Madonna Adoption: The Latest

Sex book author Madonna’s emotional tug of war with a Malawian child is set to turn physical next week when she returns to the country to fight for a new kiddie.

 

A Malawian Madonna and adoption expert has given us all the inside gossip. He told us, “Madonna will arrive at the orphanage and chose a child that she wants. She has her photograph taken with the ones she likes and then decides which one is most complimentary and photogenic and then she gets rid of the children that don’t compliment her by using a nail-biting process of elimination.”

 

Madonna already has three attractive children and cannot risk adopting a hideously ugly one as candid paparazzi photographs of her family will be ruined. An orphanage employee told us, “We’ve got millions of disabled kids but Madonna won’t have one of those because they can make a mess of your car and pull unpredictable faces on photographs.”

 

Madonna’s tug of war will begin on Monday morning. Madonna is thought to be pulling on the child’s right arm and Malawian authorities will be pulling on the left. It is widely believed that if any of the arms get broken Madonna is just going to leave it. A spokesperson said “If the child’s arm gets broken during the tug of war Madonna will leave the child in the orphanage because she has a world tour to rehearse for and has no time to stick knitting needles down pots to scratch an itch. To be one of Madonna’s children you have to grow up pretty fast, look after yourself and develop your own skills. When Madonna is your mum the fame comes for free and you don’t have to pay for it… IN SWEAT!.. because it’s free, like I said.”

Sex and the City Sequel: SPOILER ALERT!

Girls who like nothing more than bags and shoes will be absolutely delighted that their favourite show that became a blockbuster movie is now becoming a sequel.

 

Sex and the City was a very popular movie and thrilled millions of ladies who ask for nothing from films apart from bags, shoes and wafer thin plots. Producers are hoping to duplicate the financial success of the original by broadening the appeal of the brand. “We’ve been looking at what’s popular at the box office as we are trying to broaden Sex and the City appeal. At the moment the appeal is limited to culturally ignorant and materialistic women that lack substance, luckily for us there are millions of those out there and they are very eager to splash their cash on Carrie and the girls. They don’t care about the plot because they just want to see some nice frocks and we decided to test the audiences by getting a blind woman to dress Carrie in the original and the women lapped it up. They’re pathetic and rubbish at driving,” laughed one of the producers.

 

Following the recent success of Slumdog Millionaire, it became apparent to the producers that throughout the economic crisis, audiences thrive on seeing severe poverty and depravation. With this in mind Sex and the City 2 will take place in the slums. The characters will fly to India after Miranda falls in love, via the internet, with a call centre worker. When the girls get off the plane their bags are stolen, Miranda is conned out of millions of pounds and the girls have no choice but to live in the slums. Fear not, Sex and the City fans, although the famous city is gone, tonnes of sex is guaranteed as Samantha will sex her way out of the slums and the other girls will follow suit. Producers don’t want to alienate fans of the original so in response to online petitions there will be plenty of shoes and bags, a moral dilemma, heart break, love and a valuable life lesson. The script will also be littered with witty one-liners about fellatio, pubic hair, penis size and discharge. Also included will be a scene in which Carrie gets her heel stuck in some mud and falls over as this will guarantee a hearty laugh from fans of the original.

 

Miley Cyrus will also join the girls. Following the success of her Asian impersonation last month, Miley has been cast as a poor Indian lady whose dream of becoming a shoe designer in New York City becomes a heart-warming and feelgood reality.

Exclusive Kylie Sex Tape

 

Celebrities love nothing more than, opening a shopping centre, enjoying a glass of champagne and indulging in a few hours of passionate sex. But sex with a celebrity is not complete without the celebrity sex tape.

 

Kylie Minogue may be small but she has the sexual appetite of a monster. A source informs us: “Kylie carries her Sex Tape everywhere she goes just in case she comes across that special someone. It’s a Maxell 60 tape. Sixty Minutes of sexy tunes spread out along that brown shiny tape and encased in erotic transparent packaging, see-through is Kylie’s favourite colour. It has sticky white paper on it with ‘Kylie’s Sex Tape’ scrawled all over in the handwriting of someone who has just had the most passionate sex of their life.’ The source continues…

 

On a night like This Kylie’s Got to Be Certain that she can play the tape at the most impromptu moments so she always carries in her handbag a walkman and a pair of hot, round, firm, pink speakers which she can plug in as she gets a plug in. Kylie likes to take it Slow and teases her sex partner by gently rubbing her finger around the play button. As she pulls her lover close to her and takes his tongue in her antipodean vocal hole she tells him ‘This is Especially for You’ presses her finger down on play – real hard and Wow!. The first track on the tape is Roger Whitaker’s unique version of Wind Beneath my wings and it’s Love at First Sight. The whistling and emotional turmoil sends Kylie into a sexual frenzy and she tests her lover by slapping him and spitting in his face. It’s In Your Eyes she tells him. She repeats this throughout the track and then calms the situation by following with some Simply Red as her lovers cheek is a glowing crimson. Kylie loves her men to be meaty but a bit Slow so she plays them Simple Minds to bring the point home as their Two Hearts meet. After a few minutes of sexually Spinning Around Kylie likes her session to reach a spiritual level so the next track is We Are The World by USA for Africa. Her lover is in a hurry, Give Me Just a Little More Time she tells him as Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together blasts out of the tight Speakerphone. The frogs sweet chorus is a cause for Celebration as Kylie indulges in role reversal and demands to her partner ‘Put Yourself in My Place’. This Red Blooded Woman could go all night but she’s got to perform at an expensive gig in Saudi Arabia. Come Into My World she commands and then goes mad shouting ‘There’s Tears on My Pillow’ which she simply cannot abide. He asks her why ‘Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi’ Responds the X neighbours star. After mopping up Kylie is normally full of regret ‘Did it Again’ she says to herself as she storms out of the room. ‘Please Stay’ asks her lover ‘I Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ He shouts as the door slams ‘What Do I Have to Do?’ He Cries and although Kylie’s exit was rather rude he admits ‘I Wouldn’t Change A Thing’. Meanwhile Kylie has packed the Sex Tape back into her handbag and runs to catch a Locomotion to that expensive gig in Dubai, the source tells us.