Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

 

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

 

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

 

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

 

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

 

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

 

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

 

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

 

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.

Sex and the City Sequel: SPOILER ALERT!

Girls who like nothing more than bags and shoes will be absolutely delighted that their favourite show that became a blockbuster movie is now becoming a sequel.

 

Sex and the City was a very popular movie and thrilled millions of ladies who ask for nothing from films apart from bags, shoes and wafer thin plots. Producers are hoping to duplicate the financial success of the original by broadening the appeal of the brand. “We’ve been looking at what’s popular at the box office as we are trying to broaden Sex and the City appeal. At the moment the appeal is limited to culturally ignorant and materialistic women that lack substance, luckily for us there are millions of those out there and they are very eager to splash their cash on Carrie and the girls. They don’t care about the plot because they just want to see some nice frocks and we decided to test the audiences by getting a blind woman to dress Carrie in the original and the women lapped it up. They’re pathetic and rubbish at driving,” laughed one of the producers.

 

Following the recent success of Slumdog Millionaire, it became apparent to the producers that throughout the economic crisis, audiences thrive on seeing severe poverty and depravation. With this in mind Sex and the City 2 will take place in the slums. The characters will fly to India after Miranda falls in love, via the internet, with a call centre worker. When the girls get off the plane their bags are stolen, Miranda is conned out of millions of pounds and the girls have no choice but to live in the slums. Fear not, Sex and the City fans, although the famous city is gone, tonnes of sex is guaranteed as Samantha will sex her way out of the slums and the other girls will follow suit. Producers don’t want to alienate fans of the original so in response to online petitions there will be plenty of shoes and bags, a moral dilemma, heart break, love and a valuable life lesson. The script will also be littered with witty one-liners about fellatio, pubic hair, penis size and discharge. Also included will be a scene in which Carrie gets her heel stuck in some mud and falls over as this will guarantee a hearty laugh from fans of the original.

 

Miley Cyrus will also join the girls. Following the success of her Asian impersonation last month, Miley has been cast as a poor Indian lady whose dream of becoming a shoe designer in New York City becomes a heart-warming and feelgood reality.

Madonna Keeps Truth From Fans

Madonna, the singer, last night stunned fans when she refused to confirm or deny whether she had any secrets. A Source exclusively informed us, “I’m fairly sure she has some beauty secrets.”

Lisa Scott-Lee’s Changing Rooms

Former Steps songstress Lisa Scott-Lee has today announced that she plans to redecorate her dining room. She told us exclusively, “I think I’ll probably paint it plum and I’ve seen a new dining table that I’d like. It’s dead nice.”