How is it Cameron Diaz

 

Greetings from Leigh in the United Kingdom.  I am not long of this earth. Arrived here in the glorious UK from Slovakia to seek great fortune and have many Slovakian misgivings for which I beg you to forgive.

 

Your movies spreads the wild fire in my heart and your face has the burning heat of one thousand sunsets bringing endless pleasure to me and my fellow Slovakians. I do not wish to beg you for funding as I am a fashion designer for Primark. I make over four hundred sweaters on my machine and employ a great friendship with my fellow designers who talk about Cameron Diaz in the movies.

 

Fashion is my virtue and I imagine the sweaters on my movie-star and my movie-star rewarding my strength with a kiss. Forgive my blushes.

 

I desire to make movies in the Hollywood and have very good friend who is taking us there when the police break my job with Primark. I pay him large money and arrive in the Hollywood when released from container. He promises more air than the journey to UK that said a sad farewell to my dog and cousin. My uncle was blinded by bad sanitary but he doesn’t care because of his love for music.

 

It is my big dream to make you a movie and have created a movie in words that I long for you to star at with your permission. I will make great fortune for you and I will live in the Hollywood hill with children and a helicopter I endeavour.

 

The film in words is the story of a lady with the beauty of combed sand and her husband who dies in the container. The love between the people is a burning fire and the lady is destroyed by the death of her lover. Surprise to her, a big dog (like Turner and Hooch movie dog) arrives at husbands funeral and he is husband reincarnated. The lady and dog become beautiful friends and fall into deep, unforgiving love. The dog writes the lady a letter by pen in mouth. The lady reads the letter and becomes understanding of the love. The film ends with the dog making love, as deep as the ocean, to the lady and the passion of her marriage becomes alive but her husband is still dead and a dog.  Please Cameron Diaz, I wish for you to act as the lady. The dog will be made of special effect like my joy which is Scooby Doo 2.

 

Please forgive me a photograph with your autograph and personal information about yourself but not your bank. It will be a precious treasure to me. You will be so grateful to do my film for me. You will bring my great fortune in Hollywood. Maybe, if I may be so bold and outrageous, we will wed and on the night of our sacred vows I will reveal to you the true identity of my uncle. You will be in excellent shock when you find out who he REALLY is but it is a secret which you must cradle to your grave and for this I give you great blessings and trust. My fellow Slovakians tell me “Cameron Diaz, she will not let you down.” “Ha,” I say “No problem.”

 

In my hometown in Slovakia it is tradition for women that teeth are the trophies of the devil and hair is Gods blanket that disguises loves favourite sin. Don’t worry Cameron Diaz. I KNOW you understand. I look forward to receiving you. My friend in Primark want to say something to you now..

 

GREETINGS CAMERON DIAZ FROM UK. MY FRIEND IS GOOD MAN AND WISE. HE LIKE YOU AND TALK TO ME OF YOU FOREVER. I GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS FOR YOU. I LIKE ACE VENTURA MOVIES. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT HIM FROM ME. FORM ALEXEJ.

 

Har Har my friend is so crazy. Best Wishes for you and I wait to receive you now.

 

How are you today

 

Leigh x

She sent me this lovely photograph. Unfortunately, there was no mention of her starring in my film.

Dear Matt Damon

I have been a fan of yours since I saw you in that film you did. It was great. I am thrilled that you have decided to come and work in England. I do think you need to raise your profile though, because I asked around and a few people didn’t know who you were. My milkman did but I asked my neighbour and she thought you were a bar of chocolate, she is ninety-eight next week, so we’re having a surprise party for her. All of her friends and family are going to sneak into her house while her helper gives her a bath and we’re going to hide in her dining room. She will jump out of her skin when we she gets out of her stair-lift and enters the room as we’re all going to shout surprise and let off party poppers and fireworks. I can’t wait to see the look on her little face. Do you want to come?

Anyway, to raise your profile I have created some ideas for TV shows which may be of some interest to you. Old people generally tend to watch a lot of television so you will be a household name within no time. Firstly there’s ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’, – you will travel around seaside towns visiting famous attractions such as Blackpool Tower and a monument in Scunthorpe. You will then say whether you think it’s nicer than America or not. If it is then you award the Mayor with a ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’ certificate and rosette. If you don’t like it then the mayor unfortunately gets gunged in a big tank. I’m sorry Matt, but this is only fair. It will make great viewing and my neighbour said that she would definitely be interested in a show of this calibre.

My other idea is ‘Damon Dares’ – in this you will be given a choice of six golden envelopes each containing a different dare. You will then pick one, it could range from anything to walking a tightrope or putting your hand in a dog’s mouth. If you do it successfully you win a ‘Damon Dares’ mug but if not then you must give one million pounds to a lucky viewer who will be chosen at random from a telephone book.

Good luck with these projects Matt and if you want to come to the party my address is at the top of the page. Please can I have a signed picture of you before your fame spirals out of control.