Jamie Oliver

 

Jamie Oliver nearly choked on his fat tongue this week when a stray pubic hair made its way onto one of his famous dishes.

 “I coulthn’t beleithe ith” He splurged, “I thlook ith thloo thle thlable anthld thlere ith wath sthlaring me in thle flathe.” Luckily Jamie who is famous for having no sense of humour, being completely narcissistic and having the face that everyone associates with the term ‘window licker’, was only serving the dish to his poor wife.

 Jools Oliver, Jamie’s wife, who is famous for being married to a fat tongued narcissist didn’t even flinch when the plate was put in front of her. “I have to sit looking at Jamie every meal time and because of this I have developed a cast iron gag reflex. A pubic hair is nothing compared to the amount of dribble and spit that ends up on my plate.”

 Jamie famously made school dinners a million times worse by removing favourite foods from the lunchtime menu. A schoolboy recently revealed ‘Now we don’t eat lunch at all because it’s so disgusting so we spend money on drugs instead and because not eating has given us an extra hour we’ve got more time to join gangs, kick pensioners and get the really skinny girls pregnant.”

Anthea Turner

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and other times bad things happen to Anthea Turner. Anthea Turner made a complete tit of herself on Hell’s Kitchen when her husband was ’sacked’ (the poor mans version of being ‘fired’). Grant acted like he had just been given his last rights whilst Anthea sobbed like a discarded foetus on the kitchen floor. “Please… DON’T TOUCH ME!” she wept as Miss Dynamite went to console her. Miss Dynamite shrugged her shoulders and walked away whilst millions of viewers screamed for her to go back and kick ungrateful Anthea really hard in her babymaker.
There is never a bad time to watch Anthea nearly get killed. Better luck next time motorbike rider.

Dollar

God love these two. Dollar are the most deluded former celebrities in the world. They recently starred in Living TV’s Pop Goes the Band and underwent drastic surgery as a means to achieve the good looks they once had during the 1970’s. The results were hilarious and if you missed it I urge you to sit in front of Living TV until it is repeated.

 

Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

 

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

 

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

 

Pop Goes the Band ad.

 

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

Support Dollar

Chris Brown

Chris Brown is this weeks celebrity tit because he smacked Rihanna. Check out this video of Rihanna & Chris performing Umbrella together. As soon as he comes on stage she goes all weak and grabs her stomach and runs off. Chris just carries on regardless with not a care in the world. He probably gave her a good kicking before she went on stage. The Bastard!

The entire cast of Paris Hilton’s new show

 

Just watch these desperados beg Paris Hilton for friendship. It’s like watching a bag of kittens and bricks beg for dear life as they are hurled into the air by a farmhand with no morals. Apart from these idiots get to live.

Lulu

 

Unfortunately, the T-Mobile advert has subjected yet another generation to the shrill sound of “Weeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaaa-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel”. Not a year goes by without Shout blasting out of the radio or telly. Ban the record and people will stop killing.

 

There are so many reasons why Lulu qualifies for this week’s Celebrity Tit and here are a few. Add to the list if you wish.

 

Flora

In the Flora advert we witnessed Lulu working out her cholesterol level after speedily solving a mathematical puzzle. Smug cow, as if we believe she did that herself – she thinks we’re thick.

 

Her Face

Every time she’s on telly someone complements her on how youthful she looks. It’s making her head swell – look at the size of her face!

 

Her Accent

In interviews she constantly takes the mickey out of her Scottish accent and slips into over accentuated and exaggerated impressions that cause great embarrassment and shame in the interviewee and the viewer.

Recently she’s become a judge on that BBC Eurovision X-Factor rip-off and she’s suddenly American. Each week she vomits out one liners such as, “You go girlfriend!” (complete with wobbly Jerry Springer head) “You got it goin’ on!” and “You better watch yo’ back mutha f****r, ‘fore I pop a cap in yo’ ass!”

 

Singing

Again, every time she’s interviewed, if given the opportunity, she will burst into song. This is no doubt an attempt to prove that she’s still got ‘it’. If ‘it’ is the ability to singlehandedly increase the suicide rate and drive people into ramming freshly sharpened pencils into their ears then Lulu has got ‘it’ in abundance. She should go to Iraq to entertain the troops.

Sharon Osbourne

Sharon Osbourne thinks she’s someone special. You can f!!k with her but DON’T f!!k with her family or she’ll go mental. The tight faced rock wife has never once considered that each person she has f!!!!d with has been someones daughter or someones son.

Sharon, who is secretly battling a Pedigree Chum addiction, recently starred in a crap VH1 programme that nobody was watching so she threw water in a young girls face and attacked her. She was surrounded by sycophants on that show and you can see her lapping up the attention following the attack. Sharon Osbourne is the most repugnant Celebrity Tit yet. Thank God she’s not using that repulsive faux baby voice on British Telly anymore. Watching Sharon Osbourne is like watching a dog chew a condom but less endearing.

Peaches Geldof

I’ve decided to be positive this year and I cannot think of anything positive to write about Peaches Geldof apart from her father, Sir Bob, has fed the world which is wonderful and her mother, the great yet late Paula Yates, was a milf and a lovely lady to boot.

Peaches (above) at the opening of a tin of dog food. Her handbag is by some pompous designer and cost the life of a starving family. Her favourite tipple is coke and it’s consumed in respect for her dead mother.

David Van Day

He has always been a tit. His appearance on I’m a Celebrity… only confirmed this. Here is a video of him and his Dollar partner arguing with Sonia a few years ago on Reborn in the USA. Dollar were voted out on the first week. This was hardly a surprise as they were… The word ’shit’ doesn’t do them justice.

Here’s evidence to back up my case. He sounds awful as it is and she comes in like a bloody foghorn.

Kerry Katona

There are many reasons why Kerry qualifies for this week’s Celebrity tit. Here are a few…

1. Being in Atomic Kitten.

2. Leaving Atomic Kitten.

3. Being on I’m a Celebrity…

4. The Iceland adverts.

5. Being so vocal about where she likes to stick her tongue.

6. Having an MTV show about being ‘crazy’.

7. Using bi-polar as an excuse for being ‘crazy’ and drunk.

8. The This Morning appearance.

9. Lying about being a drunk on the This Morning appearance.

10. Having an MTV show based around her having her tits reduced.

11. Her Husband.

The above image is taken from Kerry’s 2009 Calender. £4.99 from specialist stores. All proceeds of which go towards buying her husband another new car.

see with your own eyes why she’s such a tit…