Kym Marsh: My Baby Joy

 

Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

 

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

 

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

 

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”

Britney Spears in Prison

 

The Toxic star is currently touring prisons and reform schools in a bid to rid the world of crime with the power of her pop hits. Nashville, Tennessee Penitentiary was Britney’s first stop where the yummy mummy managed to reduce some of the world’s most brutal serial killers to tears with a tender rendition of (You Drive Me) Crazy.

 

PAEDOPHILE

 

An incarcerated paedophile in Vermont quipped, “If I’d have had access to Britney’s music ten years ago I doubt I would have committed such unspeakable crimes.” Britney’s aim is to get every prisoner in the world to buy her new album. For every 1000 copies bought a prisoner will be released back into society and has a chance of starring in one of Britney’s videos.

 

RAPE

 

Britney got a big surprise when she arrives at New York State Penitentiary. The prisoners had been working hard for the past six months learning the dance routine to Britney’s breakthrough hit Baby, One More Time. In full schoolgirl regalia, the convicts danced like they were free to an ecstatic Britney who was also delighted to learn that mindless violence in the prison had reduced, since rehearsing began, by 89%. However, the compulsive schoolgirl uniform was said to have been responsible for the 99% increase in prison sodomy. Britney was thrilled with the statistics as it gave her the opportunity to shout her favourite slogan of all time. ‘Make Love Not War’

 

The above was based on a statement given by Ron Marceau, serial killer and prison Hairdresser, NYC penitentiary. Ron likes reading, walking around in circles, lifting weights, hearing voices and Britney Spears.