Dear Celebrity Love From » GMTV

Dollar

admin — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:53:13 +0000

God love these two. Dollar are the most deluded former celebrities in the world. They recently starred in Living TV’s Pop Goes the Band and underwent drastic surgery as a means to achieve the good looks they once had during the 1970’s. The results were hilarious and if you missed it I urge you to sit in front of Living TV until it is repeated.

Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

Pop Goes the Band ad.

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

Support Dollar

Ulrika Jonsson pissing herself on Live TV

admin — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 17:06:02 +0000

Years before she was crowned the winner of Celebrity Big Brother Ulrika used to earn only £2.50 a day presenting the weather on TV-AM. The following is a clip of what happened when Ken Dodd came in to the studio and stuck his feather duster up her skirt to distract her. Ulrika thought it was hilarious and began a relationship with the ageing entertainer. Together the couple sold photographs of their every move to magazines such as Woman’s Own and My Weekly and became worth £200, thus making them the 897654th most powerful celebrity couple in the world.

Dear Ulrika Jonsson

admin — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:42:15 +0000

I am a huge fan and since your weathergirl days I have been working on a project for you to star in as I think you have all the qualities of a leading lady.

What began as a movie has since turned into an advertisement. I have found the creative process rather draining and have been working on the advert every day for the past fifteen years and am now on a number of tablets which I am not willing to list.

I just need a yes from you, an agent, some actors, an advertising agency, and some big wigs at various companies and we are good to go. Here is the script. Oh God, I hope you like it, I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. I’ll be back in a bit, I forgot to do something.

I’m back, I’ve did what I was supposed to do. Anyway, here is the script…..

A Leigh Clark Advertisement

CAST

Mum (Ulrika)

Son (Me)

Daughter (My Sister)

Dog (My next door neighbour’s dog or a celebrity dog depending on budget restrictions)

Dad (TBC I am expecting confirmation any day now from Tobey Maguire)

ADVERT

Mum is franticly running around the kitchen.

MUM: (talking to herself) Being a celebrity, a doting wife and a mother of two troublesome kids is so hard especially when it comes to meal times.(to be delivered as franticly as possible)

SON enters kitchen on rollerblades along with DOG on leash

SON: (gasping, yet weak) I’m starving, what’s for tea mum?

CLOSE UP OF MUMS FRANTIC FACE

DOG BARKS

Daughter enters the kitchen holding a mobile phone (PLEASE NOTE this character will NOT be wearing a hat)

DAUGHTER: I’m so hungry Mum, hope tea is ready soon or I will like, die of anorexia.

CLOSE UP OF MUMS FRANTIC FACE

Dad enters the kitchen in a suit

MUM: (increasingly frantic, she says to Dad) Don’t tell me… you’re hungry?

Dad looks gobsmacked/awestruck depending on range of the actor

MUM FRANTICLY RUNS TO THE CUPBOARD AND OPENS THE DOORS AND BREATHS A SIGH OF RELIEF

CLOSE UP OF SOME TINNED SOUP (I am waiting for confirmation from various brands Heinz Big Soup is a definite NO!)

MUM: Thanks (insert name of branded soup here) you really know how to take the stress out of meal times my kids love (insert name of branded soup here) and both my husband and I eat (insert name of branded soup here) for breakfast, lunch and dinner as part of a healthy balanced diet. (She turns to her family and says…) Is (insert name of branded soup here) okay for everyone?

DAD, SON, DAUGHTER: (simultaneously) Hooray! (insert name of branded soup here) our favourite!

Mum then walks up to the family and they all put there arms around one another and smile whilst the Dog stands on its hind legs and takes a Polaroid picture of them. (CGI will be used for this part)

Closing Shot is of a tin of (insert name of branded soup here) and the dogs paw places the photograph against the tin of soup.

THE END

Well?

Love from Leigh

She sent me a photograph signed with a cheap biro but failed to green light the project. I am still waiting Ul!

Dear Lorraine Kelly

admin — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:02:10 +0000

I’m not going to tell you what I wrote in my second letter to Lorraine. I’ll just let you see her URGENT response which I received within a couple of days…..

Dear Leigh

Thanks for your letter.

Your friend was very cruel to fasten a firework to a cat.

You need to tell your parents or a teacher that he is planning to do it again.

Take care of yourself.

Love Lorraine x

What a precious woman.

Dear Lorraine Kelly

admin — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:45:00 +0000

As much as I enjoy your morning magazine show, I do feel that it’s time you started branching out into other areas. I have spent A LOT of time creating a few ideas for you. I don’t know if you’ll like them or not. I suppose we will just have to wait and see WON’T WE? Here are my suggestions now…

Firstly there’s LORRAINE’S LUNCHTIME CHAT Whic is about you interviewing celebrities about weight and health issues. The show will feature a live phone in where viewers will be able to tell you EXACTLY what’s going on where they live – the most interesting story wins a LUNCHTIME CHAT MUG and some vouchers. There will also be a catalogue review where you go through catalogues and tell viewers which one is best. Also while the show is going on, a guest chef will be cooking a surprise lunch and you taste it before the show finishes and tell the viewers if you like it or not. If you do, the chef wins a small prize and some vouchers. If not, unfortunately Lorraine, they go home empty-handed.

BABYLOVE WITH LORRAINE KELLY – Is where Mums come on and discuss EXACTLY what it is like to be a Mum. Personally, I have no interest in this show whatsoever but I asked someone down my street who has just had a baby and she said she would watch it but she normally walks her dog at about 12.30pm so it would be better for her if it was on a little bit later such as 1pm, when she gets back. She wouldn’t be able to watch on Thursdays because she goes to Baby Massage at the Health Centre and she’s on holiday for two weeks in August but I told her I would tape it for her and she agreed and gave me four blank 4hr video cassettes. She also told me that young Mothers are crying out for an interactive programme where they can share nurturing secrets because when she came home from hospital she didn’t even know how to change a nappy and she said that there is not enough financial support for young mums – she is 14 but fifteen next week. Prizes can be given away before and after the breaks. Prizes include nappies and bibs – to make mum’s lives easier. Perhaps Victoria Beckham could do a daily slot on what it’s like to be a working mum and she could call her slot POSH’S DAILY DIARY or VICTORIA’S SECRETS or something else. I’m sorry Lorraine but under no circumstances is she allowed to sing because I can’t bare it! In order for men to watch this programme you will have to appeal to them with a daily SPOT THE BALL competition for MEN ONLY and you can reward them with money, toiletries, alcohol, footballs, etc.

Another idea which is a bit like HEARTS OF GOLD is KELLY’S HEROES where you scour the country for brave people and give them a heart of gold which you will pin onto their clothes before telling them to sit down. The bravest person is awarded with a crown and has to stand on a little stage with winner written on the front of it and then fireworks go off. If a child wins, there will be balloons instead of fireworks . I once burnt myself on a sparkler and would hate to see this happen to someone else. I was okay though because I rinsed it under a cold tap and then put a bandage on it. It was a bit sore for a couple of days but now it’s better.

Anyway I hope you like my ideas Lorraine. I expect no thanks but would like to know which of my ideas you are going to do first because I will have to tell my friends who think I am useless and will never do anything good. Can I have a photograph of you please and I will be able to show it to my friends and then they will know.

Love from Leigh Clark

Lorraines response is dated 19th June 2002

Dear Leigh

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I really appreciate it.

Your letter was really interesting and I thought that your ideas were great. I think that I am really lucky as LK TODAY lets me cover topics such as childbirth, fashion, social issues and health already and doing five live shows a week keeps me pretty busy at the moment.

As requested I have enclosed a signed photo of myself. I hope that you like it.

Best Wishes and I hope that you continue to enjoy the show.

Lorraine Kelly

What a BITCH!