Dear Adrian Chiles & Christine Bleakley

Dear Adrian Chiles

I thoroughly enjoy watching you on The One Show but the reception on my television is quite bad on that channel so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to move it to BBC2. I don’t think it would get in the way because I’ve looked at what’s offered on BBC2 at 7pm and frankly Adrian, it’s nothing but rubbish.

I think you cope really well with Christine on that programme. If I’m honest with you Adrian her voice gets on my nerves. If I was you I’d have to tell her to shut up or at least get some earplugs. I watch the programme mainly because I think you’re a great presenter but also because there’s nothing else on at that time apart from Emmerdale but I watch the omnibus at the weekend. The dogs go mad when they see Paddy, I think it’s because he’s a vet. The cats don’t mind him though because they’re normally outside.

My wife just told me that she needs your size because she wants to knit you a jumper. You don’t have to pay her for it, unless you want to, because it’s a gift. Also what colour do you want? If you don’t let us know she’s just going to knit one in green.

Please can I have a signed photograph of you to show the neighbours and then they might start watching. Thank you so much you are inspiring and insipidational for me.

From Leigh Clark

Thanks for your great letter. Good to receive one to add to my own small pile of mail (Christine receives far more than can be healthy for one person).

Sorry to hear that we’re not coming over in full crystal clear glory on your television – although in my case this is probably a distinct improvement. You can decide for yourself whether you really would prefer a sharper picture as I am enclosing a signed photo as requested.

I’m sure any jumper your wife wants to knit me will be just fine. Please thank her for the kind offer. If she really does want to know my preferred colours, she can’t go wrong with West Bromwich Albion’s blue and white! And tell her that I am a lot slimmer (42″ chest) and somewhat taller (6ft 1in) than I may appear on that fuzzy screen of yours.

With best wishes

Adrian Chiles

Ideally I wanted him to really slag Christine off. I’ve written to her aswell so hopefully I’ll hear back from her soon. The accompanying photograph is the start of a brand new project of mine called HOW COOL CAN YOU LOOK WHILST HOLDING A PHOTOGRAPH OF ADRIAN CHILES? Please post your entries to my email address. Seriously, I love Adrian.

Dear Christine Bleakley

Between you and me Christine, I don’t know how you cope with Adrian breathing down your neck. I find him really annoying and you won’t know this Christine but whilst you’re presenting his lecherous eyes are all over you. If I was you I would ask if I could sit on a separate chair.

I love the Irish. I remember Dana. I wish she was back on the scene as she was a great entertainer with real class not like that Jane McDonald she’s more like a fishmonger’s wife than a TV personality. Why don’t you see if you can get Dana on the show one day and you could talk about St Patrick’s Day and do recipes and, of course, drink Guinness.

My wife has a lovely little Irish doll, still in its packaging and wearing full regalia and with a tiny shamrock embroidered onto the back of her little jacket. You can have it if you want Christine, as a gift from us for making TV so enjoyable. Please let me know if you would like it. You could keep it on the table in front of you as a lucky charm and it would remind you of your family and friends at home. I bet you miss your family don’t you Christine? I’ve only got pets and a wife but I had to go into hospital for a few days for personal reasons that I am NOT willing to go into, but I missed my family so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears. My dogs went mad when I came home. The cats weren’t to bothered though because they were outside.

Please can I have a photograph of you and don’t forget about the doll. We can’t hang onto it forever for goodness sake. Keep up the good work Love.

Love from Leigh

Dear Ant and Dec

If you did radio I would be able to listen to you on my portable and carry it around with me from room to room. Alternatively I could turn up the volume on my stereo but this may annoy the neighbours (they go mad at my tumble dryer). The walls in my house are thinner than Karen Carpenter.

Both of my hips have finally been replaced after 3 years in total on the NHS waiting list and my daughter thinks I’m doing marvelously, she lives in Dubai now but she telephones every Sunday morning so I’ll tell her you said hello. May I please have a signed photo of you so I don’t forget what your faces look like when you start on the radio? I’ve got photos of all of them off Radio Humberside, they’ve probably told you about me. Anyway, I’ll be listening. good luck with it.