X Factor Winner: The Painful Truth Behind My Tears

X Factor winner Alexandra Burke burst into tears when it was announced that she had won the series and a million pound recording contract. The songstress broke down and could barely compose herself due to tears of victorious joy. Whilst audiences celebrated, poor Alexandra was betraying the viewers and footballers wife Cheryl Cole with her sobbing. She was secretly weeping tears of devastation as Alex had received news seconds before the show that had ruined all of her plans for the future and potentially ruined her life.

 

Poor Alexandra performed to an “international standard” on Saturday nights show when she sang a powerful duet with Beyonce, an international singer from America. Alex received the crippling news only thirty seconds before she was due on stage to be crowned winner. A brave pal had made the call and sensitively delivered the news. “When I told Alex, she screamed, she was furious. I wish it had been someone else who had delivered the news. I felt like I had ruined her dream. It’s not something I’m going to forget in a hurry.”

 

 

The pal continued “I knew the news hadn’t had time to sink in. When they’d announced that she had won I could see that although she was pleased she’d won one million, she was absolutely livid that she hadn’t won seventeen more.” Poor Alexandra, who lives in a caravan and shares a bed with her four grandparents, had entered the National Lottery on Saturday and believed that she stood a very good chance of winning the 17 Million jackpot. “She left me with a pen and a pay as you go and told me to ring her as soon as I got the numbers. I knew she hadn’t won because she told me her numbers were 1,2,3,4,5 and 6. She didn’t have a cat’s chance in hell.” The pal scoffed.

 

See how upset Alexandra was over her Lottery loss…

 

 

Beyonce’s Secret Baby Boy: Video Exclusive

The true meaning behind Beyonce’s smash hit Baby Boy has been revealed exclusively by a chum who’s mum used to do Beyonce’s mums hair.

The Crazy in Love beauty has been secretly hiding her own baby boy from the glaring eye of the media for 3 years. The Chum’s mum says “Everyone’s favourite Dreamgirl fooled everyone with this baby. In the early days she used to carry him around in a dog carrier or just keep him in a bag but then he developed a growth disorder like Robin Williams did in that film Jack. On his second birthday he looked about 13 and now he is 3 he looks 30. It’s very sad” she laughed.

To keep her Destiny’s Child away from the intrusive eye of the media, Beyonce has had a horsebox converted into a playroom for her baby boy. She sometimes pops in to see him but because of his growth disorder Beyonce believes he can look after himself so she just posts a pizza through his specially modified letterbox every couple of days.

Beyonce’s secret is out and we can exclusively reveal footage of her baby boy practicing Mommy’s dance routines. 

 He may not have his Mommy’s looks but he’s sure got her moves.

Courtney Love Overdose Fears

 

Concerned Courtney Love fans last night held vigil outside her Malibu beach house after concerns were raised regarding the rock widows health. Rumours of a suspected overdose had worked their way to the California coast leaving hundreds of fans in turmoil.

 

SADNESS

 

There were tears of sadness as crazed fans occupied themselves by singing Hole songs, writing poetry and building sandcastles in the shape of their idol. Phil, 36 left work early to join his fellow fans, he told us. “There is nothing more important than Courtney, I ran out of my work and broke the speed limit to get here to comfort fellow Courtney Lovers. I even hit a child and didn’t stop. That’s how much she means to me.”

 

HARM

 

The musician and actresses fans are incredibly devoted and socialize within the community that they have created in her honour. Tara, 17 from Santa Monica left home at 16 and now resides beneath a sheet of corrugated iron adjacent to Courtney’s home. “The move wasn’t intentional” she laughed, “I went to an emo concert one night and got self harmed beyond recognition and when I got home Mom wouldn’t let me back in the house because she didn’t believe I was me. I can laugh about it now.” She wept.

 

DANGER

 

The fears for Courtney’s health came to light when the star was spotted in an exclusive Hollywood supermarket. The cashier was shocked when he saw the contents of the American Sweethearts trolley. “It was full to the brim with bananas, tonnes of them. I warned her of the dangers of over consumption but she seemed incredibly focused for a female.” He said.

 

DEATH

 

Word spreads quickly on the Hollywood grapevine and medical experts were inundating Courtney with warnings and advice on the matter. Doctor Howzer, 14 released a statement to the worlds press in the hope that it would reach Courtney before it was too late. “Bananas can be incredibly dangerous when in the wrong hands.” He continued “”The normal level of potassium in the bloodstream is in the range of 3.5-5.0 mm, while levels of 6.3-8.0 mm (severe hyperkalemia) result in cardiac arrhythmias or even death due to cardiac arrest. Potassium is potentially quite toxic. However toxicity or death due to potassium poisoning is usually prevented because of the vomiting reflex. There is speculation as to whether Courtney has one of these as she has never spoken of it. The consumption of food results in mild increases in the concentration of potassium in the bloodstream, but levels of potassium do not become toxic because of the uptake of potassium by various cells of the body, as well as by the action of the kidneys transferring the potassium ions from the blood to the urine. The body’s regulatory mechanisms can easily be overwhelmed, however, when potassium chloride is injected intravenously, as high doses of injected potassium can easily result in death. Courtney’s fate depends entirely on how she consumes the bananas.”

 

Emergency services were on standby at the time of going to press.

Kate Moss: The Shocking Truth Behind My Beauty

 

 

Kate Moss has been the face & body of Calvin Klein, Versace, Burberry, and the envy of millions of women all over the world, mostly the envy of women in the third world who don’t have access to water or food, but some vacuous women in the western world envy her because she has nice clothes and is very thin.

 

DRUG ADDICT

 

For years Moss, who regularly dates drug addicts, has been at the top of her game and has become one of the most famous faces in the world. In 2008’s famous face poll Kate Moss went down 2 places to number 5 but was not disheartened, Kate was glad to slide down the poll to make way for her two close showbiz chums Karen Matthews and Myra Hindley.

 

AIDS

 

Kate, who is a supporter of AIDS charities, is one of the most photographed women in the world. She is often seen but very rarely heard. All that is due to change next year as Kate is set to release a series of talking books that expose the secret truth behind her beauty. The tapes have been recorded and are being guarded by top security experts at the Tower of London. However one of Kate’s close and most trusted pals has decided to spill the beans for a few pounds “Kate has got worms.” She said.

Britney Spears in Prison

 

The Toxic star is currently touring prisons and reform schools in a bid to rid the world of crime with the power of her pop hits. Nashville, Tennessee Penitentiary was Britney’s first stop where the yummy mummy managed to reduce some of the world’s most brutal serial killers to tears with a tender rendition of (You Drive Me) Crazy.

 

PAEDOPHILE

 

An incarcerated paedophile in Vermont quipped, “If I’d have had access to Britney’s music ten years ago I doubt I would have committed such unspeakable crimes.” Britney’s aim is to get every prisoner in the world to buy her new album. For every 1000 copies bought a prisoner will be released back into society and has a chance of starring in one of Britney’s videos.

 

RAPE

 

Britney got a big surprise when she arrives at New York State Penitentiary. The prisoners had been working hard for the past six months learning the dance routine to Britney’s breakthrough hit Baby, One More Time. In full schoolgirl regalia, the convicts danced like they were free to an ecstatic Britney who was also delighted to learn that mindless violence in the prison had reduced, since rehearsing began, by 89%. However, the compulsive schoolgirl uniform was said to have been responsible for the 99% increase in prison sodomy. Britney was thrilled with the statistics as it gave her the opportunity to shout her favourite slogan of all time. ‘Make Love Not War’

 

The above was based on a statement given by Ron Marceau, serial killer and prison Hairdresser, NYC penitentiary. Ron likes reading, walking around in circles, lifting weights, hearing voices and Britney Spears.

Cheryl: My Secret Drugs Hell

Girls Aloud star Cheryl Cole revealed all last night about her secret drugs hell. A pal informed us, “You just wouldn’t expect the X-Factor beauty to fall into this repugnant lifestyle.” The Pal confirmed that Cheryl’s turmoil began one night as she settled down to watch I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. “She’d heard that there were some footballer’s wives on it and she wanted to weigh up the competition. She searched everywhere but couldn’t find her glasses, so through squinted eyes she sat for an hour and a half, staring at the huge plasma screen in her home cinema.”

 

SEX

 

“After the programme Cheryl went to bed and slept with her husband who is a footballer. She tenderly whispered the lyrics to some of Girls Aloud’s greatest hits into his cauliflower ear while they made love the celebrity way. It was around this time that Cheryl began to realise her craving for drugs. When Cheryl watches telly without her glasses she develops a monstrous headache. Cheryl is always desperate for sex so she endured the pain until the footballer fell asleep. It was then that her need for drugs took over.”

 

DRUGS

 

The Love Machine star crept out of the bedroom and began searching her luxury mansion for a cocktail of drugs. The cabinet in the bathroom was empty so she frantically ran downstairs and wrecked the parlour, the ladies chamber and the kitchen but could find no paracetamol or ibuprofen anywhere. She could’ve driven to the 24 hour petrol station but she’d had a splash of wine in her beef casserole and was petrified of being over the limit. Cheryl then telephoned all the other members of Girls Aloud and begged them to bring her drugs but they were busy living the showbiz lifestyle at a party with members of Blue. Furious Cheryl, according to our source, branded them “Selfish Bitches”. “She branded them Selfish Bitches.” She said.

 

HEROIN

 

Cheryl, who is a heroine to loads of girls who want to marry a footballer, be in a successful girl band, judge the X-Factor and perfect the balance between being feminine and a Geordie, vowed then to always have painkillers in the house. But unfortunately when the pain disappeared, Cheryl’s descent into drugs hell failed to cease. A Pal conformed “Cheryl only goes to the shop twice a year because of showbiz, so she has to buy everything tinned and in bulk.”

 

SUICIDE

 

An embarrassed Cheryl was stopped at the counter in Tesco and questioned after alarm bells rang when the Popstar winner attempted to purchase more than 2 packets of painkillers. “She had 30 boxes of Paracetamol and 30 boxes of ibuprofen and was immediately restrained by Tesco staff and dragged into the Stockroom where she underwent several torturous hours of by the store’s Suicide Expert.

CIGARETTES

 

Cheryl, who doesn’t smoke cigarettes because it’s bad for her health and she doesn’t like the taste, confessed everything to Tesco staff. The Store’s Suicide Expert / Trolley Collector admitted “She was really nice. After we’d strip searched her and beaten the truth out of her, we all decided to put on a show for her to judge and she said she really liked it. It was just like being on the X-Factor. Jane,47, who works on produce commented “She was really down to earth. When I told her about my grandson in the third world who was born with a cleft pallet, she didn’t hesitate to write me a cheque for over a million pounds.”

 

HELL

 

It was a day from Hell for poor Cole nee Tweedy. A Pal told us “She was supposed to be throwing a lavish party for the cast of Hollyoaks and was planning on making her famous football shaped quiche but there wasn’t enough time so she had to buy a pre-cooked one instead.” The Tesco staff, involved in Cheryl’s drug hell were so inspired by Cheryl that they have decided to make a record in a bid for the Christmas number one slot.

Exclusive Kylie Sex Tape

 

Celebrities love nothing more than, opening a shopping centre, enjoying a glass of champagne and indulging in a few hours of passionate sex. But sex with a celebrity is not complete without the celebrity sex tape.

 

Kylie Minogue may be small but she has the sexual appetite of a monster. A source informs us: “Kylie carries her Sex Tape everywhere she goes just in case she comes across that special someone. It’s a Maxell 60 tape. Sixty Minutes of sexy tunes spread out along that brown shiny tape and encased in erotic transparent packaging, see-through is Kylie’s favourite colour. It has sticky white paper on it with ‘Kylie’s Sex Tape’ scrawled all over in the handwriting of someone who has just had the most passionate sex of their life.’ The source continues…

 

On a night like This Kylie’s Got to Be Certain that she can play the tape at the most impromptu moments so she always carries in her handbag a walkman and a pair of hot, round, firm, pink speakers which she can plug in as she gets a plug in. Kylie likes to take it Slow and teases her sex partner by gently rubbing her finger around the play button. As she pulls her lover close to her and takes his tongue in her antipodean vocal hole she tells him ‘This is Especially for You’ presses her finger down on play – real hard and Wow!. The first track on the tape is Roger Whitaker’s unique version of Wind Beneath my wings and it’s Love at First Sight. The whistling and emotional turmoil sends Kylie into a sexual frenzy and she tests her lover by slapping him and spitting in his face. It’s In Your Eyes she tells him. She repeats this throughout the track and then calms the situation by following with some Simply Red as her lovers cheek is a glowing crimson. Kylie loves her men to be meaty but a bit Slow so she plays them Simple Minds to bring the point home as their Two Hearts meet. After a few minutes of sexually Spinning Around Kylie likes her session to reach a spiritual level so the next track is We Are The World by USA for Africa. Her lover is in a hurry, Give Me Just a Little More Time she tells him as Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together blasts out of the tight Speakerphone. The frogs sweet chorus is a cause for Celebration as Kylie indulges in role reversal and demands to her partner ‘Put Yourself in My Place’. This Red Blooded Woman could go all night but she’s got to perform at an expensive gig in Saudi Arabia. Come Into My World she commands and then goes mad shouting ‘There’s Tears on My Pillow’ which she simply cannot abide. He asks her why ‘Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi’ Responds the X neighbours star. After mopping up Kylie is normally full of regret ‘Did it Again’ she says to herself as she storms out of the room. ‘Please Stay’ asks her lover ‘I Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ He shouts as the door slams ‘What Do I Have to Do?’ He Cries and although Kylie’s exit was rather rude he admits ‘I Wouldn’t Change A Thing’. Meanwhile Kylie has packed the Sex Tape back into her handbag and runs to catch a Locomotion to that expensive gig in Dubai, the source tells us.

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