Wishing you all an Abi Titmuss

Famous Celebrity Abi Titmuss is making a bid for the number one slot this Christmas when she releases a charity single. Abi, who’s number one slot is available for all to see on the internet, has decided to donate all of the proceeds to blind children.

 

Abi has been working hard for the past six months learning how to read and write in Braille. Abi held a press conference today where she told us “I decided to make this record unique from all other Christmas records by writing it in Braille so the lyrics will mean more to the blind children.” The song Have a Very Abi Titmuss, is due for release on Monday. Abi’s charity work doesn’t stop there, she told us. “I have learnt how to read in Braille and I will be touring the country next year reading stories to blind children.” Asked what makes blind children so special to her. Abi, dressed only in knickers and a saucy bra replied “I like them because they are the only people that don’t judge me on my appearance. Most people think I’m all tits and no brain because they judge me on my dress sense. When people find out I’ve been learning Braille to read to blind children, I think they’ll change their minds.”

 

Abi is set to go head to head with another famous busty blonde when former Coronation Street barmaid Bet Lynch releases her Christmas single Have a Julie Goodyear on the same day. The proceeds of Julie’s sales will go towards damp proofing her flat.

Dear Coronation Street

My wife left me several months ago. I recently lost my job as a telesales manager and my Great Aunt. I am in the process of having my house repossessed, most of my possessions are gone and I am due in court on 22 September for causing damage to my neighbour’s property. I have turned to drink and legal activities as a means of making money. I have ruined my friendships and have absolutely nobody left in the world to turn to. I don’t know what to do.

I was wondering if there was going to be a storyline soon which explores circumstances similar to my own. I hope so. Emily Bishop has stared in the programme for years hasn’t she and I am a huge fan of the Platt’s.

Thank you so, so much for your help. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely

Leigh Clark

They were kind enough to send me this generic letter…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kym Marsh: My Baby Joy

 

Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

 

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

 

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

 

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”

Dear Rita Fairclough