Sex and the City Sequel: SPOILER ALERT!

Girls who like nothing more than bags and shoes will be absolutely delighted that their favourite show that became a blockbuster movie is now becoming a sequel.

 

Sex and the City was a very popular movie and thrilled millions of ladies who ask for nothing from films apart from bags, shoes and wafer thin plots. Producers are hoping to duplicate the financial success of the original by broadening the appeal of the brand. “We’ve been looking at what’s popular at the box office as we are trying to broaden Sex and the City appeal. At the moment the appeal is limited to culturally ignorant and materialistic women that lack substance, luckily for us there are millions of those out there and they are very eager to splash their cash on Carrie and the girls. They don’t care about the plot because they just want to see some nice frocks and we decided to test the audiences by getting a blind woman to dress Carrie in the original and the women lapped it up. They’re pathetic and rubbish at driving,” laughed one of the producers.

 

Following the recent success of Slumdog Millionaire, it became apparent to the producers that throughout the economic crisis, audiences thrive on seeing severe poverty and depravation. With this in mind Sex and the City 2 will take place in the slums. The characters will fly to India after Miranda falls in love, via the internet, with a call centre worker. When the girls get off the plane their bags are stolen, Miranda is conned out of millions of pounds and the girls have no choice but to live in the slums. Fear not, Sex and the City fans, although the famous city is gone, tonnes of sex is guaranteed as Samantha will sex her way out of the slums and the other girls will follow suit. Producers don’t want to alienate fans of the original so in response to online petitions there will be plenty of shoes and bags, a moral dilemma, heart break, love and a valuable life lesson. The script will also be littered with witty one-liners about fellatio, pubic hair, penis size and discharge. Also included will be a scene in which Carrie gets her heel stuck in some mud and falls over as this will guarantee a hearty laugh from fans of the original.

 

Miley Cyrus will also join the girls. Following the success of her Asian impersonation last month, Miley has been cast as a poor Indian lady whose dream of becoming a shoe designer in New York City becomes a heart-warming and feelgood reality.

Friends: The Movie. EXCLUSIVE

Following in the footsteps of the big screen success of Sex and the City, it was today confirmed that a Friends movie is in the early stages of production.

 

“The script is coming along nicely” says screenwriter Mick, whose previous scripts have yet to be purchased. “I think this one will sell because it’s about Friends”. But fans are in for a big shock as Mick has already killed off two of the main characters. Phoebe dies in the first scene. “I never liked Phoebe so I killed her straight away. I want an intelligent script and Phoebe was always an idiot so the best thing to do was to get rid of her but in a way that Friends fans will love.”

 

Another character to get the chop is Ross. “His voice got on my nerves and his droopy eyes wind me up. He’s like a sad dog and Friends is supposed to be a comedy for Christ’s sake!” The script rejoins the cast five years after the final episode. Following Phoebe’s murder and Ross’s suicide, the remaining cast members move back into the apartment. Mick has cleverly removed any obstructions that the shows finale introduced. Monica and Chandler became parents in the last episode and left the apartment to move to a family home. So why would they move back to a small apartment?

 

“Oh, that was really easy to write,” Said Mick. “Friends fans love the apartment, so I wrote into the storyline that they had their baby taken off them by social services after leaving it in a hot car with the windows up. Also, I’ve always hated Chandler so I gave him throat cancer and he has lost his voice forever. He will still be in the film but he won’t be saying anything. He will still be funny though because there is a scene where he drinks some coke and it squirts out of the hole in his neck and goes all over Rachel’s dress and she goes mad.”

 

Rachel is Mick’s favourite character. So what’s in store for her? “I love Rachel,” smiles Mick. “But I’ve had to let her character grow up. She’s not as ditzy as she was in the show. She’s more confident with her body and has matured sexually, so there are quite a few sex scenes, two shower scenes, one bath scene, one where you see her getting undressed, one where you see her getting dressed, a scene in a spa where she has a full body massage, one in a hospital where she has a bed bath and she has a new job as a lifeguard so you get to see her in a bikini too and a naughty nurse outfit when she goes to a fancy dress party.”

 

With her best friend and brother dead and her husband mute, what’s in store for Monica? “Not much.” Coughs Mick. “She’s depressed so she just does a lot of cleaning.” Finally, we ask Mick about the shows semi successful spin-off character Joey. “Oh!” says Mick. “I completely forgot about him. Damn it to Hell! I’ll have to start again.”

 

The release date for the Friends movie is yet to be confirmed.