Katy Perry goes tits over ass

Singing lesbian and all round super hot sex pot Katy Perry managed to upset the audience at a recent benefit gig for victims of Weight Watchers.

 

Katy agreed to perform her same sex snog anthem I Kissed a Girl in front of thousands of hungry dieters. Controversially Katy had the bare faced cheek to flaunt herself around a huge cake that sent the starving salad dodgers swarming towards the stage. Katy brought her own security guards who ensured her safety by attacking the charging hordes with cattle prods, taser guns and violent punches.

 

To rub salt into the crowds gaping wounds and growling stomachs Katy threw her slender frame on top of the cake and rubbed her womanhood all over it. At this point the hungry onlookers returned to their seats. The audience had the last laugh though when the singing lesbian became so lubricated she couldn’t stand up to leave the stage.

 

Watch the dirty mess below…

Dear Richard Hammond

For years friends of mine have commented on how much they think I look like you but I failed to believe them until I recently holidayed in Scarborough.

 

Upon arriving at the Grand Hotel, I noticed that the receptionist turned a peculiar shade of crimson and began whispering to the maitre d. I was shown to my room and thought nothing more of it until 30 minutes later when a complimentary bottle of champagne was delivered to my room courtesy of the hotel Manager, along with a note expressing his great admiration for me. I found this very odd until my wife, pointed out that they probable think that I am David Tennant, as this has happened on several occasions and causes great embarrassment on the occasional passing of rowdy school busses.

 

My evening meal was served amidst lots of whispers and nudges and in the end my wife and I decided to eat in our room. It was then that I spotted a note that had been slid under the door from a fellow holiday maker offering me a large sum of money to spend an hour with his wife apart from the note was addressed to Richard Hammond. Needless to say I declined the offer. However, I continued to receive gifts, toy cars, flowers, vouchers and my pre-paid holiday was refunded as it was an honour to have Richard Hammond staying in their Hotel and although my card said my name on it the only comment I received regarding my true identity was that it was ‘very wise’ of me to use a pseudonym. Due to the credit crunch and the decline in the country’s economy I decided to take advantage of the situation and managed to make a saving of over £400 which I put towards a conservatory.

 

You may also like to know that I also received an extra £250 after visiting a sick child in hospital, at the request of the hotel, and he was thrilled to meet me/you and they took some photographs which I told them could be forwarded to me via Top Gear at the BBC. When you receive the photographs could you please send them to me at the address above, I would most appreciate it.

 

The funny thing about the whole thing is, I am actually 6’5 tall which means that the idiots who believed that I was you must also think that Jeremy Clarkson is nearly 8 feet tall. I mustn’t laugh though because these people saved me a lot of money and my conservatory is really coming on. Please may I have a signed picture of you and then I will have something to leave with an ill child, should I ever meet one again under such circumstances.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Leigh

Awaiting reply

 

 

Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

 

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

 

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

 

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

 

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

 

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

 

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

 

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

 

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.