X Factor Winner: The Painful Truth Behind My Tears

X Factor winner Alexandra Burke burst into tears when it was announced that she had won the series and a million pound recording contract. The songstress broke down and could barely compose herself due to tears of victorious joy. Whilst audiences celebrated, poor Alexandra was betraying the viewers and footballers wife Cheryl Cole with her sobbing. She was secretly weeping tears of devastation as Alex had received news seconds before the show that had ruined all of her plans for the future and potentially ruined her life.

 

Poor Alexandra performed to an “international standard” on Saturday nights show when she sang a powerful duet with Beyonce, an international singer from America. Alex received the crippling news only thirty seconds before she was due on stage to be crowned winner. A brave pal had made the call and sensitively delivered the news. “When I told Alex, she screamed, she was furious. I wish it had been someone else who had delivered the news. I felt like I had ruined her dream. It’s not something I’m going to forget in a hurry.”

 

 

The pal continued “I knew the news hadn’t had time to sink in. When they’d announced that she had won I could see that although she was pleased she’d won one million, she was absolutely livid that she hadn’t won seventeen more.” Poor Alexandra, who lives in a caravan and shares a bed with her four grandparents, had entered the National Lottery on Saturday and believed that she stood a very good chance of winning the 17 Million jackpot. “She left me with a pen and a pay as you go and told me to ring her as soon as I got the numbers. I knew she hadn’t won because she told me her numbers were 1,2,3,4,5 and 6. She didn’t have a cat’s chance in hell.” The pal scoffed.

 

See how upset Alexandra was over her Lottery loss…

 

 

EXCLUSIVE: Girls Aloud Design Bags For Fans

 

Following the success of their recent single, The Promise, Girls Aloud have announced that they are launching their own range of scented bin liners. Each girl will have their own signature smell and their picture on the bag. Sarah came up with the idea. “My bin at home always stinks and I was having a chat with Nicola about it and she said that her bin stank an’ all. So we decided to use our fame and popularity to do something about it once and for all. Girls Aloud forever! Woooh!” She yelped.

 

Fellow band member Kimberley, from the North, is thrilled about the project, she said, “My Dad is a dustman so he’s really excited at the thought of throwing a pleasant smelling bag, with a picture of my face on it, into the back of his dust cart.” Kimberley, from the North, also believes Councils should get in on the act and make scented bags compulsory. “Sometimes,” She quipped “We would be sat eating our tea and me Dad would come home from work stinking of rotten eggs and menstruation. He’d have a wash but he could never get the smell off his fingers, no matter how hard he scrubbed.” She wept. “Girls Aloud wooh!” She continued.

 

Girls Aloud will launch the product on their new tour when ticket-holders will be presented with a bag featuring their favourite member and will be forced to pick up their own rubbish after the show. The bags are still in the production stage says Cheryl, “We’ve not decided on the smells yet. I’d quite like mine to smell of prit-stik but I don’t know what kind of message that sends to kids who are thinking about sniffing glue. I don’t want to encourage it, because it’s terrible for your skin.” She laughed. “Girls Aloud forever wooh!’ she concluded.

Cheryl: My Secret Drugs Hell

Girls Aloud star Cheryl Cole revealed all last night about her secret drugs hell. A pal informed us, “You just wouldn’t expect the X-Factor beauty to fall into this repugnant lifestyle.” The Pal confirmed that Cheryl’s turmoil began one night as she settled down to watch I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. “She’d heard that there were some footballer’s wives on it and she wanted to weigh up the competition. She searched everywhere but couldn’t find her glasses, so through squinted eyes she sat for an hour and a half, staring at the huge plasma screen in her home cinema.”

 

SEX

 

“After the programme Cheryl went to bed and slept with her husband who is a footballer. She tenderly whispered the lyrics to some of Girls Aloud’s greatest hits into his cauliflower ear while they made love the celebrity way. It was around this time that Cheryl began to realise her craving for drugs. When Cheryl watches telly without her glasses she develops a monstrous headache. Cheryl is always desperate for sex so she endured the pain until the footballer fell asleep. It was then that her need for drugs took over.”

 

DRUGS

 

The Love Machine star crept out of the bedroom and began searching her luxury mansion for a cocktail of drugs. The cabinet in the bathroom was empty so she frantically ran downstairs and wrecked the parlour, the ladies chamber and the kitchen but could find no paracetamol or ibuprofen anywhere. She could’ve driven to the 24 hour petrol station but she’d had a splash of wine in her beef casserole and was petrified of being over the limit. Cheryl then telephoned all the other members of Girls Aloud and begged them to bring her drugs but they were busy living the showbiz lifestyle at a party with members of Blue. Furious Cheryl, according to our source, branded them “Selfish Bitches”. “She branded them Selfish Bitches.” She said.

 

HEROIN

 

Cheryl, who is a heroine to loads of girls who want to marry a footballer, be in a successful girl band, judge the X-Factor and perfect the balance between being feminine and a Geordie, vowed then to always have painkillers in the house. But unfortunately when the pain disappeared, Cheryl’s descent into drugs hell failed to cease. A Pal conformed “Cheryl only goes to the shop twice a year because of showbiz, so she has to buy everything tinned and in bulk.”

 

SUICIDE

 

An embarrassed Cheryl was stopped at the counter in Tesco and questioned after alarm bells rang when the Popstar winner attempted to purchase more than 2 packets of painkillers. “She had 30 boxes of Paracetamol and 30 boxes of ibuprofen and was immediately restrained by Tesco staff and dragged into the Stockroom where she underwent several torturous hours of by the store’s Suicide Expert.

CIGARETTES

 

Cheryl, who doesn’t smoke cigarettes because it’s bad for her health and she doesn’t like the taste, confessed everything to Tesco staff. The Store’s Suicide Expert / Trolley Collector admitted “She was really nice. After we’d strip searched her and beaten the truth out of her, we all decided to put on a show for her to judge and she said she really liked it. It was just like being on the X-Factor. Jane,47, who works on produce commented “She was really down to earth. When I told her about my grandson in the third world who was born with a cleft pallet, she didn’t hesitate to write me a cheque for over a million pounds.”

 

HELL

 

It was a day from Hell for poor Cole nee Tweedy. A Pal told us “She was supposed to be throwing a lavish party for the cast of Hollyoaks and was planning on making her famous football shaped quiche but there wasn’t enough time so she had to buy a pre-cooked one instead.” The Tesco staff, involved in Cheryl’s drug hell were so inspired by Cheryl that they have decided to make a record in a bid for the Christmas number one slot.