Michael Jackson advance tickets available now

Fans of Michael Jackson had to literally wipe the excitement off their faces when the “King of Pop” announced his forthcoming dates at the o2 arena. Tickets go on sale next week but we can exclusively reveal that advance tickets are already being sold.

 

Pervert

 

Top venue bosses have decided to sell cloakroom tickets in advance for the advantage of those concert goers who are contemplating taking a coat. Tickets are already selling fast. But is it worth the £1.50 asking price? Cloakroom attendant Lynne Baker thinks so. “I think it’s worth it because if you’ve got a big heavy coat with valuables in the pocket, you don’t want to be leaving it on your seat because the likelihood is, a street urchin or pervert could pinch it and you could end up with nothing. What’s £1.50 when you’ve saved yourself the price of a new coat?”

 

Blouse

 

To buy or not to buy is not the only question as Jacko fans are burdened with another dilemma – should they or, should they not wear a coat. Some fans will be wearing their red military jackets in honour the “King of Poop” but normal people won’t be getting dressed up, they’ll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt or blouse or possibly a jumper depending on the weather which is another factor which will affect the decision fans make when it comes to coat wearing.

 

Moist

We contacted weatherman John Kettley, who is very much still alive, to ask whether coats are likely to be essential garments at the Michael Jackson shows in July. He told us, “I spoke to the Met Office this morning and unfortunately the weather forecasts are unavailable for the ten dates in July. However, if I were to use my reliable prediction skills I would say that for most of the dates there will be mostly a sunny start, but with wintery showers in the Northwest developing widely, becoming locally heavy and squally with hail and thunder and it will feel cold in strong and gusty westerly winds and, it will rain too but it will be that rain that doesn’t look much but gets you really moist. So I would say “yes”, take a coat.”

 

Dangerous

 

Wacko Jacko, not to be confused with Waco Jacko the infamous militant involved in 1993’s Waco Massacre, has always had his share of obsessive and unusual fans. One super-fan Michelle Jackson, 43 has been to every single show Jackson has ever performed at and has first-hand experience of the trauma of being lumbered with an unwanted coat at a concert. “I stupidly took a floor-length pac-a-mac to Michael’s 1992 Dangerous show in Berlin but unfortunately I lost the pack and the mac became a huge burden. I had memorised every single dance routine and prior to the show starting I always liked to entertain the crowds with an impromptu performance. Due to the small space between the seats and the size of my mac, things turned sour when I threw a dramatic and extravagant dance routine into the mix.  I impressed the crowds with my The Way You Make Me Feel routine but during the spin I got so tangled up in my coat that I lost my balance and fell down 36 flights of stairs and broke my neck which left me paralysed from the neck down.” laughed the fan. “It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I get tonnes of benefits which pay for my concert tickets and I get priority seating so I can be right at the front. The last time I saw him, I was so close that when he was singing Dirty Diana I actually got a bit of his spit in my good eye. I couldn’t see for the rest of the concert but it was well worth it. I would say buy your cloakroom tickets but if I’d have bought one I wouldn’t be able to say I’d been temporarily blinded by the “King of Pop”. Not everyone can say that can they?” Unfortunately neither can Michelle as the last paragraph was cleverly translated by Michelle’s mother who deciphers her daughter’s speech by measuring her ear twitches and blinks.

 

Buy your tickets HERE

 

 

 

Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

 

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

 

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

 

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

 

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

 

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

 

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

 

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

 

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.