Dollar

God love these two. Dollar are the most deluded former celebrities in the world. They recently starred in Living TV’s Pop Goes the Band and underwent drastic surgery as a means to achieve the good looks they once had during the 1970’s. The results were hilarious and if you missed it I urge you to sit in front of Living TV until it is repeated.

Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

Pop Goes the Band ad.

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

Support Dollar

Dear Dido

I couldn’t wait to show my friends your autograph to prove I had been in the company of greatness. Unfortunately Dido and I’m not sure if it was because you were drunk, you wrote a rather rude message and signed the prescription ‘Dildo’. This caused a great deal of embarrassment when I handed it in at the pharmacy. As nobody believes that I met you I was wondering if I gave you the recipe for the soup we discussed could you send me a signed photograph to make up for my embarrassment and to prove to my friends that I am not a fantasist. The recipe is as follows:

4tsp butter
2 leeks sliced
1lb carrots (slice them Dido, or get your maid to do it)
1tsp ground coriander
5 cups chicken stock
150 ml Greek Yoghurt
3tbsp chopped coriander

Melt butter in a large saucepan add the leeks and carrots (you have to slice them first otherwise the recipe won’t work) Stir well and then cover with a tight fitting lid. Make sure the handle is facing inwards or it could result in a nasty accident. Do you remember the state of my face that day in the surgery? That was because I left the pan handle facing outwards.
Stir the coriander & cook for 1 min. Pour in the stock and put salt & pepper in. The recipe says a pinch but you can’t taste it. I recommend at least 4tbsp Salt and a bit of pepper. If you don’t have any stock you can use watered down brown sauce but it disguises the taste of the carrots which is fine for me because I don’t really like carrots but I love brown sauce. Cover & simmer for 20 min until the leek & carrots are tender/soggy.
Leave to cool & then puree in a blender. I don’t have a blender so I just mash it up with a fork. Add some yoghurt (do NOT use Muller fruit corner) It says greek but any mild one will do.
Put the soup into a bowl and put a spoonful of yoghurt into the centre of each bowl. I discovered a great way of creating what I call the ‘splat’ effect. Simply suck the yoghurt up through a straw and then blow it out into the middle of each bowl to create a Jackson Pollock style mess which will no doubt impress your well-to-do friends. The recipe says serve immediately but can you remember what my lips looked like that day in the surgery? That was a result of eating something that was recommended to be served immediately and 2 years later my strict following of the recipe is still cosmetically evident. You must remember that ‘serve’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘eat’.

I hope you enjoy the soup as much as I enjoyed spending time with you in the surgery. I must go now because I think I just heard my dog being hit by a car. Hang on…

Yes it has been. I’d better go. I’ll look forward to receiving the signed picture of you.

Love from Leigh

The Return of Five Star

Five Star have been hiding away at their Neverland Ranch for the last twenty years but, following the success of the Take That and Boyzone reunions, the Rain or Shine siblings have decided to give it another go.

Unusually, the pop group have decided to opt for a completely different line up consisting of the most untalented residents of Detroit. Five Star’s grandma, who is famous for making their rubbish costumes out of bedsheets and toilet seat covers, yesterday held a press conference to announce the famous five’s return. “They’re returning,” she spat “but with a completely different line up. people will be very surprised and I doubt anyone will recognise them. I hope they don’t get recognised because one of them was caught fiddling with himself in a public toilet and I’m thoroughly ashamed of him.” She wept.

Feast your eyes on the return of FIVE STAR