Katy Perry goes tits over ass

Singing lesbian and all round super hot sex pot Katy Perry managed to upset the audience at a recent benefit gig for victims of Weight Watchers.

Katy agreed to perform her same sex snog anthem I Kissed a Girl in front of thousands of hungry dieters. Controversially Katy had the bare faced cheek to flaunt herself around a huge cake that sent the starving salad dodgers swarming towards the stage. Katy brought her own security guards who ensured her safety by attacking the charging hordes with cattle prods, taser guns and violent punches.

To rub salt into the crowds gaping wounds and growling stomachs Katy threw her slender frame on top of the cake and rubbed her womanhood all over it. At this point the hungry onlookers returned to their seats. The audience had the last laugh though when the singing lesbian became so lubricated she couldn’t stand up to leave the stage.

Watch the dirty mess below…

Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.

Dear Sophie Ellis Bextor

You disgust me. I wait patiently for you to release your album and over the weeks save £12 thinking that that would be enough. Upon its release I find out you are charging £15.99. Where the hell am I supposed to get that kind of money? I’ll tell you where, I had to turn to crime to buy your CD Sophie. I bet you don’t like the sound of that do you? I literally had to steal the extra £4 from an old lady’s purse in the care home in which I work for a pittance. I contemplated putting the money back but there was a huge investigation and a Malasian immigrant was fired as a result and then the old lady died so I couldn’t. I can not afford to lose my job when CD’s are so expensive.

My anger doesn’t end there I’m afraid Soph. When you released the single that was not on the CD I thought ‘fair enough Sophie Ellis Bextor will be releasing a new CD soon with another 10 or so tracks on it, I’d better get saving my money so I don’t have to steal again.’ Then what did you do Sophie? I’ll tell you what you did. You re-released the album that I paid £15.99 for and stuck your new single on the end with another fucking song. My blood was boiling Sophie. I was livid when the staff in Woolworths refused to swap my shit CD for the new one with extra tracks. So much so that I kicked the Manager on duty and spat in his face. I don’t work 4 twelve hour shifts a week, wiping mucky arseholes and lifting fat bastards in and out of baths to be treated like a piece of shit!

Anger aside, I think your album is brilliant and I am really pleased that you stopped Posh from getting to number one. I have managed to tape your new songs off the radio but the DJ’s always talk during the fade out which makes me really mad. ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ is fabulous. Keep up the good work.

Love from Leigh

I got a big signed photograph with Hello Leigh! Love Sophie on the front and on the back it said this:

P.S – I haven’t forgotten that some fans bought the original album. All new tracks will be released as singles. I won’t do it again with the next album! Sx.

I’m not sure if there was a ‘next’ album but her face sure looked beautiful on the side of them Monsoon carrier bags. I love you Sophie X

Cheryl: My Secret Drugs Hell

Girls Aloud star Cheryl Cole revealed all last night about her secret drugs hell. A pal informed us, “You just wouldn’t expect the X-Factor beauty to fall into this repugnant lifestyle.” The Pal confirmed that Cheryl’s turmoil began one night as she settled down to watch I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. “She’d heard that there were some footballer’s wives on it and she wanted to weigh up the competition. She searched everywhere but couldn’t find her glasses, so through squinted eyes she sat for an hour and a half, staring at the huge plasma screen in her home cinema.”

SEX

“After the programme Cheryl went to bed and slept with her husband who is a footballer. She tenderly whispered the lyrics to some of Girls Aloud’s greatest hits into his cauliflower ear while they made love the celebrity way. It was around this time that Cheryl began to realise her craving for drugs. When Cheryl watches telly without her glasses she develops a monstrous headache. Cheryl is always desperate for sex so she endured the pain until the footballer fell asleep. It was then that her need for drugs took over.”

DRUGS

The Love Machine star crept out of the bedroom and began searching her luxury mansion for a cocktail of drugs. The cabinet in the bathroom was empty so she frantically ran downstairs and wrecked the parlour, the ladies chamber and the kitchen but could find no paracetamol or ibuprofen anywhere. She could’ve driven to the 24 hour petrol station but she’d had a splash of wine in her beef casserole and was petrified of being over the limit. Cheryl then telephoned all the other members of Girls Aloud and begged them to bring her drugs but they were busy living the showbiz lifestyle at a party with members of Blue. Furious Cheryl, according to our source, branded them “Selfish Bitches”. “She branded them Selfish Bitches.” She said.

HEROIN

Cheryl, who is a heroine to loads of girls who want to marry a footballer, be in a successful girl band, judge the X-Factor and perfect the balance between being feminine and a Geordie, vowed then to always have painkillers in the house. But unfortunately when the pain disappeared, Cheryl’s descent into drugs hell failed to cease. A Pal conformed “Cheryl only goes to the shop twice a year because of showbiz, so she has to buy everything tinned and in bulk.”

SUICIDE

An embarrassed Cheryl was stopped at the counter in Tesco and questioned after alarm bells rang when the Popstar winner attempted to purchase more than 2 packets of painkillers. “She had 30 boxes of Paracetamol and 30 boxes of ibuprofen and was immediately restrained by Tesco staff and dragged into the Stockroom where she underwent several torturous hours of by the store’s Suicide Expert.

CIGARETTES

Cheryl, who doesn’t smoke cigarettes because it’s bad for her health and she doesn’t like the taste, confessed everything to Tesco staff. The Store’s Suicide Expert / Trolley Collector admitted “She was really nice. After we’d strip searched her and beaten the truth out of her, we all decided to put on a show for her to judge and she said she really liked it. It was just like being on the X-Factor. Jane,47, who works on produce commented “She was really down to earth. When I told her about my grandson in the third world who was born with a cleft pallet, she didn’t hesitate to write me a cheque for over a million pounds.”

HELL

It was a day from Hell for poor Cole nee Tweedy. A Pal told us “She was supposed to be throwing a lavish party for the cast of Hollyoaks and was planning on making her famous football shaped quiche but there wasn’t enough time so she had to buy a pre-cooked one instead.” The Tesco staff, involved in Cheryl’s drug hell were so inspired by Cheryl that they have decided to make a record in a bid for the Christmas number one slot.

Dear Chesney Hawkes

Amy Winehouse’s New Face

Amy Winehouse is set to see 2009 in in style as a source close to the Refurb star has confirmed that Amy will be the new face of DFS. The adverts will probably air after everyone has just finished their Christmas dinner. The source tells us “She’ll be advertising their six month january sale, she’ll probably just be filmed rolling about on the sofas and stuff.”