For years friends of mine have commented on how much they think I look like you but I failed to believe them until I recently holidayed in Scarborough.
Upon arriving at the Grand Hotel, I noticed that the receptionist turned a peculiar shade of crimson and began whispering to the maitre d. I was shown to my room and thought nothing more of it until 30 minutes later when a complimentary bottle of champagne was delivered to my room courtesy of the hotel Manager, along with a note expressing his great admiration for me. I found this very odd until my wife, pointed out that they probable think that I am David Tennant, as this has happened on several occasions and causes great embarrassment on the occasional passing of rowdy school busses.
My evening meal was served amidst lots of whispers and nudges and in the end my wife and I decided to eat in our room. It was then that I spotted a note that had been slid under the door from a fellow holiday maker offering me a large sum of money to spend an hour with his wife apart from the note was addressed to Richard Hammond. Needless to say I declined the offer. However, I continued to receive gifts, toy cars, flowers, vouchers and my pre-paid holiday was refunded as it was an honour to have Richard Hammond staying in their Hotel and although my card said my name on it the only comment I received regarding my true identity was that it was ‘very wise’ of me to use a pseudonym. Due to the credit crunch and the decline in the country’s economy I decided to take advantage of the situation and managed to make a saving of over £400 which I put towards a conservatory.
You may also like to know that I also received an extra £250 after visiting a sick child in hospital, at the request of the hotel, and he was thrilled to meet me/you and they took some photographs which I told them could be forwarded to me via Top Gear at the BBC. When you receive the photographs could you please send them to me at the address above, I would most appreciate it.
The funny thing about the whole thing is, I am actually 6’5 tall which means that the idiots who believed that I was you must also think that Jeremy Clarkson is nearly 8 feet tall. I mustn’t laugh though because these people saved me a lot of money and my conservatory is really coming on. Please may I have a signed picture of you and then I will have something to leave with an ill child, should I ever meet one again under such circumstances.
Yours sincerely
Leigh
Awaiting reply
Tags: Celebrities, Celebrity, David Tennant, Host, Jeremy Clarkson, presenter, Richard Hammond, Scarborough, Top Gear, TV, TV show
I’m not going to tell you what I wrote in my second letter to Lorraine. I’ll just let you see her URGENT response which I received within a couple of days…..
Dear Leigh
Thanks for your letter.
Your friend was very cruel to fasten a firework to a cat.
You need to tell your parents or a teacher that he is planning to do it again.
Take care of yourself.
Love Lorraine x
What a precious woman.
As much as I enjoy your morning magazine show, I do feel that it’s time you started branching out into other areas. I have spent A LOT of time creating a few ideas for you. I don’t know if you’ll like them or not. I suppose we will just have to wait and see WON’T WE? Here are my suggestions now…
Firstly there’s LORRAINE’S LUNCHTIME CHAT Whic is about you interviewing celebrities about weight and health issues. The show will feature a live phone in where viewers will be able to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on where they live – the most interesting story wins a LUNCHTIME CHAT MUG and some vouchers. There will also be a catalogue review where you go through catalogues and tell viewers which one is best. Also while the show is going on, a guest chef will be cooking a surprise lunch and you taste it before the show finishes and tell the viewers if you like it or not. If you do, the chef wins a small prize and some vouchers. If not, unfortunately Lorraine, they go home empty-handed.
BABYLOVE WITH LORRAINE KELLY – Is where Mums come on and discuss EXACTLY what it is like to be a Mum. Personally, I have no interest in this show whatsoever but I asked someone down my street who has just had a baby and she said she would watch it but she normally walks her dog at about 12.30pm so it would be better for her if it was on a little bit later such as 1pm, when she gets back. She wouldn’t be able to watch on Thursdays because she goes to Baby Massage at the Health Centre and she’s on holiday for two weeks in August but I told her I would tape it for her and she agreed and gave me four blank 4hr video cassettes. She also told me that young Mothers are crying out for an interactive programme where they can share nurturing secrets because when she came home from hospital she didn’t even know how to change a nappy and she said that there is not enough financial support for young mums – she is 14 but fifteen next week. Prizes can be given away before and after the breaks. Prizes include nappies and bibs – to make mum’s lives easier. Perhaps Victoria Beckham could do a daily slot on what it’s like to be a working mum and she could call her slot POSH’S DAILY DIARY or VICTORIA’S SECRETS or something else. I’m sorry Lorraine but under no circumstances is she allowed to sing because I can’t bare it! In order for men to watch this programme you will have to appeal to them with a daily SPOT THE BALL competition for MEN ONLY and you can reward them with money, toiletries, alcohol, footballs, etc.
Another idea which is a bit like HEARTS OF GOLD is KELLY’S HEROES where you scour the country for brave people and give them a heart of gold which you will pin onto their clothes before telling them to sit down. The bravest person is awarded with a crown and has to stand on a little stage with winner written on the front of it and then fireworks go off. If a child wins, there will be balloons instead of fireworks . I once burnt myself on a sparkler and would hate to see this happen to someone else. I was okay though because I rinsed it under a cold tap and then put a bandage on it. It was a bit sore for a couple of days but now it’s better.
Anyway I hope you like my ideas Lorraine. I expect no thanks but would like to know which of my ideas you are going to do first because I will have to tell my friends who think I am useless and will never do anything good. Can I have a photograph of you please and I will be able to show it to my friends and then they will know.
Love from Leigh Clark
Lorraines response is dated 19th June 2002
Dear Leigh
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I really appreciate it.
Your letter was really interesting and I thought that your ideas were great. I think that I am really lucky as LK TODAY lets me cover topics such as childbirth, fashion, social issues and health already and doing five live shows a week keeps me pretty busy at the moment.
As requested I have enclosed a signed photo of myself. I hope that you like it.
Best Wishes and I hope that you continue to enjoy the show.
Lorraine Kelly
What a BITCH!
