Dear Charlotte Church

I have told my associates on countless occasions that you are called Charlotte Church because you sing like you are in church and it is a STAGE NAME ONLY.

None of the other teachers agree with me and one even called me stupid to my face. I won’t go into detail about what I did to her but there is a full investigation going on at the moment and the less said on this matter, the better, as far as I’m concerned, as due to the lack of witnesses, it is her word against mine so I think I’m in the all-clear.

Last week I really lost my rag in the staff room as my theory became the butt of everyones jokes. Well Charlotte, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I stood on a chair and I told them that I am so confident that your surname is a stage name that if I am wrong I will allow every teacher to give me a free punch anywhere on the body, including my face.

However, since making this announcement I have been unable to find sufficient evidence to back up my claim as most of your press releases claim that Charlotte Church is, infact, your real name. I would have a word with your agent and get this matter sorted out as newspapers can get away with printing any old rubbish.

Therefore, the reason I am writing this letter is to request hard evidence from you to prove that I am right and that the other teachers are idiots. I am so grateful for you reading this letter and wait, with baited breath, for your response. I am going through a very nasty divorce at the moment but I really enjoy your cd.

Love from Leigh Clark

Charlotte obviously cared a great deal for my welfare as she sent me a photograph that said this on it:

To Lee (that’s not how you spell it, silly cow!)

Love Charlotte Church x

P.S It IS my real name!

Cheers Charlotte!