Dear Adrian Chiles & Christine Bleakley

Dear Adrian Chiles

I thoroughly enjoy watching you on The One Show but the reception on my television is quite bad on that channel so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to move it to BBC2. I don’t think it would get in the way because I’ve looked at what’s offered on BBC2 at 7pm and frankly Adrian, it’s nothing but rubbish.

I think you cope really well with Christine on that programme. If I’m honest with you Adrian her voice gets on my nerves. If I was you I’d have to tell her to shut up or at least get some earplugs. I watch the programme mainly because I think you’re a great presenter but also because there’s nothing else on at that time apart from Emmerdale but I watch the omnibus at the weekend. The dogs go mad when they see Paddy, I think it’s because he’s a vet. The cats don’t mind him though because they’re normally outside.

My wife just told me that she needs your size because she wants to knit you a jumper. You don’t have to pay her for it, unless you want to, because it’s a gift. Also what colour do you want? If you don’t let us know she’s just going to knit one in green.

Please can I have a signed photograph of you to show the neighbours and then they might start watching. Thank you so much you are inspiring and insipidational for me.

From Leigh Clark

Thanks for your great letter. Good to receive one to add to my own small pile of mail (Christine receives far more than can be healthy for one person).

Sorry to hear that we’re not coming over in full crystal clear glory on your television – although in my case this is probably a distinct improvement. You can decide for yourself whether you really would prefer a sharper picture as I am enclosing a signed photo as requested.

I’m sure any jumper your wife wants to knit me will be just fine. Please thank her for the kind offer. If she really does want to know my preferred colours, she can’t go wrong with West Bromwich Albion’s blue and white! And tell her that I am a lot slimmer (42″ chest) and somewhat taller (6ft 1in) than I may appear on that fuzzy screen of yours.

With best wishes

Adrian Chiles

Ideally I wanted him to really slag Christine off. I’ve written to her aswell so hopefully I’ll hear back from her soon. The accompanying photograph is the start of a brand new project of mine called HOW COOL CAN YOU LOOK WHILST HOLDING A PHOTOGRAPH OF ADRIAN CHILES? Please post your entries to my email address. Seriously, I love Adrian.

Dear Christine Bleakley

Between you and me Christine, I don’t know how you cope with Adrian breathing down your neck. I find him really annoying and you won’t know this Christine but whilst you’re presenting his lecherous eyes are all over you. If I was you I would ask if I could sit on a separate chair.

I love the Irish. I remember Dana. I wish she was back on the scene as she was a great entertainer with real class not like that Jane McDonald she’s more like a fishmonger’s wife than a TV personality. Why don’t you see if you can get Dana on the show one day and you could talk about St Patrick’s Day and do recipes and, of course, drink Guinness.

My wife has a lovely little Irish doll, still in its packaging and wearing full regalia and with a tiny shamrock embroidered onto the back of her little jacket. You can have it if you want Christine, as a gift from us for making TV so enjoyable. Please let me know if you would like it. You could keep it on the table in front of you as a lucky charm and it would remind you of your family and friends at home. I bet you miss your family don’t you Christine? I’ve only got pets and a wife but I had to go into hospital for a few days for personal reasons that I am NOT willing to go into, but I missed my family so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears. My dogs went mad when I came home. The cats weren’t to bothered though because they were outside.

Please can I have a photograph of you and don’t forget about the doll. We can’t hang onto it forever for goodness sake. Keep up the good work Love.

Love from Leigh

How is it Cameron Diaz

Greetings from Leigh in the United Kingdom.  I am not long of this earth. Arrived here in the glorious UK from Slovakia to seek great fortune and have many Slovakian misgivings for which I beg you to forgive.

Your movies spreads the wild fire in my heart and your face has the burning heat of one thousand sunsets bringing endless pleasure to me and my fellow Slovakians. I do not wish to beg you for funding as I am a fashion designer for Primark. I make over four hundred sweaters on my machine and employ a great friendship with my fellow designers who talk about Cameron Diaz in the movies.

Fashion is my virtue and I imagine the sweaters on my movie-star and my movie-star rewarding my strength with a kiss. Forgive my blushes.

I desire to make movies in the Hollywood and have very good friend who is taking us there when the police break my job with Primark. I pay him large money and arrive in the Hollywood when released from container. He promises more air than the journey to UK that said a sad farewell to my dog and cousin. My uncle was blinded by bad sanitary but he doesn’t care because of his love for music.

It is my big dream to make you a movie and have created a movie in words that I long for you to star at with your permission. I will make great fortune for you and I will live in the Hollywood hill with children and a helicopter I endeavour.

The film in words is the story of a lady with the beauty of combed sand and her husband who dies in the container. The love between the people is a burning fire and the lady is destroyed by the death of her lover. Surprise to her, a big dog (like Turner and Hooch movie dog) arrives at husbands funeral and he is husband reincarnated. The lady and dog become beautiful friends and fall into deep, unforgiving love. The dog writes the lady a letter by pen in mouth. The lady reads the letter and becomes understanding of the love. The film ends with the dog making love, as deep as the ocean, to the lady and the passion of her marriage becomes alive but her husband is still dead and a dog.  Please Cameron Diaz, I wish for you to act as the lady. The dog will be made of special effect like my joy which is Scooby Doo 2.

Please forgive me a photograph with your autograph and personal information about yourself but not your bank. It will be a precious treasure to me. You will be so grateful to do my film for me. You will bring my great fortune in Hollywood. Maybe, if I may be so bold and outrageous, we will wed and on the night of our sacred vows I will reveal to you the true identity of my uncle. You will be in excellent shock when you find out who he REALLY is but it is a secret which you must cradle to your grave and for this I give you great blessings and trust. My fellow Slovakians tell me “Cameron Diaz, she will not let you down.” “Ha,” I say “No problem.”

In my hometown in Slovakia it is tradition for women that teeth are the trophies of the devil and hair is Gods blanket that disguises loves favourite sin. Don’t worry Cameron Diaz. I KNOW you understand. I look forward to receiving you. My friend in Primark want to say something to you now..

GREETINGS CAMERON DIAZ FROM UK. MY FRIEND IS GOOD MAN AND WISE. HE LIKE YOU AND TALK TO ME OF YOU FOREVER. I GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS FOR YOU. I LIKE ACE VENTURA MOVIES. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT HIM FROM ME. FORM ALEXEJ.

Har Har my friend is so crazy. Best Wishes for you and I wait to receive you now.

How are you today

Leigh x

She sent me this lovely photograph. Unfortunately, there was no mention of her starring in my film.

Dear Richard Hammond

For years friends of mine have commented on how much they think I look like you but I failed to believe them until I recently holidayed in Scarborough.

Upon arriving at the Grand Hotel, I noticed that the receptionist turned a peculiar shade of crimson and began whispering to the maitre d. I was shown to my room and thought nothing more of it until 30 minutes later when a complimentary bottle of champagne was delivered to my room courtesy of the hotel Manager, along with a note expressing his great admiration for me. I found this very odd until my wife, pointed out that they probable think that I am David Tennant, as this has happened on several occasions and causes great embarrassment on the occasional passing of rowdy school busses.

My evening meal was served amidst lots of whispers and nudges and in the end my wife and I decided to eat in our room. It was then that I spotted a note that had been slid under the door from a fellow holiday maker offering me a large sum of money to spend an hour with his wife apart from the note was addressed to Richard Hammond. Needless to say I declined the offer. However, I continued to receive gifts, toy cars, flowers, vouchers and my pre-paid holiday was refunded as it was an honour to have Richard Hammond staying in their Hotel and although my card said my name on it the only comment I received regarding my true identity was that it was ‘very wise’ of me to use a pseudonym. Due to the credit crunch and the decline in the country’s economy I decided to take advantage of the situation and managed to make a saving of over £400 which I put towards a conservatory.

You may also like to know that I also received an extra £250 after visiting a sick child in hospital, at the request of the hotel, and he was thrilled to meet me/you and they took some photographs which I told them could be forwarded to me via Top Gear at the BBC. When you receive the photographs could you please send them to me at the address above, I would most appreciate it.

The funny thing about the whole thing is, I am actually 6’5 tall which means that the idiots who believed that I was you must also think that Jeremy Clarkson is nearly 8 feet tall. I mustn’t laugh though because these people saved me a lot of money and my conservatory is really coming on. Please may I have a signed picture of you and then I will have something to leave with an ill child, should I ever meet one again under such circumstances.

Yours sincerely

Leigh

Awaiting reply

Dear Cheryl Baker

Dear Royal Albert Hall

Could you please send me a list of costings for approximately 35 children and 94 adults on 13th August 2009. We are having a cold buffet meal which will be supplied my good friend Jamie Oliver and my good friend Louie Walsh has guaranteed that entertainment will be provided in the form of Westlife. My daughter very much admires Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson who shall burst out of a large gift box and frighten her to death.

I won just short of 16M on the lottery so I really do not mind how much it costs. I just hope that I am treated with the same respect that people who are born into money are treated with, such as the Queen and Tara Palmer Tomkinson, who is a very close friend of mine.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Leigh

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the hiring of the Royal Albert Hall.

We very much regret that the Hall is not available on the date you request as it has been booked by the BBC for their annual summer Proms season.

We do hope you will be able to find an alternative venue.

Yours Sincerely,

Elizabeth Abusch

Customer Services Co-ordinator

Dear Frank Bruno

I have been a big fan of yours for some time but haven’t seen you on television for ages and I think it’s about time you had your own show.

Dear Dido

I couldn’t wait to show my friends your autograph to prove I had been in the company of greatness. Unfortunately Dido and I’m not sure if it was because you were drunk, you wrote a rather rude message and signed the prescription ‘Dildo’. This caused a great deal of embarrassment when I handed it in at the pharmacy. As nobody believes that I met you I was wondering if I gave you the recipe for the soup we discussed could you send me a signed photograph to make up for my embarrassment and to prove to my friends that I am not a fantasist. The recipe is as follows:

4tsp butter
2 leeks sliced
1lb carrots (slice them Dido, or get your maid to do it)
1tsp ground coriander
5 cups chicken stock
150 ml Greek Yoghurt
3tbsp chopped coriander

Melt butter in a large saucepan add the leeks and carrots (you have to slice them first otherwise the recipe won’t work) Stir well and then cover with a tight fitting lid. Make sure the handle is facing inwards or it could result in a nasty accident. Do you remember the state of my face that day in the surgery? That was because I left the pan handle facing outwards.
Stir the coriander & cook for 1 min. Pour in the stock and put salt & pepper in. The recipe says a pinch but you can’t taste it. I recommend at least 4tbsp Salt and a bit of pepper. If you don’t have any stock you can use watered down brown sauce but it disguises the taste of the carrots which is fine for me because I don’t really like carrots but I love brown sauce. Cover & simmer for 20 min until the leek & carrots are tender/soggy.
Leave to cool & then puree in a blender. I don’t have a blender so I just mash it up with a fork. Add some yoghurt (do NOT use Muller fruit corner) It says greek but any mild one will do.
Put the soup into a bowl and put a spoonful of yoghurt into the centre of each bowl. I discovered a great way of creating what I call the ‘splat’ effect. Simply suck the yoghurt up through a straw and then blow it out into the middle of each bowl to create a Jackson Pollock style mess which will no doubt impress your well-to-do friends. The recipe says serve immediately but can you remember what my lips looked like that day in the surgery? That was a result of eating something that was recommended to be served immediately and 2 years later my strict following of the recipe is still cosmetically evident. You must remember that ‘serve’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘eat’.

I hope you enjoy the soup as much as I enjoyed spending time with you in the surgery. I must go now because I think I just heard my dog being hit by a car. Hang on…

Yes it has been. I’d better go. I’ll look forward to receiving the signed picture of you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Tamzin Outhwaite

Tamzin sent back a signed picture. On the back it said this….Unfortunately – it was not I in Bridlington. Have fun T x

oh yeah Tamzin, I’ll have loads of fun breaking my poor lonely mother’s heart!

Dear Jane McDonald

1. When is Star for a Night coming back on TV?
2. What is your most embarrassing moment?

I really hope you put an end to my sleepless nights and answer these questions. In the meantime, I have noticed a distinct lack of original material on your albums and have therefore written you a song for you to either a) put on an album or b) release as a single (B PLEASE!!!) Here goes..

Sometimes I feel like dying
And wish that I was dead
Sometimes I feel like crying
But I cut myself instead

From the cuts come grief
But then I found a fan
And was overwhelmed with relief
Because he’s my perfect man

I love the way you kiss my lips
I love the way you laugh
I love the smell of your fingertips
When we make love in the bath

Now I don’t feel like killing myself
Because I’m so in love with you
But if you ever left me
Christ alone knows what I’d do

I don’t ever want to break up with you
I’d rather be buried alive
Buried alive a a ive
Buried aaaaaaaaaalive
Aaaalive
(heavy breathing)
Alive
(sound of a coffin lid slamming shut)
THE END

Thanks so much Jane, It’s called Buried Alive by Leigh Clark. I hope you like it, I’m not sure what I’ll do if you don’t. Oh well!
Can I please have a signed photograph of you for my personal use?

Love from Leigh

Dear Sophie Ellis Bextor

You disgust me. I wait patiently for you to release your album and over the weeks save £12 thinking that that would be enough. Upon its release I find out you are charging £15.99. Where the hell am I supposed to get that kind of money? I’ll tell you where, I had to turn to crime to buy your CD Sophie. I bet you don’t like the sound of that do you? I literally had to steal the extra £4 from an old lady’s purse in the care home in which I work for a pittance. I contemplated putting the money back but there was a huge investigation and a Malasian immigrant was fired as a result and then the old lady died so I couldn’t. I can not afford to lose my job when CD’s are so expensive.

My anger doesn’t end there I’m afraid Soph. When you released the single that was not on the CD I thought ‘fair enough Sophie Ellis Bextor will be releasing a new CD soon with another 10 or so tracks on it, I’d better get saving my money so I don’t have to steal again.’ Then what did you do Sophie? I’ll tell you what you did. You re-released the album that I paid £15.99 for and stuck your new single on the end with another fucking song. My blood was boiling Sophie. I was livid when the staff in Woolworths refused to swap my shit CD for the new one with extra tracks. So much so that I kicked the Manager on duty and spat in his face. I don’t work 4 twelve hour shifts a week, wiping mucky arseholes and lifting fat bastards in and out of baths to be treated like a piece of shit!

Anger aside, I think your album is brilliant and I am really pleased that you stopped Posh from getting to number one. I have managed to tape your new songs off the radio but the DJ’s always talk during the fade out which makes me really mad. ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ is fabulous. Keep up the good work.

Love from Leigh

I got a big signed photograph with Hello Leigh! Love Sophie on the front and on the back it said this:

P.S – I haven’t forgotten that some fans bought the original album. All new tracks will be released as singles. I won’t do it again with the next album! Sx.

I’m not sure if there was a ‘next’ album but her face sure looked beautiful on the side of them Monsoon carrier bags. I love you Sophie X

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