Susan Boyle’s Controversial Makeover

Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle stunned fans today when she unveiled her controversial new image. Boyle shunned the advice of stylists who tried to persuade her to go with a kooky Lady Gaga style and instead opted for the image of her favourite pinup G**y G*****r (whose name cannot be entered into any computer in full, as it leads to your computer being confiscated and given a thorough investigation). Susan Boyle’s hairdresser offered us a full explanation for her shocking transformation.

‘Susan is from a sleepy village and news travels slow here. In our village G**y G*****r has only just reached the top of the hit parade with his pop song ‘*’* *** ******!’ Susan loves him so much and I didn’t want to break her heart with the shocking truth. I estimated that she should find out in approximately 12 years by which time his career will have lapsed and she will be fantasising about Eddie the Eagle Edwards which I hope will soften the blow and no, I didn’t bat an eyelid when she asked for a quiff. It’s my most popular ‘do.”

Boyle is currently visiting young offender’s institutes in an attempt to decrease crime levels with a terrifying kiss-chase.

Dear Royal Albert Hall

Could you please send me a list of costings for approximately 35 children and 94 adults on 13th August 2009. We are having a cold buffet meal which will be supplied my good friend Jamie Oliver and my good friend Louie Walsh has guaranteed that entertainment will be provided in the form of Westlife. My daughter very much admires Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson who shall burst out of a large gift box and frighten her to death.

I won just short of 16M on the lottery so I really do not mind how much it costs. I just hope that I am treated with the same respect that people who are born into money are treated with, such as the Queen and Tara Palmer Tomkinson, who is a very close friend of mine.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Leigh

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the hiring of the Royal Albert Hall.

We very much regret that the Hall is not available on the date you request as it has been booked by the BBC for their annual summer Proms season.

We do hope you will be able to find an alternative venue.

Yours Sincerely,

Elizabeth Abusch

Customer Services Co-ordinator