Madonna Adoption: The Latest

Sex book author Madonna’s emotional tug of war with a Malawian child is set to turn physical next week when she returns to the country to fight for a new kiddie.

 

A Malawian Madonna and adoption expert has given us all the inside gossip. He told us, “Madonna will arrive at the orphanage and chose a child that she wants. She has her photograph taken with the ones she likes and then decides which one is most complimentary and photogenic and then she gets rid of the children that don’t compliment her by using a nail-biting process of elimination.”

 

Madonna already has three attractive children and cannot risk adopting a hideously ugly one as candid paparazzi photographs of her family will be ruined. An orphanage employee told us, “We’ve got millions of disabled kids but Madonna won’t have one of those because they can make a mess of your car and pull unpredictable faces on photographs.”

 

Madonna’s tug of war will begin on Monday morning. Madonna is thought to be pulling on the child’s right arm and Malawian authorities will be pulling on the left. It is widely believed that if any of the arms get broken Madonna is just going to leave it. A spokesperson said “If the child’s arm gets broken during the tug of war Madonna will leave the child in the orphanage because she has a world tour to rehearse for and has no time to stick knitting needles down pots to scratch an itch. To be one of Madonna’s children you have to grow up pretty fast, look after yourself and develop your own skills. When Madonna is your mum the fame comes for free and you don’t have to pay for it… IN SWEAT!.. because it’s free, like I said.”