Dear Matt Damon

I have been a fan of yours since I saw you in that film you did. It was great. I am thrilled that you have decided to come and work in England. I do think you need to raise your profile though, because I asked around and a few people didn’t know who you were. My milkman did but I asked my neighbour and she thought you were a bar of chocolate, she is ninety-eight next week, so we’re having a surprise party for her. All of her friends and family are going to sneak into her house while her helper gives her a bath and we’re going to hide in her dining room. She will jump out of her skin when we she gets out of her stair-lift and enters the room as we’re all going to shout surprise and let off party poppers and fireworks. I can’t wait to see the look on her little face. Do you want to come?

Anyway, to raise your profile I have created some ideas for TV shows which may be of some interest to you. Old people generally tend to watch a lot of television so you will be a household name within no time. Firstly there’s ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’, – you will travel around seaside towns visiting famous attractions such as Blackpool Tower and a monument in Scunthorpe. You will then say whether you think it’s nicer than America or not. If it is then you award the Mayor with a ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’ certificate and rosette. If you don’t like it then the mayor unfortunately gets gunged in a big tank. I’m sorry Matt, but this is only fair. It will make great viewing and my neighbour said that she would definitely be interested in a show of this calibre.

My other idea is ‘Damon Dares’ – in this you will be given a choice of six golden envelopes each containing a different dare. You will then pick one, it could range from anything to walking a tightrope or putting your hand in a dog’s mouth. If you do it successfully you win a ‘Damon Dares’ mug but if not then you must give one million pounds to a lucky viewer who will be chosen at random from a telephone book.

Good luck with these projects Matt and if you want to come to the party my address is at the top of the page. Please can I have a signed picture of you before your fame spirals out of control.