Christian Bale remixed

Batman star Christian Bale is set to release his first single in aid of children all over the world who can’t afford playstations and don’t wash. It makes you want to pump yourself full with loads of drugs, remove your clothes and dance like you’ve had a reaction to strobe.

The BBC were kind enough to broadcast the single for the viewers to enjoy with their cornflakes…

Lulu

Unfortunately, the T-Mobile advert has subjected yet another generation to the shrill sound of “Weeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaaa-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel”. Not a year goes by without Shout blasting out of the radio or telly. Ban the record and people will stop killing.

There are so many reasons why Lulu qualifies for this week’s Celebrity Tit and here are a few. Add to the list if you wish.

Flora

In the Flora advert we witnessed Lulu working out her cholesterol level after speedily solving a mathematical puzzle. Smug cow, as if we believe she did that herself – she thinks we’re thick.

Her Face

Every time she’s on telly someone complements her on how youthful she looks. It’s making her head swell – look at the size of her face!

Her Accent

In interviews she constantly takes the mickey out of her Scottish accent and slips into over accentuated and exaggerated impressions that cause great embarrassment and shame in the interviewee and the viewer.

Recently she’s become a judge on that BBC Eurovision X-Factor rip-off and she’s suddenly American. Each week she vomits out one liners such as, “You go girlfriend!” (complete with wobbly Jerry Springer head) “You got it goin’ on!” and “You better watch yo’ back mutha f****r, ‘fore I pop a cap in yo’ ass!”

Singing

Again, every time she’s interviewed, if given the opportunity, she will burst into song. This is no doubt an attempt to prove that she’s still got ‘it’. If ‘it’ is the ability to singlehandedly increase the suicide rate and drive people into ramming freshly sharpened pencils into their ears then Lulu has got ‘it’ in abundance. She should go to Iraq to entertain the troops.

BBC Complaints: Balls Revealed On Live TV

Over 600,000 complaints have been logged against the BBC in view of this Saturday’s Lottery programme. Viewers are demanding to know the winning numbers before they are revealed exclusively on Saturday’s show.

One disgruntled viewer moaned “We pay our license fee. We have the right to know.” Another viewer said “It’s ridiculous. They tell us the numbers after we’ve bought the tickets. What are we supposed to do, guess?’

The BBC laughed off the complaints and called our reporter a “stupid idiot” which sparked a separate complaint already totalling 30,000. Within the 30,000 there was said to be a racially motivated incident so a subgroup was launched and this now has over 65,000 complaints logged. Unfortunately, the last count was accidentally left on a train by an incompetent BBC employee. Therefore, another complaint has been registered with complainers totalling over 6 million.

Dear Fiona Bruce

My wife will celebrate her 50th Birthday on 5th July 2009 and I would love to present her with something really memorable and special. I have hired a marquis for the event along with the same band that performed at our wedding 25 years ago. As she is such a huge fan of yours I think it would be a wonderful surprise if, after we have done the speeches, we could bring out a large gift box which you could come bursting out of whilst shouting surprise at the top of your voice.

I know you’re thinking ‘no way’ but I am willing to pay a large sum in order to make my wife’s day as special as possible. I won just short of 19M in the lottery a few years ago and am basically asking you to name your price.

Thank you so much Fiona, you are a real talent and I look forward to hearing from you and wish you all the very best in everything that you do.

Love From Leigh

P.S May I please have a signed photograph if it’s not too much trouble.

Dear Michelle Collins

Love from Leigh x