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Michelle Heaton: Bitch in knickers

Lisa Scott-Lee’s ex sister in law Michelle Heaton announced last night that she is launching her own exclusive range of underwear.

 

Michelle has been working hard on the design since unceremoniously leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house. Michelle is very excited about the project. “I’ve been a singer and a television star and I like to dip my finger into different pies. Now I’ve got my fingers in knickers.” She gagged.

 

Michelle will face a lot of competition as the market is full of celebrity endorsed underwear. How will Michelle’s range fare alongside Kathy Staff’s tights and the Heather Mills stocking? “I’ve got my knickers in a twist or should I say there’s a twist to my knickers,” joked the Liberty X star. “I’ve had to look for a gap in the market and there are loads of knickers available for women so it got me thinking who else wears knickers?”

 

Michelle’s underwear will be called the Heat On range and will be designed for dogs on heat. “Dogs can make a hell of a mess when they’re on heat” she wept “I just thought it was about time something was done about it. I’ve got a Labrador and a cream carpet, you do the math.” Poor Michelle’s carpet woes came to a halt when she put a pair of her old knickers on the pup. “Hey presto,” she rejoiced “The mess was all in one spot and my furniture stain free. I felt inspired and thought it was my duty as a celebrity to help people all over the world with this global problem.”

 

Michelle’s Heat On underwear range will be launched next month at Pet World. Lucky bitches all over the country will be able to take their pick from a range of glamorous designs. “Don’t call them that please, I find it really disrespectful towards women.” Begged the ex sister in law of Lisa Scott Lee.

Ben Adams loses Big Brother but wins modelling contract

Celebrity Big Brother’s boy-band bonny boy Ben is determined to prove that he is no more than just a pretty face. The BB loser has signed an exclusive modelling contract with high street fashion chain Topman. A delighted Ben told us, “I’m delighted. I’ve always wanted to prove that I am just a pretty face and this is the perfect way for me to showcase that quality.”

 

Ben will begin his modelling contract this spring. Topman’s top man told us. “Ben will be standing in our Oxford Street window for the first six months of his contract. We normally use mannequins but they’ve put the prices up and we can’t afford them. We’ve been searching for models for months and then we saw Ben in Big Brother and he fitted the bill perfectly.” Ben will be dressed in the season’s most fashionable clothes by a window dresser, positioned and forced to stand still so he doesn’t distract customers.

 

Ben’s initial concern was that he would starve to death but Topman have a plan to ensure he will survive. “Ben will be fed Yoplait through an intravenous drip three times a day and will have a catheter fitted so he has no excuse to move.” According to his contract, if Ben moves at all throughout the six month period he will not get paid. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he told us. “I just want to prove once and for all that there are absolutely no brains behind my beauty.”

Ulrika Jonsson pissing herself on Live TV

 

Years before she was crowned the winner of Celebrity Big Brother Ulrika used to earn only £2.50 a day presenting the weather on TV-AM. The following is a clip of what happened when Ken Dodd came in to the studio and stuck his feather duster up her skirt to distract her. Ulrika thought it was hilarious and began a relationship with the ageing entertainer. Together the couple sold photographs of their every move to magazines such as Woman’s Own and My Weekly and became worth £200, thus making them the 897654th most powerful celebrity couple in the world.

‘Nice’ Celebrity Gets Burnt as Bike Goes Bang and Blows!

Anthea Turner is famous for being a presenter and for making loads of money by posing with a chocolate bar, instead of her husband, in her wedding pictures. She is a former Blue Peter presenter and because she was so saccharine sweet she made thousands of innocent children turn to violence because they didn’t want to grow up like her.

 

Of late, Anthea hasn’t really been on terrestrial television and that is because she has been staring on her own show on the sub channels. Hidden away in the depths of satellite and cable television, Anthea is the star of Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife, a programme in which she attempts to ridicule feminism. In one episode Anthea can be seen begging like a dog while her husband teases her with cash. He then makes her roll over, only to tear up the cash and spit on her. It was ever so degrading, but she loved it because she loves everything.

 

Most recently, the former Celebrity Big Brother contestant can be seen presenting Help Me Anthea – I’m infested. A show in which she helps people get rid of crabs, worms, lice and genital warts. It’s certainly not for the faint hearted. There was once a time when Anthea blew up and it was really dreadful. Here it is…