Ben Adams loses Big Brother but wins modelling contract

Celebrity Big Brother’s boy-band bonny boy Ben is determined to prove that he is no more than just a pretty face. The BB loser has signed an exclusive modelling contract with high street fashion chain Topman. A delighted Ben told us, “I’m delighted. I’ve always wanted to prove that I am just a pretty face and this is the perfect way for me to showcase that quality.”

 

Ben will begin his modelling contract this spring. Topman’s top man told us. “Ben will be standing in our Oxford Street window for the first six months of his contract. We normally use mannequins but they’ve put the prices up and we can’t afford them. We’ve been searching for models for months and then we saw Ben in Big Brother and he fitted the bill perfectly.” Ben will be dressed in the season’s most fashionable clothes by a window dresser, positioned and forced to stand still so he doesn’t distract customers.

 

Ben’s initial concern was that he would starve to death but Topman have a plan to ensure he will survive. “Ben will be fed Yoplait through an intravenous drip three times a day and will have a catheter fitted so he has no excuse to move.” According to his contract, if Ben moves at all throughout the six month period he will not get paid. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he told us. “I just want to prove once and for all that there are absolutely no brains behind my beauty.”

Lisa Scott-Lee threatens to quit showbiz

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Poor Lisa Scott-Lee is threatening to turn her back on fame unless the paparazzi pay her more attention. “It’s so annoying,” she said. “If I’m signing an autograph for a disabled or overweight fan I need to be photographed doing it. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

 

Busty Lisa sunbathed topless on holiday last year and waited so long for the paparazzi to turn up that she ended up suffering from a violent case of Tanners Nipple™. “It was dark by the time they got there and my nips were burnt to a crisp,” she said, but scabby Lisa wasn’t the only one to suffer that day. “I thought it would only take five minutes to get snapped so I left my dog in the car with the windows up and the poor thing was dead by the time I got back. The paparazzi just don’t realise what they’re doing to us famous folk,” she lisped.

 

Lisa has definitely noticed a change in the pap’s since the height of her fame in Steps. She told us, “Once, I went to a celebrity Gala or it could’ve been Gala Bingo and when I got out of the taxi I had a flap hanging out and they were in there like a flash. Honestly, they were like flies on shit.”

 

Lisa Plans to headline a campaign for tighter restrictions on how the paparazzi operate. “They’ve already killed Diana and they’re not killing me,” She screamed. Funnily enough Lisa didn’t mean Queen of Hearts Princess Diana. “Oh no,” she said. “The Queen killed her. No, I meant my dog Diana who died in the car whilst I burnt my tits.”

 

Posh’s L.A Wardrobe Secrets

 

Former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham was spotted this week driving through Los Angeles in an SUV with the windows down. An onlooker got the surprise of his life when she pulled up next to him at some traffic lights. “She frightened me to death,” He said. “She honked her horn and shouted “Girl Power” at the top of her voice, ran the red light and sped off into the distance with glitter flying from her exhaust pipe. I’m 94 years old the silly bitch could’ve killed me,” he wept.

 

Victoria, known to chums as Posh, has launched her own range of jeans which she is incredibly proud of. “They’re just jeans. There’s nothing special about them. I just sign a bit of paper and some cute little foreign kids cut them out from a pattern and sew them together. Hey presto, I make millions of pounds and all I have to do is get photographed looking miserable.”

 

Since making the move to Los Angeles, Victoria has made the pages of every fashion magazine and her wardrobe has become the talk of Tinseltown. “Christ knows why,” she said. “It was only a flat pack we bought from MFI.”

Friends: The Movie. EXCLUSIVE

Following in the footsteps of the big screen success of Sex and the City, it was today confirmed that a Friends movie is in the early stages of production.

 

“The script is coming along nicely” says screenwriter Mick, whose previous scripts have yet to be purchased. “I think this one will sell because it’s about Friends”. But fans are in for a big shock as Mick has already killed off two of the main characters. Phoebe dies in the first scene. “I never liked Phoebe so I killed her straight away. I want an intelligent script and Phoebe was always an idiot so the best thing to do was to get rid of her but in a way that Friends fans will love.”

 

Another character to get the chop is Ross. “His voice got on my nerves and his droopy eyes wind me up. He’s like a sad dog and Friends is supposed to be a comedy for Christ’s sake!” The script rejoins the cast five years after the final episode. Following Phoebe’s murder and Ross’s suicide, the remaining cast members move back into the apartment. Mick has cleverly removed any obstructions that the shows finale introduced. Monica and Chandler became parents in the last episode and left the apartment to move to a family home. So why would they move back to a small apartment?

 

“Oh, that was really easy to write,” Said Mick. “Friends fans love the apartment, so I wrote into the storyline that they had their baby taken off them by social services after leaving it in a hot car with the windows up. Also, I’ve always hated Chandler so I gave him throat cancer and he has lost his voice forever. He will still be in the film but he won’t be saying anything. He will still be funny though because there is a scene where he drinks some coke and it squirts out of the hole in his neck and goes all over Rachel’s dress and she goes mad.”

 

Rachel is Mick’s favourite character. So what’s in store for her? “I love Rachel,” smiles Mick. “But I’ve had to let her character grow up. She’s not as ditzy as she was in the show. She’s more confident with her body and has matured sexually, so there are quite a few sex scenes, two shower scenes, one bath scene, one where you see her getting undressed, one where you see her getting dressed, a scene in a spa where she has a full body massage, one in a hospital where she has a bed bath and she has a new job as a lifeguard so you get to see her in a bikini too and a naughty nurse outfit when she goes to a fancy dress party.”

 

With her best friend and brother dead and her husband mute, what’s in store for Monica? “Not much.” Coughs Mick. “She’s depressed so she just does a lot of cleaning.” Finally, we ask Mick about the shows semi successful spin-off character Joey. “Oh!” says Mick. “I completely forgot about him. Damn it to Hell! I’ll have to start again.”

 

The release date for the Friends movie is yet to be confirmed.

Lisa Scott Lee Acts & Releases New Album

Former Steps beauty Lisa Scott-Lee vowed never to make any more music after failing a mission set by MTV for the show Totally Scott-Lee. Determined Lisa has worked hard to remain in the public eye and now has a successful career in television after failing to win Dancing on Ice and Celeb Air, Lisa has gained the lead in a brand new advert for JML where she will play a lady who suffers badly with hard skin and then she will shave it off with JML’s new Hard Skin Grater.

 

But that’s not all. Lisa has today announced that she will be launching a new album next month. “I’m banned from releasing music so instead I am thrilled to announce that I will be releasing a brand new photo album on Facebook. It’s a series of images from girlie nights out and it follows on from last month’s album Randoms!, and this month’s More Randoms! They both went down a treat with my fans so I think I might call this one Randomness or something really funny and original because that’s what I’m like. I’m a right mad twat.”

 

Unfortunately, Lisa will not be starring in panto this year as she has not been offered a role. However, her fans will be able to see her at the Perfume Shop in Newcastle’s Metro Centre every Saturday between 9am to 5pm. Lisa urges fans not to mob her until she has finished her shift as she doesn’t want to get the sack. 

 

Here’s the song that ruined Lisa’s life because it didn’t go top ten. The lyrics are hilarious. Help Lisa get her job back. Download it today!

Wishing you all an Abi Titmuss

Famous Celebrity Abi Titmuss is making a bid for the number one slot this Christmas when she releases a charity single. Abi, who’s number one slot is available for all to see on the internet, has decided to donate all of the proceeds to blind children.

 

Abi has been working hard for the past six months learning how to read and write in Braille. Abi held a press conference today where she told us “I decided to make this record unique from all other Christmas records by writing it in Braille so the lyrics will mean more to the blind children.” The song Have a Very Abi Titmuss, is due for release on Monday. Abi’s charity work doesn’t stop there, she told us. “I have learnt how to read in Braille and I will be touring the country next year reading stories to blind children.” Asked what makes blind children so special to her. Abi, dressed only in knickers and a saucy bra replied “I like them because they are the only people that don’t judge me on my appearance. Most people think I’m all tits and no brain because they judge me on my dress sense. When people find out I’ve been learning Braille to read to blind children, I think they’ll change their minds.”

 

Abi is set to go head to head with another famous busty blonde when former Coronation Street barmaid Bet Lynch releases her Christmas single Have a Julie Goodyear on the same day. The proceeds of Julie’s sales will go towards damp proofing her flat.

EXCLUSIVE: Girls Aloud Design Bags For Fans

 

Following the success of their recent single, The Promise, Girls Aloud have announced that they are launching their own range of scented bin liners. Each girl will have their own signature smell and their picture on the bag. Sarah came up with the idea. “My bin at home always stinks and I was having a chat with Nicola about it and she said that her bin stank an’ all. So we decided to use our fame and popularity to do something about it once and for all. Girls Aloud forever! Woooh!” She yelped.

 

Fellow band member Kimberley, from the North, is thrilled about the project, she said, “My Dad is a dustman so he’s really excited at the thought of throwing a pleasant smelling bag, with a picture of my face on it, into the back of his dust cart.” Kimberley, from the North, also believes Councils should get in on the act and make scented bags compulsory. “Sometimes,” She quipped “We would be sat eating our tea and me Dad would come home from work stinking of rotten eggs and menstruation. He’d have a wash but he could never get the smell off his fingers, no matter how hard he scrubbed.” She wept. “Girls Aloud wooh!” She continued.

 

Girls Aloud will launch the product on their new tour when ticket-holders will be presented with a bag featuring their favourite member and will be forced to pick up their own rubbish after the show. The bags are still in the production stage says Cheryl, “We’ve not decided on the smells yet. I’d quite like mine to smell of prit-stik but I don’t know what kind of message that sends to kids who are thinking about sniffing glue. I don’t want to encourage it, because it’s terrible for your skin.” She laughed. “Girls Aloud forever wooh!’ she concluded.

BBC Complaints: Balls Revealed On Live TV

 

Over 600,000 complaints have been logged against the BBC in view of this Saturday’s Lottery programme. Viewers are demanding to know the winning numbers before they are revealed exclusively on Saturday’s show.

 

One disgruntled viewer moaned “We pay our license fee. We have the right to know.” Another viewer said “It’s ridiculous. They tell us the numbers after we’ve bought the tickets. What are we supposed to do, guess?’

 

The BBC laughed off the complaints and called our reporter a “stupid idiot” which sparked a separate complaint already totalling 30,000. Within the 30,000 there was said to be a racially motivated incident so a subgroup was launched and this now has over 65,000 complaints logged. Unfortunately, the last count was accidentally left on a train by an incompetent BBC employee. Therefore, another complaint has been registered with complainers totalling over 6 million.

Mariah’s Chart Battle

Mariah Carey and Westife will go head to head this week in the most controversial chart battle ever. Both will be releasing the same cover version on the same day and, throughout the week, fight out the battle for the number one spot.

Asked on how they were going to win the fight, Westlife’s Shane said “I’m going to punch her in the throat. Kevin is going to wind her. The blonde one is going to kick her and the gay one is going to give her a good old bitch slap.”

Mariah, who was blessed with her beautiful voice after accidentally banging her front bum on a table corner, is rumoured to be taking advantage of America’s relaxed firearms policy. We will find out who wins the battle when it’s announced on Hospital Radio this Sunday.

Kym Marsh: My Baby Joy

 

Coronation Streets sexy barmaid Kym Marsh has announced today that she is expecting a baby. The Soap superstar broke the news by hiring the Red Arrows to fly over Granada studios and spell “Kym” “Pregnant” and “Baby”. Disaster struck as two planes crashed whilst completing a love heart in the sky but nothing could wipe the smile off the ex singers face.

 

Kym, who shot to stardom with the band Hearsay, was over the moon when she found out the news and her co-stars were delighted. An onlooker said “There was champagne and cigars all round. Kym enjoyed three bottles and two cigars despite complaining earlier this week about a cough.”

 

While it’s good news for Kym, It’s bad news for men who don’t want the responsibility of a child. A pal informed us “Kym is unsure who the father is. She believes she got pregnant off a toilet seat. So it could be anyone’s.” Kym 48, is going to have the pregnancy written into her storylines and give birth live on the show. “It’s bound to bring in viewers” says a show’s insider. “Eastenders are planning on featuring a real life knife crime on their Christmas day episode to keep up with the viewer’s demands for realism so it’s a real honour that Kim’s going to open her legs for us.”

 

Continuing the Christmas theme, ITV will broadcast a gender reversal of the Cinderella story when they take to the streets performing DNA tests on randomly selected males in an attempt to locate the father. “Kym would like to marry the father of this child and settle down”. A chum says “She’s had seventeen children and still not found Mr Right.”

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