Dollar

God love these two. Dollar are the most deluded former celebrities in the world. They recently starred in Living TV’s Pop Goes the Band and underwent drastic surgery as a means to achieve the good looks they once had during the 1970’s. The results were hilarious and if you missed it I urge you to sit in front of Living TV until it is repeated.

Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

Pop Goes the Band ad.

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

Support Dollar

Ulrika Jonsson pissing herself on Live TV

Years before she was crowned the winner of Celebrity Big Brother Ulrika used to earn only £2.50 a day presenting the weather on TV-AM. The following is a clip of what happened when Ken Dodd came in to the studio and stuck his feather duster up her skirt to distract her. Ulrika thought it was hilarious and began a relationship with the ageing entertainer. Together the couple sold photographs of their every move to magazines such as Woman’s Own and My Weekly and became worth £200, thus making them the 897654th most powerful celebrity couple in the world.

Dear Ulrika Jonsson

What began as a movie has since turned into an advertisement. I have found the creative process rather draining and have been working on the advert every day for the past fifteen years and am now on a number of tablets which I am not willing to list.

I just need a yes from you, an agent, some actors, an advertising agency, and some big wigs at various companies and we are good to go. Here is the script. Oh God, I hope you like it, I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. I’ll be back in a bit, I forgot to do something.

I’m back, I’ve did what I was supposed to do. Anyway, here is the script…..

A Leigh Clark Advertisement

CAST

Mum (Ulrika)

Son (Me)

Daughter (My Sister)

Dog (My next door neighbour’s dog or a celebrity dog depending on budget restrictions)

Dad (TBC I am expecting confirmation any day now from Tobey Maguire)

ADVERT

Mum is franticly running around the kitchen.

MUM: (talking to herself) Being a celebrity, a doting wife and a mother of two troublesome kids is so hard especially when it comes to meal times.(to be delivered as franticly as possible)

SON enters kitchen on rollerblades along with DOG on leash

SON: (gasping, yet weak) I’m starving, what’s for tea mum?

CLOSE UP OF MUMS FRANTIC FACE

DOG BARKS

Daughter enters the kitchen holding a mobile phone (PLEASE NOTE this character will NOT be wearing a hat)

DAUGHTER: I’m so hungry Mum, hope tea is ready soon or I will like, die of anorexia.

CLOSE UP OF MUMS FRANTIC FACE

Dad enters the kitchen in a suit

MUM: (increasingly frantic, she says to Dad) Don’t tell me… you’re hungry?

Dad looks gobsmacked/awestruck depending on range of the actor

MUM FRANTICLY RUNS TO THE CUPBOARD AND OPENS THE DOORS AND BREATHS A SIGH OF RELIEF

CLOSE UP OF SOME TINNED SOUP (I am waiting for confirmation from various brands Heinz Big Soup is a definite NO!)

MUM: Thanks (insert name of branded soup here) you really know how to take the stress out of meal times my kids love (insert name of branded soup here) and both my husband and I eat (insert name of branded soup here) for breakfast, lunch and dinner as part of a healthy balanced diet. (She turns to her family and says…) Is (insert name of branded soup here) okay for everyone?

DAD, SON, DAUGHTER: (simultaneously) Hooray! (insert name of branded soup here) our favourite!

Mum then walks up to the family and they all put there arms around one another and smile whilst the Dog stands on its hind legs and takes a Polaroid picture of them. (CGI will be used for this part)

Closing Shot is of a tin of (insert name of branded soup here) and the dogs paw places the photograph against the tin of soup.

THE END

Dear Lorraine Kelly

 Dear Leigh

 Thanks for your letter.

 Your friend was very cruel to fasten a firework to a cat.

 You need to tell your parents or a teacher that he is planning to do it again.

 Take care of yourself.

 Love Lorraine x

Dear Lorraine Kelly