How is it Cameron Diaz

 

Greetings from Leigh in the United Kingdom.  I am not long of this earth. Arrived here in the glorious UK from Slovakia to seek great fortune and have many Slovakian misgivings for which I beg you to forgive.

 

Your movies spreads the wild fire in my heart and your face has the burning heat of one thousand sunsets bringing endless pleasure to me and my fellow Slovakians. I do not wish to beg you for funding as I am a fashion designer for Primark. I make over four hundred sweaters on my machine and employ a great friendship with my fellow designers who talk about Cameron Diaz in the movies.

 

Fashion is my virtue and I imagine the sweaters on my movie-star and my movie-star rewarding my strength with a kiss. Forgive my blushes.

 

I desire to make movies in the Hollywood and have very good friend who is taking us there when the police break my job with Primark. I pay him large money and arrive in the Hollywood when released from container. He promises more air than the journey to UK that said a sad farewell to my dog and cousin. My uncle was blinded by bad sanitary but he doesn’t care because of his love for music.

 

It is my big dream to make you a movie and have created a movie in words that I long for you to star at with your permission. I will make great fortune for you and I will live in the Hollywood hill with children and a helicopter I endeavour.

 

The film in words is the story of a lady with the beauty of combed sand and her husband who dies in the container. The love between the people is a burning fire and the lady is destroyed by the death of her lover. Surprise to her, a big dog (like Turner and Hooch movie dog) arrives at husbands funeral and he is husband reincarnated. The lady and dog become beautiful friends and fall into deep, unforgiving love. The dog writes the lady a letter by pen in mouth. The lady reads the letter and becomes understanding of the love. The film ends with the dog making love, as deep as the ocean, to the lady and the passion of her marriage becomes alive but her husband is still dead and a dog.  Please Cameron Diaz, I wish for you to act as the lady. The dog will be made of special effect like my joy which is Scooby Doo 2.

 

Please forgive me a photograph with your autograph and personal information about yourself but not your bank. It will be a precious treasure to me. You will be so grateful to do my film for me. You will bring my great fortune in Hollywood. Maybe, if I may be so bold and outrageous, we will wed and on the night of our sacred vows I will reveal to you the true identity of my uncle. You will be in excellent shock when you find out who he REALLY is but it is a secret which you must cradle to your grave and for this I give you great blessings and trust. My fellow Slovakians tell me “Cameron Diaz, she will not let you down.” “Ha,” I say “No problem.”

 

In my hometown in Slovakia it is tradition for women that teeth are the trophies of the devil and hair is Gods blanket that disguises loves favourite sin. Don’t worry Cameron Diaz. I KNOW you understand. I look forward to receiving you. My friend in Primark want to say something to you now..

 

GREETINGS CAMERON DIAZ FROM UK. MY FRIEND IS GOOD MAN AND WISE. HE LIKE YOU AND TALK TO ME OF YOU FOREVER. I GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS FOR YOU. I LIKE ACE VENTURA MOVIES. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT HIM FROM ME. FORM ALEXEJ.

 

Har Har my friend is so crazy. Best Wishes for you and I wait to receive you now.

 

How are you today

 

Leigh x

She sent me this lovely photograph. Unfortunately, there was no mention of her starring in my film.

Dear Tamzin Outhwaite

 

 

 

Dear Penelope Keith

To be honest Penelope, I don’t really want to do it but a while ago I was in a local nightclub with my friends and had had a bit to drink when I overheard a conversation about one of my friends having terminal cancer. This was the first I had heard of it. I cut my night short and went home and came up with a great idea to show my friend how much I care by throwing myself off the bridge to raise money for him. I got the media interested and set up a website and the money started rolling in. Fighting back the tears, I eventually told my friend what I was doing. He laughed his head off.

He does not have terminal cancer and I confronted the friends I overheard and they said that they had never said such a thing but I may have heard them saying he was a ‘terrible dancer,’ which he really is Penelope. Because of the booking and media attention my jump has gotten, it is impossible for me to back out.

I was wondering if you could send me a signed photograph and a message of support. I’d love to be able to show the local television stations that I have the support of someone as wonderful as yours truly (you). I hope you don’t mind but I’ll probably sell the photograph to raise money for the charity. As my friend is not dying I have decided to use the money to fund a campaign against prison sodomy and I’ve got to make a small contribution to the Cat’s Protection League because I accidentally killed one the last time I cut the grass.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love from Leigh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kym Marsh: My Baby Joy

 

Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

 

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

 

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

 

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”