‘Nice’ Celebrity Gets Burnt as Bike Goes Bang and Blows!

Anthea Turner is famous for being a presenter and for making loads of money by posing with a chocolate bar, instead of her husband, in her wedding pictures. She is a former Blue Peter presenter and because she was so saccharine sweet she made thousands of innocent children turn to violence because they didn’t want to grow up like her.

Of late, Anthea hasn’t really been on terrestrial television and that is because she has been staring on her own show on the sub channels. Hidden away in the depths of satellite and cable television, Anthea is the star of Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife, a programme in which she attempts to ridicule feminism. In one episode Anthea can be seen begging like a dog while her husband teases her with cash. He then makes her roll over, only to tear up the cash and spit on her. It was ever so degrading, but she loved it because she loves everything.

Most recently, the former Celebrity Big Brother contestant can be seen presenting Help Me Anthea – I’m infested. A show in which she helps people get rid of crabs, worms, lice and genital warts. It’s certainly not for the faint hearted. There was once a time when Anthea blew up and it was really dreadful. Here it is…

Dear John Leslie

You walked past me and you were wearing beige corduroy trousers with a dark brown leather belt which had a gold buckle, there were two holes to spare on your belt but there were evident signs of wear on the last hole suggesting that you had either borrowed the belt from someone who was larger than you or recently lost some weight. You looked very smart with your shirt collar sticking out of your navy blue lambs-wool jumper, although, and I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you could have done with a once over from a de-fuzzer. I don’t suppose you have one of those though do you John? I remember being surprised that you had, possibly, three days growth of stubble but then I thought that you were probably taking a break from the strict shaving regimes that are necessary for your television appearances. I could tell that you looked after your skin and moisturised regularly but suffered slightly with open pores. I have never noticed this problem on the countless photographs I have of you so I’m assuming that a talented make-up artist gave you some valuable advice on this matter.

I smiled and thought, thank God, he’s human when I noticed the small amount of sleep gathered in the nook of your left eye. You must have felt my stare because you lifted your perfectly manicured hand and as you smoothed out your light crows feet with your thumb you wiped away the offensive dried green residue with your index finger (there was a terrible wick on there John, I was worried it would become infected).

I followed you all afternoon and stood behind you at the ice-cream van, as you were asking for a Mr Whippy with a flake and nuts on, I leaned forward and deeply inhaled your scent. It was more than a smell John, it became a feeling! You may remember a fracas that occurred shortly after you had made your purchase as unfortunately I heard someone say something insulting about you and your relationship with Catherine Zeta-Jones and there was nothing that I could do other than punch her full-on in the face. I broke her nose and she suffered from severe concussion and it was then that we parted company as I was escorted from the fate by armed police.

I later discovered that your scent came in a bottle labelled Givenchy Pour Homme. Now I always smell like you. Anyway John I’ve got to go as my wife is calling me downstairs for supper. It’s my youngest son’s Holy Communion tomorrow and I’ve lots to prepare. I hope this has an effect on my son because I’m now estranged from my eldest son as he chose hairdressing over his religion and I refuse to have a gender-blender under my roof.

Please may I have a signed photograph of you because now my son is dead to me I have a spare frame on the mantle.

Dear Blue Peter

I sent them a really crap drawing of a dog aswell. Needless to say, I am yet to receive my Blue Peter badge.