Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

Pop Goes the Band ad.

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

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Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”