Lisa Scott-Lee threatens to quit showbiz

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Poor Lisa Scott-Lee is threatening to turn her back on fame unless the paparazzi pay her more attention. “It’s so annoying,” she said. “If I’m signing an autograph for a disabled or overweight fan I need to be photographed doing it. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Busty Lisa sunbathed topless on holiday last year and waited so long for the paparazzi to turn up that she ended up suffering from a violent case of Tanners Nipple™. “It was dark by the time they got there and my nips were burnt to a crisp,” she said, but scabby Lisa wasn’t the only one to suffer that day. “I thought it would only take five minutes to get snapped so I left my dog in the car with the windows up and the poor thing was dead by the time I got back. The paparazzi just don’t realise what they’re doing to us famous folk,” she lisped.

Lisa has definitely noticed a change in the pap’s since the height of her fame in Steps. She told us, “Once, I went to a celebrity Gala or it could’ve been Gala Bingo and when I got out of the taxi I had a flap hanging out and they were in there like a flash. Honestly, they were like flies on shit.”

Lisa Plans to headline a campaign for tighter restrictions on how the paparazzi operate. “They’ve already killed Diana and they’re not killing me,” She screamed. Funnily enough Lisa didn’t mean Queen of Hearts Princess Diana. “Oh no,” she said. “The Queen killed her. No, I meant my dog Diana who died in the car whilst I burnt my tits.”

Dear Mario

We couldn’t believe when you were voted off Big Brother, I was gutted and my wife actually cried. You were so entertaining and amazingly intelligent. I can’t believe how experienced you are and how much you have packed into your life. Yours and Lisa’s enthusiasm for life has made me feel really ambitious and I am booked in to go paragliding with my wife after she has our baby. We’re so excited. I really admire the way you interacted with the other housemates you were always very respectable and mature which I feel the other contestants lacked and I think that you are a great role model to any youngster watching.

You and Lisa are the perfect couple and I hope that when you get married they televise it. I can remember when they televised Princess Diana’s wedding and it was phenomenal. I am sure your wedding would get a similar response as I know so many people that admire and respect you. I think it would be fantastic if you got your own show on television. You and Lisa could be the next Richard and Judy as they have just left Channel 4.

As I mentioned earlier, My wife and I are having a baby. We found out at the scan that we are having a little boy and I am proud to tell you that we have decided to call him Mario Marconi Beckham Clark, in honor of you and David Beckham who we also admire greatly and is a distant cousin of my wife. The birth is expected on 3rd of November and we are having a Christening ceremony in January (date is yet to be confirmed) I’m not sure if David & Victoria will be there because they live in L.A now and he is tied up with L.A Galaxy but we have had confirmation from Dave and Sarah (his mum and dad). I know we have never met but as you can probably tell from my letter, I think of you as a hero and would be so very honored if you and Lisa could possibly join us for the Christening of our little boy. I will understand if you can’t make it as I’m sure your careers will have really taken off by next January and I doubt you’ll be able to fit us into your hectic schedule. However Mario the offer is there and we would love our son to meet his namesake.

May we please have a signed photograph of you Mario? You are so inspirational, attractive and charismatic. Television and the world of entertainment needs more people like you and less people like Graham Norton.

Thanks so much. I look forward to hearing from you.