Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.

The Toxic star is currently touring prisons and reform schools in a bid to rid the world of crime with the power of her pop hits. Nashville, Tennessee Penitentiary was Britney’s first stop where the yummy mummy managed to reduce some of the world’s most brutal serial killers to tears with a tender rendition of (You Drive Me) Crazy.

PAEDOPHILE

An incarcerated paedophile in Vermont quipped, “If I’d have had access to Britney’s music ten years ago I doubt I would have committed such unspeakable crimes.” Britney’s aim is to get every prisoner in the world to buy her new album. For every 1000 copies bought a prisoner will be released back into society and has a chance of starring in one of Britney’s videos.

RAPE

Britney got a big surprise when she arrives at New York State Penitentiary. The prisoners had been working hard for the past six months learning the dance routine to Britney’s breakthrough hit Baby, One More Time. In full schoolgirl regalia, the convicts danced like they were free to an ecstatic Britney who was also delighted to learn that mindless violence in the prison had reduced, since rehearsing began, by 89%. However, the compulsive schoolgirl uniform was said to have been responsible for the 99% increase in prison sodomy. Britney was thrilled with the statistics as it gave her the opportunity to shout her favourite slogan of all time. ‘Make Love Not War’

The above was based on a statement given by Ron Marceau, serial killer and prison Hairdresser, NYC penitentiary. Ron likes reading, walking around in circles, lifting weights, hearing voices and Britney Spears.