Jamie Oliver

 

Jamie Oliver nearly choked on his fat tongue this week when a stray pubic hair made its way onto one of his famous dishes.

 “I coulthn’t beleithe ith” He splurged, “I thlook ith thloo thle thlable anthld thlere ith wath sthlaring me in thle flathe.” Luckily Jamie who is famous for having no sense of humour, being completely narcissistic and having the face that everyone associates with the term ‘window licker’, was only serving the dish to his poor wife.

 Jools Oliver, Jamie’s wife, who is famous for being married to a fat tongued narcissist didn’t even flinch when the plate was put in front of her. “I have to sit looking at Jamie every meal time and because of this I have developed a cast iron gag reflex. A pubic hair is nothing compared to the amount of dribble and spit that ends up on my plate.”

 Jamie famously made school dinners a million times worse by removing favourite foods from the lunchtime menu. A schoolboy recently revealed ‘Now we don’t eat lunch at all because it’s so disgusting so we spend money on drugs instead and because not eating has given us an extra hour we’ve got more time to join gangs, kick pensioners and get the really skinny girls pregnant.”