Mariah’s Chart Battle

Mariah Carey and Westife will go head to head this week in the most controversial chart battle ever. Both will be releasing the same cover version on the same day and, throughout the week, fight out the battle for the number one spot.

Asked on how they were going to win the fight, Westlife’s Shane said “I’m going to punch her in the throat. Kevin is going to wind her. The blonde one is going to kick her and the gay one is going to give her a good old bitch slap.”

Mariah, who was blessed with her beautiful voice after accidentally banging her front bum on a table corner, is rumoured to be taking advantage of America’s relaxed firearms policy. We will find out who wins the battle when it’s announced on Hospital Radio this Sunday.

Dear Sandi Toksvig

I was wondering if you would be so kind as to send me a signed photograph because I have a hair appointment next Thursday and I’m always telling them about how much I adore your hair but they haven’t a clue who you are. Philistines, these hairdressers though aren’t they Sandy? They all drink alco-pops and eat Mcdonalds. I doubt they’ve heard of Sauvignon Blanc and Coq au vin. But that’s the difference between us and them Sandy. We are both culturally rich and surrounded by degenerate peasants.

So if you could please send the picture asap it would be most appreciated. I am going to a dinner dance on the evening and have bought a marvellous new outfit. My wife will be thrilled when I reveal my new image.

I got the photograph in time for my appointment but it is impossible to emulate the Tokswig!