Susan Boyle’s Controversial Makeover

Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle stunned fans today when she unveiled her controversial new image. Boyle shunned the advice of stylists who tried to persuade her to go with a kooky Lady Gaga style and instead opted for the image of her favourite pinup G**y G*****r (whose name cannot be entered into any computer in full, as it leads to your computer being confiscated and given a thorough investigation). Susan Boyle’s hairdresser offered us a full explanation for her shocking transformation.

‘Susan is from a sleepy village and news travels slow here. In our village G**y G*****r has only just reached the top of the hit parade with his pop song ‘*’* *** ******!’ Susan loves him so much and I didn’t want to break her heart with the shocking truth. I estimated that she should find out in approximately 12 years by which time his career will have lapsed and she will be fantasising about Eddie the Eagle Edwards which I hope will soften the blow and no, I didn’t bat an eyelid when she asked for a quiff. It’s my most popular ‘do.”

Boyle is currently visiting young offender’s institutes in an attempt to decrease crime levels with a terrifying kiss-chase.

“Lady Gaga ruined my marriage!”

Just Dance star and pop sensation Lady Gaga has simultaneously rocked and shocked the UK by having a smash hit single and by destroying the marriage of Britain’s favourite light entertainment duo The Krankies. Tiny Jeannette is said to be devastated.

 

Details have emerged as to how the affair began. A Pal said “We were all enjoying a night out at a top celebrity nightspot in the UK’s showbiz capital (London) when in walked this tall blonde creature wearing a rubber contraption fashioned into knickers and a pair of sunglasses. I was sat with Jeannette and Ian Krankie, showing them some paraphernalia from my summer season in Scunthorpe and I noticed her looking over at Ian. She then raised her sun specs and wiggled her eyebrows at him in a sexually suggestive manner. Jeannette, at this point was busy chatting to Suggs from Madness about when she fell off that beanstalk and broke her spine into a million tiny pieces.”

 

 It would appear Ian was immediately gooey for gaga and her rubber knickers. “Ian told me to distract Jeannette for a few minutes so he could go and chat to the American singing superstar so I threw my drink in her face. She was distracted for about half an hour because it was a cup of tea so she had to have a cold flannel applied so the scald didn’t scar.” But poor Jeannette aka wee Jimmy Krankie was stunned when she peeled back the flannel and saw Ian flat on his back on the dance floor with Lady Gaga performing a seductive routine on top of him whilst Ian sucked the heel of one of her shoes. “We’re just not used to that kind of behaviour in this country” said the club’s manager, “Cilla Black walked in, saw what was going on and collapsed.” A spokesman for Cilla said that her collapse was due to what she saw on the dance-floor and a reaction to a flu jab she had earlier that day.

 

Understandably Jeannette went crazy demanding that Ian stand up and put his shirt back on immediately. When Ian refused Jeannette launched herself at Lady Gaga who outstretched her arm and grabbed Jeannette by the head allowing the small comedy star to throw futile punches at the air before being dragged off by security. Jeannette screamed as she was led out of the showbiz hot-spot “Her song Poker Face is a load of old shite but if I ever see that adulterous bitch again I’ll do more than poke her face. I’ll rip her f*****g eyes out.” Lady Gaga was unavailable to comment on the incident but was spotted enjoying a romantic bar meal with Ian Krankie the following day. A devastated Jeannette wept “I dedicated forty years of my life to that man and I am upset because we’d just got a job on P&O ferries. But she’s welcome to him.” She sobbed. “Besides,” she continued “I’ll be interested to see how long it takes for him to convince Lady bloody Gaga to dress up as a ten year old schoolboy.”

 

Gaga is being measured up for her uniform as this goes to print.