Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle stunned fans today when she unveiled her controversial new image. Boyle shunned the advice of stylists who tried to persuade her to go with a kooky Lady Gaga style and instead opted for the image of her favourite pinup G**y G*****r (whose name cannot be entered into any computer in full, as it leads to your computer being confiscated and given a thorough investigation). Susan Boyle’s hairdresser offered us a full explanation for her shocking transformation.

‘Susan is from a sleepy village and news travels slow here. In our village G**y G*****r has only just reached the top of the hit parade with his pop song ‘*’* *** ******!’ Susan loves him so much and I didn’t want to break her heart with the shocking truth. I estimated that she should find out in approximately 12 years by which time his career will have lapsed and she will be fantasising about Eddie the Eagle Edwards which I hope will soften the blow and no, I didn’t bat an eyelid when she asked for a quiff. It’s my most popular ‘do.”

Boyle is currently visiting young offender’s institutes in an attempt to decrease crime levels with a terrifying kiss-chase.

Details have emerged as to how the affair began. A Pal said “We were all enjoying a night out at a top celebrity nightspot in the UK’s showbiz capital (London) when in walked this tall blonde creature wearing a rubber contraption fashioned into knickers and a pair of sunglasses. I was sat with Jeannette and Ian Krankie, showing them some paraphernalia from my summer season in Scunthorpe and I noticed her looking over at Ian. She then raised her sun specs and wiggled her eyebrows at him in a sexually suggestive manner. Jeannette, at this point was busy chatting to Suggs from Madness about when she fell off that beanstalk and broke her spine into a million tiny pieces.”

 It would appear Ian was immediately gooey for gaga and her rubber knickers. “Ian told me to distract Jeannette for a few minutes so he could go and chat to the American singing superstar so I threw my drink in her face. She was distracted for about half an hour because it was a cup of tea so she had to have a cold flannel applied so the scald didn’t scar.” But poor Jeannette aka wee Jimmy Krankie was stunned when she peeled back the flannel and saw Ian flat on his back on the dance floor with Lady Gaga performing a seductive routine on top of him whilst Ian sucked the heel of one of her shoes. “We’re just not used to that kind of behaviour in this country” said the club’s manager, “Cilla Black walked in, saw what was going on and collapsed.” A spokesman for Cilla said that her collapse was due to what she saw on the dance-floor and a reaction to a flu jab she had earlier that day.

Understandably Jeannette went crazy demanding that Ian stand up and put his shirt back on immediately. When Ian refused Jeannette launched herself at Lady Gaga who outstretched her arm and grabbed Jeannette by the head allowing the small comedy star to throw futile punches at the air before being dragged off by security. Jeannette screamed as she was led out of the showbiz hot-spot “Her song Poker Face is a load of old shite but if I ever see that adulterous bitch again I’ll do more than poke her face. I’ll rip her f*****g eyes out.” Lady Gaga was unavailable to comment on the incident but was spotted enjoying a romantic bar meal with Ian Krankie the following day. A devastated Jeannette wept “I dedicated forty years of my life to that man and I am upset because we’d just got a job on P&O ferries. But she’s welcome to him.” She sobbed. “Besides,” she continued “I’ll be interested to see how long it takes for him to convince Lady bloody Gaga to dress up as a ten year old schoolboy.”

Gaga is being measured up for her uniform as this goes to print.

“I can’t believe it,” wept Judy. “She was only sucking on a bong. I’ve sucked worse, especially in my youth, but my parents didn’t get threatened with an inhumane death penalty. Mind you, they’d kill me themselves if they found out the nature of the things I’d had in my mouth because they’re both very racist.”

A spokesman from Amnesty International released the following statement. “Amnesty International is against such means of savage brutality but on this occasion have decided to turn a blind eye as we had a show of hands in the office this morning and everyone agreed that the couple should be axed.”

Richard has yet to comment on the issue but pals say he’s taking it in his stride. “Oh, you know Richard. He’s totally relaxed and cool about it.”

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown was last night asked to do all he can to protect the dynamic duo from such a vicious termination and he released the following statement, “No”.

Below: Remind yourself of Richard and Judy’s finest moment. When Judy exposed herself on live television and as a result found herself in the evil clutches of TV’s Mr Nasty, John Leslie who couldn’t resist running onto stage for a closer look and a smell of Judy’s hair.

Unfortunately, this 2 year old Lily Allen fan is easily influenced…

Chris Brown & Rihanna, were last week’s golden couple. This week one of them is black and blue. What a difference a fist can make to a relationship…

Rumours are rife that Chris’s chequered past is to blame for his unpredictable outbursts. We were discreetly contacted by the singer’s former employees who exclusively revealed that a woman isn’t the only thing that he has battered.

“Chris used to work with us during the summer holidays. He was a hard worker and a real hit with the ladies. He had his responsibilities and he carried them out to his highest abilities but one day I turned my back for one second and he just went crazy.”

The Job was at Fannies Fish Shop in Scarborough where Chris worked as part of an exchange scheme with a chip shop worker who in turn flew to America to sing. The exchange only lasted six weeks by which time Chris’s former boss was pleased to get rid. She explained, “His job was to serve the fish and chips, wrap, bag and take the cash but I turned round to get a punter some mushy peas and Chris had physically battered a fish, two jumbo sausages and his hands were tightly gripping my Mars Bar, he was ripping the wrapper off and was just about to batter it when I caught him. I was livid beyond recognition because we don’t batter Mars Bars. I was saving it because I’m diabetic.”

Seriously: If  you or anyone you know has been affected by a complete idiot like Chris Brown please get help click here for useful help and information.

Miley Cyrus, who is best known for playing schizophrenic teen queen Hannah Montana is today at the centre of a controversial race row.

In a moment of unbridled craziness Miley shockingly bet her Asian friend Wan Cok Suq her fifty million dollar fortune that she would be able to get to the Five and Dime store before her. The pair shook hands and Miley shot ahead, disappearing into the distance and leaving Wan Cok alone and struggling. Unfortunately, for Wan Cok, she was born with one badly misshapen leg which affected her ability to run but nothing could stop the Asian chum from trying her best and hobbling.

Miley, who was in the lead by yards, was so sure of her victory that she decided to take a quiet nap beneath a picturesque tree. Wan Coq couldn’t believe her luck as she agonizingly hobbled toward the tree and saw her opponent deep in slumber. Wan Coq momentarily muted her bloodcurdling screams of torturous pain, so that she wouldn’t disturb the sleeping singer. Two hours later, a delirious Wan Coq was overcome with joy when she realised that she’d pipped the pop princess to the post. To celebrate her winnings Wan Coq bought the Five and Dime store and turned it into a castle of dreams where she now lives.

Miley is yet to comment on her loss because she’s too angry and she is also in huge trouble with the Chief Executive of the OCA. ““Not only has Miley Cyrus encouraged and legitimised the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans. If she’s going to give her fifty million dollar fortune to an Asian, at least give it to one with legs that work properly. We hope that Miley Cyrus will apologise to her fans and the APA community for this lapse in judgment and takes the opportunity to better understand why the gesture is offensive.” Wan Coq was shocked at the reaction of the Chief Executive and issued her own statement. “Those c***s are just jealous of my furs and my diamonds and my grills. Slow and steady wins the race Bitches.” She screamed. It is fair to say that money has changed the once timid Asian.

click here to watch Verne Troyer’s sex tape in full glorious technicolour.

Singing lesbian Katy Perry is in hot water with parents all over the world after releasing the follow up single to her lesbian rant I Kissed a Girl. Her new single Hot and Cold has outraged parents as they believe the lyrics will encourage youngsters to experiment with taps.

“After my 3 year old daughter accidentally heard I Kissed a Girl on the radio I caught her with her tongue down her Cabbage Patch doll’s throat. God knows what she’ll do if she ever hears the lesbian’s new song. I’ll probably find her floating face down in the bath,” whispered a disgruntled Mum.

Parents are also concerned that their children may be scolded from messing about with a hot tap. “It’s all very well encouraging this kind of behaviour when you don’t have children but we’ve had to splash out on new locks for the bathroom door to stop our kids going in unattended. Is Katy going to compensate the cost? I’m sending my receipt to her record company and I suggest other parents do the same,” screamed an angry father.

Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth also slammed the singer by claiming that she is encouraging wasting water. A spokesman for Greenpeace said “She sings of hot and cold loads of time in the song but doesn’t mention a plug once. So we can only imagine that the millions of people that will be influenced by the song will be flushing it down the plughole without a care.” Friends of the Earth added. “The world only has ten years worth of water left. This woman’s song is potentially lethal to the environment.”

Child protection agencies worldwide have spoken out against the song. “The woman is an idiot egging on children to play with taps.” said a spokesman. “She’s definitely encouraging accidental death.”

Singing lesbian Katy Perry shocked the world with her hit single I Kissed a Girl because it was about how much she likes kissing girls. Katy is a one time Christian singer and her moral U-turn has created pandemonium amongst narrow minded American religious fanatics.

When the lesbian got to number one in the charts, crazed religious lunatics got whipped up into a frenzy so violent that they set fire to their own places of worship whilst still in them. Churches all over narrow minded America rapidly disappeared in protest against the lesbian anthem. “It’s okay, singing songs about kissing girls if you are a man but the first time I heard the lyrics to this song I sicked up my beef jerky and smashed my radio to bits with my fist,” said a lovely church goer. Following the mass destruction of America’s churches Katy Perry stunned the American public by announcing, “I’m not a lesbian really, they’re gross.”

A savagely burnt religious fanatic wept, “What the hell are we going to do now? Our churches are gone and our bibles are burnt to smithereens.” Katy apologised for all of the damage I Kissed a Girl had done to America, “Sorry” she said.

The riled religious freaks forgave Katy instantly and began working on their churches once more. “It’s really brought people together,” said an old anti-smoking pastor who was wearing a God Hates Fags t-shirt, “We would like to thank Katy Perry for pretending to be a lesbian because our outrage sparked a rebirth in our religious sensibilities and the building work has really brought together the communities. Our new churches are coming on nicely,” he winked.

Katy, who watched the churches being rebuilt with great interest held a press conference today. “I am a lesbian really,” she announced. “Ha! Ha!” she added.

Happy Christmas from Lisa Scott (&) Leigh

Lisa Scott Lee may have a failed pop career behind her and lost every reality television competition she’s competed in but the former Steps beauty has finally struck gold following the launch of her new perfume Deficiency!

Lisa launched the perfume in the branch of the Perfume Shop where she has a Saturday job. “It was literally flying off the shelves,” she smiled. Lisa has always been great at Chemistry and brewed up the smell using an old chemistry set that she found in her loft. Lisa is remaining tight lipped over the ingredients. “If I told you I’d have to kill you,” she snarled.

Lisa is thrilled with the success of the perfume and hopes to launch her own beauty range in the new-year. Deficiency! can be bought from the Perfume Shop in the Metro Centre, Newcastle or click here to buy a bottle.

UPDATE

Former Steps beauty Lisa Scott Lee suffered a great Tragedy today when her perfume Deficiency! was withdrawn from the shelves. The 369 people who have bought the product have been hospitalised with severe burns and now stand to be seriously disfigured for the rest of their lives. Mum of four, Jackqueueie, 20 unfortunately lost half of her face and is anxiously awaiting an operation to transfer excess skin from her thighs. “It’s devastating” She told us. “It’ll ruin Christmas. Thankfully I wasn’t very pretty in the first place so it could be worse. I just want my kids to stop screaming when they see me,” she chuckled. Deborah, 48 luckily only sprayed it onto her wrist but as a result lost a hand. “Yes, I’m upset but you’d be amazed what they can do with prosthetics nowadays,” she quipped.

The bad news doesn’t end there at the last count 4759 people have had a serious allergic reaction to the perfume and died after so much as a whiff. The fatalities are increasing rapidly as the corpses are excreting a deadly mucus that can kill anyone and everyone within a 2 mile radius. Lisa is still optimistic about her career, as she was dragged from her home by armed police she told us “It’s better to have tried and failed than not tried at all.”

NEWS JUST IN

Lucky Lisa Scott Lee was released without charge today as news emerged that the fatalities, as mentioned in the previous update, have made a full recovery and are now completely alive. There are however health concerns regarding the reincarnated as most of them have developed a grey discolouration of the skin and the pupils in their eyes have turned completely white. On a positive note they are all moving but at a very slow physical pace. Lisa is delighted at the news. “Being in the cells was just inspiring,” she nudged. “I managed to write some new songs and choreograph some great routines. I also learned how to punch a woman, knock her unconscious & steal her purse. I’m glad to be out because I’ve got a hair appointment.” Lisa will be touring primary schools next year to teach children her new skills. To book Lisa for your school click here.

NEWS JUST IN: UPDATE

Lisa Scott Lee is in back in the cells again tonight following what can only be described as a brutal massacre carried out by the reincarnated victims of Lisa’s toxic Deficiency! perfume. It would seem that the affected have developed a taste for human blood and the ravenous thousands descended towards the nations capital and, following sun down, savagely murdered over 18,000 people by biting their necks or tearing out their heart. An onlooker said “It was awful, there were people running around screaming. Nobody really knew what was going on and then suddenly there was blood everywhere. I managed to run into comet and steal a 50” plasma and nobody could hear the alarm go off because of the screaming. So I was quite pleased really.” He winked. Lisa made an announcement to the press last night. “I am going to write an autobiography because, after all this, I think people might finally be interested in what I’ve got to say.” She sniffed. Following an immediate outpouring of negativity from all publishing houses, Lisa changed her mind. “I’ll just write a song about it then” she huffed. At this point MTV bosses stepped in and reminded her she was banned from releasing any music. “I’ll do a dance about it then… on ice or something.” She concluded.

Duracell ain’t got nothin’ on this bitch. Watch her with 10,000 volts through her head, or so she claims. Download the single NOW. Who cares if she’s responsible for all that death. It’s christmas, give Scott-Lee a chance.