security guards who ensured her safety by attacking the charging hordes with cattle prods, taser guns and violent punches.

To rub salt into the crowds gaping wounds and growling stomachs Katy threw her slender frame on top of the cake and rubbed her womanhood all over it. At this point the hungry onlookers returned to their seats. The audience had the last laugh though when the singing lesbian became so lubricated she couldn’t stand up to leave the stage.

Watch the dirty mess below…

Details have emerged as to how the affair began. A Pal said “We were all enjoying a night out at a top celebrity nightspot in the UK’s showbiz capital (London) when in walked this tall blonde creature wearing a rubber contraption fashioned into knickers and a pair of sunglasses. I was sat with Jeannette and Ian Krankie, showing them some paraphernalia from my summer season in Scunthorpe and I noticed her looking over at Ian. She then raised her sun specs and wiggled her eyebrows at him in a sexually suggestive manner. Jeannette, at this point was busy chatting to Suggs from Madness about when she fell off that beanstalk and broke her spine into a million tiny pieces.”

 It would appear Ian was immediately gooey for gaga and her rubber knickers. “Ian told me to distract Jeannette for a few minutes so he could go and chat to the American singing superstar so I threw my drink in her face. She was distracted for about half an hour because it was a cup of tea so she had to have a cold flannel applied so the scald didn’t scar.” But poor Jeannette aka wee Jimmy Krankie was stunned when she peeled back the flannel and saw Ian flat on his back on the dance floor with Lady Gaga performing a seductive routine on top of him whilst Ian sucked the heel of one of her shoes. “We’re just not used to that kind of behaviour in this country” said the club’s manager, “Cilla Black walked in, saw what was going on and collapsed.” A spokesman for Cilla said that her collapse was due to what she saw on the dance-floor and a reaction to a flu jab she had earlier that day.

Understandably Jeannette went crazy demanding that Ian stand up and put his shirt back on immediately. When Ian refused Jeannette launched herself at Lady Gaga who outstretched her arm and grabbed Jeannette by the head allowing the small comedy star to throw futile punches at the air before being dragged off by security. Jeannette screamed as she was led out of the showbiz hot-spot “Her song Poker Face is a load of old shite but if I ever see that adulterous bitch again I’ll do more than poke her face. I’ll rip her f*****g eyes out.” Lady Gaga was unavailable to comment on the incident but was spotted enjoying a romantic bar meal with Ian Krankie the following day. A devastated Jeannette wept “I dedicated forty years of my life to that man and I am upset because we’d just got a job on P&O ferries. But she’s welcome to him.” She sobbed. “Besides,” she continued “I’ll be interested to see how long it takes for him to convince Lady bloody Gaga to dress up as a ten year old schoolboy.”

Gaga is being measured up for her uniform as this goes to print.

I couldn’t wait to show my friends your autograph to prove I had been in the company of greatness. Unfortunately Dido and I’m not sure if it was because you were drunk, you wrote a rather rude message and signed the prescription ‘Dildo’. This caused a great deal of embarrassment when I handed it in at the pharmacy. As nobody believes that I met you I was wondering if I gave you the recipe for the soup we discussed could you send me a signed photograph to make up for my embarrassment and to prove to my friends that I am not a fantasist. The recipe is as follows:

4tsp butter
2 leeks sliced
1lb carrots (slice them Dido, or get your maid to do it)
1tsp ground coriander
5 cups chicken stock
150 ml Greek Yoghurt
3tbsp chopped coriander

Melt butter in a large saucepan add the leeks and carrots (you have to slice them first otherwise the recipe won’t work) Stir well and then cover with a tight fitting lid. Make sure the handle is facing inwards or it could result in a nasty accident. Do you remember the state of my face that day in the surgery? That was because I left the pan handle facing outwards.
Stir the coriander & cook for 1 min. Pour in the stock and put salt & pepper in. The recipe says a pinch but you can’t taste it. I recommend at least 4tbsp Salt and a bit of pepper. If you don’t have any stock you can use watered down brown sauce but it disguises the taste of the carrots which is fine for me because I don’t really like carrots but I love brown sauce. Cover & simmer for 20 min until the leek & carrots are tender/soggy.
Leave to cool & then puree in a blender. I don’t have a blender so I just mash it up with a fork. Add some yoghurt (do NOT use Muller fruit corner) It says greek but any mild one will do.
Put the soup into a bowl and put a spoonful of yoghurt into the centre of each bowl. I discovered a great way of creating what I call the ‘splat’ effect. Simply suck the yoghurt up through a straw and then blow it out into the middle of each bowl to create a Jackson Pollock style mess which will no doubt impress your well-to-do friends. The recipe says serve immediately but can you remember what my lips looked like that day in the surgery? That was a result of eating something that was recommended to be served immediately and 2 years later my strict following of the recipe is still cosmetically evident. You must remember that ‘serve’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘eat’.

I hope you enjoy the soup as much as I enjoyed spending time with you in the surgery. I must go now because I think I just heard my dog being hit by a car. Hang on…

Yes it has been. I’d better go. I’ll look forward to receiving the signed picture of you.

Love from Leigh

1. When is Star for a Night coming back on TV?
2. What is your most embarrassing moment?

I really hope you put an end to my sleepless nights and answer these questions. In the meantime, I have noticed a distinct lack of original material on your albums and have therefore written you a song for you to either a) put on an album or b) release as a single (B PLEASE!!!) Here goes..

Sometimes I feel like dying
And wish that I was dead
Sometimes I feel like crying
But I cut myself instead

From the cuts come grief
But then I found a fan
And was overwhelmed with relief
Because he’s my perfect man

I love the way you kiss my lips
I love the way you laugh
I love the smell of your fingertips
When we make love in the bath

Now I don’t feel like killing myself
Because I’m so in love with you
But if you ever left me
Christ alone knows what I’d do

I don’t ever want to break up with you
I’d rather be buried alive
Buried alive a a ive
Buried aaaaaaaaaalive
Aaaalive
(heavy breathing)
Alive
(sound of a coffin lid slamming shut)
THE END

Thanks so much Jane, It’s called Buried Alive by Leigh Clark. I hope you like it, I’m not sure what I’ll do if you don’t. Oh well!
Can I please have a signed photograph of you for my personal use?

Love from Leigh

You disgust me. I wait patiently for you to release your album and over the weeks save £12 thinking that that would be enough. Upon its release I find out you are charging £15.99. Where the hell am I supposed to get that kind of money? I’ll tell you where, I had to turn to crime to buy your CD Sophie. I bet you don’t like the sound of that do you? I literally had to steal the extra £4 from an old lady’s purse in the care home in which I work for a pittance. I contemplated putting the money back but there was a huge investigation and a Malasian immigrant was fired as a result and then the old lady died so I couldn’t. I can not afford to lose my job when CD’s are so expensive.

My anger doesn’t end there I’m afraid Soph. When you released the single that was not on the CD I thought ‘fair enough Sophie Ellis Bextor will be releasing a new CD soon with another 10 or so tracks on it, I’d better get saving my money so I don’t have to steal again.’ Then what did you do Sophie? I’ll tell you what you did. You re-released the album that I paid £15.99 for and stuck your new single on the end with another fucking song. My blood was boiling Sophie. I was livid when the staff in Woolworths refused to swap my shit CD for the new one with extra tracks. So much so that I kicked the Manager on duty and spat in his face. I don’t work 4 twelve hour shifts a week, wiping mucky arseholes and lifting fat bastards in and out of baths to be treated like a piece of shit!

Anger aside, I think your album is brilliant and I am really pleased that you stopped Posh from getting to number one. I have managed to tape your new songs off the radio but the DJ’s always talk during the fade out which makes me really mad. ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ is fabulous. Keep up the good work.

Love from Leigh

I got a big signed photograph with Hello Leigh! Love Sophie on the front and on the back it said this:

P.S – I haven’t forgotten that some fans bought the original album. All new tracks will be released as singles. I won’t do it again with the next album! Sx.

I’m not sure if there was a ‘next’ album but her face sure looked beautiful on the side of them Monsoon carrier bags. I love you Sophie X

Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”

Former Steps songstress Lisa Scott-Lee has today announced that she plans to redecorate her dining room. She told us exclusively, “I think I’ll probably paint it plum and I’ve seen a new dining table that I’d like. It’s dead nice.”