Madonna Adoption: The Latest

Sex book author Madonna’s emotional tug of war with a Malawian child is set to turn physical next week when she returns to the country to fight for a new kiddie.

 

A Malawian Madonna and adoption expert has given us all the inside gossip. He told us, “Madonna will arrive at the orphanage and chose a child that she wants. She has her photograph taken with the ones she likes and then decides which one is most complimentary and photogenic and then she gets rid of the children that don’t compliment her by using a nail-biting process of elimination.”

 

Madonna already has three attractive children and cannot risk adopting a hideously ugly one as candid paparazzi photographs of her family will be ruined. An orphanage employee told us, “We’ve got millions of disabled kids but Madonna won’t have one of those because they can make a mess of your car and pull unpredictable faces on photographs.”

 

Madonna’s tug of war will begin on Monday morning. Madonna is thought to be pulling on the child’s right arm and Malawian authorities will be pulling on the left. It is widely believed that if any of the arms get broken Madonna is just going to leave it. A spokesperson said “If the child’s arm gets broken during the tug of war Madonna will leave the child in the orphanage because she has a world tour to rehearse for and has no time to stick knitting needles down pots to scratch an itch. To be one of Madonna’s children you have to grow up pretty fast, look after yourself and develop your own skills. When Madonna is your mum the fame comes for free and you don’t have to pay for it… IN SWEAT!.. because it’s free, like I said.”

Michael Jackson advance tickets available now

Fans of Michael Jackson had to literally wipe the excitement off their faces when the “King of Pop” announced his forthcoming dates at the o2 arena. Tickets go on sale next week but we can exclusively reveal that advance tickets are already being sold.

 

Pervert

 

Top venue bosses have decided to sell cloakroom tickets in advance for the advantage of those concert goers who are contemplating taking a coat. Tickets are already selling fast. But is it worth the £1.50 asking price? Cloakroom attendant Lynne Baker thinks so. “I think it’s worth it because if you’ve got a big heavy coat with valuables in the pocket, you don’t want to be leaving it on your seat because the likelihood is, a street urchin or pervert could pinch it and you could end up with nothing. What’s £1.50 when you’ve saved yourself the price of a new coat?”

 

Blouse

 

To buy or not to buy is not the only question as Jacko fans are burdened with another dilemma – should they or, should they not wear a coat. Some fans will be wearing their red military jackets in honour the “King of Poop” but normal people won’t be getting dressed up, they’ll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt or blouse or possibly a jumper depending on the weather which is another factor which will affect the decision fans make when it comes to coat wearing.

 

Moist

We contacted weatherman John Kettley, who is very much still alive, to ask whether coats are likely to be essential garments at the Michael Jackson shows in July. He told us, “I spoke to the Met Office this morning and unfortunately the weather forecasts are unavailable for the ten dates in July. However, if I were to use my reliable prediction skills I would say that for most of the dates there will be mostly a sunny start, but with wintery showers in the Northwest developing widely, becoming locally heavy and squally with hail and thunder and it will feel cold in strong and gusty westerly winds and, it will rain too but it will be that rain that doesn’t look much but gets you really moist. So I would say “yes”, take a coat.”

 

Dangerous

 

Wacko Jacko, not to be confused with Waco Jacko the infamous militant involved in 1993’s Waco Massacre, has always had his share of obsessive and unusual fans. One super-fan Michelle Jackson, 43 has been to every single show Jackson has ever performed at and has first-hand experience of the trauma of being lumbered with an unwanted coat at a concert. “I stupidly took a floor-length pac-a-mac to Michael’s 1992 Dangerous show in Berlin but unfortunately I lost the pack and the mac became a huge burden. I had memorised every single dance routine and prior to the show starting I always liked to entertain the crowds with an impromptu performance. Due to the small space between the seats and the size of my mac, things turned sour when I threw a dramatic and extravagant dance routine into the mix.  I impressed the crowds with my The Way You Make Me Feel routine but during the spin I got so tangled up in my coat that I lost my balance and fell down 36 flights of stairs and broke my neck which left me paralysed from the neck down.” laughed the fan. “It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I get tonnes of benefits which pay for my concert tickets and I get priority seating so I can be right at the front. The last time I saw him, I was so close that when he was singing Dirty Diana I actually got a bit of his spit in my good eye. I couldn’t see for the rest of the concert but it was well worth it. I would say buy your cloakroom tickets but if I’d have bought one I wouldn’t be able to say I’d been temporarily blinded by the “King of Pop”. Not everyone can say that can they?” Unfortunately neither can Michelle as the last paragraph was cleverly translated by Michelle’s mother who deciphers her daughter’s speech by measuring her ear twitches and blinks.

 

Buy your tickets HERE

 

 

 

Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

 

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

 

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

 

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

 

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

 

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

 

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

 

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

 

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.

Sex and the City Sequel: SPOILER ALERT!

Girls who like nothing more than bags and shoes will be absolutely delighted that their favourite show that became a blockbuster movie is now becoming a sequel.

 

Sex and the City was a very popular movie and thrilled millions of ladies who ask for nothing from films apart from bags, shoes and wafer thin plots. Producers are hoping to duplicate the financial success of the original by broadening the appeal of the brand. “We’ve been looking at what’s popular at the box office as we are trying to broaden Sex and the City appeal. At the moment the appeal is limited to culturally ignorant and materialistic women that lack substance, luckily for us there are millions of those out there and they are very eager to splash their cash on Carrie and the girls. They don’t care about the plot because they just want to see some nice frocks and we decided to test the audiences by getting a blind woman to dress Carrie in the original and the women lapped it up. They’re pathetic and rubbish at driving,” laughed one of the producers.

 

Following the recent success of Slumdog Millionaire, it became apparent to the producers that throughout the economic crisis, audiences thrive on seeing severe poverty and depravation. With this in mind Sex and the City 2 will take place in the slums. The characters will fly to India after Miranda falls in love, via the internet, with a call centre worker. When the girls get off the plane their bags are stolen, Miranda is conned out of millions of pounds and the girls have no choice but to live in the slums. Fear not, Sex and the City fans, although the famous city is gone, tonnes of sex is guaranteed as Samantha will sex her way out of the slums and the other girls will follow suit. Producers don’t want to alienate fans of the original so in response to online petitions there will be plenty of shoes and bags, a moral dilemma, heart break, love and a valuable life lesson. The script will also be littered with witty one-liners about fellatio, pubic hair, penis size and discharge. Also included will be a scene in which Carrie gets her heel stuck in some mud and falls over as this will guarantee a hearty laugh from fans of the original.

 

Miley Cyrus will also join the girls. Following the success of her Asian impersonation last month, Miley has been cast as a poor Indian lady whose dream of becoming a shoe designer in New York City becomes a heart-warming and feelgood reality.

Lisa Scott-Lee Follows in Beyonce’s footsteps

Singing Steps sexpot Lisa Scott Lee held a press conference today to announce that she will be following in the footsteps of pop megastars Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez.

 

Lisa, who has failed every reality contest she has taken part in, took to the stage at a top secret primary school in her hometown of Rhyl to make the announcement. Unfortunately, the school hall had been double-booked and Lisa has to share the stage with the tombola for the school fate that was also taking place today. Luckily the hall cleared as soon as Lisa grabbed the microphone and she was able to announce her exciting news to an anxious onlooker.

 

“You may have read in the press over the past few years that stars such as Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez have insured their legs and posterior for millions of dollars. Well, I am so pleased to announce that I am following in their footsteps by not only insuring the contents of my house but I am insuring my car too.”

 

Lisa will be scanning any documents she receives and then placing them in a facebook photo album called “Insurance policies and other random stuff”. Also featured in the album, due to popular demand, is a picture of Lisa with a Shetland pony that was taken by her dad (above).

Amy Winehouse: New health scare

Amy Winehouse received shocking news from the Doctors yesterday that has caused alarm amongst her fans, friends and family. Amy is steadily recovering from the shock of the shocking news and although she looks critical she is in a stable condition.

 

A spokesperson for the Rehab star held a press conference where details of the shocking news emerged and stunned onlookers, some of whom had to be rushed to hospital, via St Johns, after they collapsed from shock.

 

The spokesperson announced “It is my sad duty today, to announce that Amy Winehouse has been warned by Doctors that she will die.” At this point mayhem ensued as the gasps from the crowds brought down a nearby marquee and crushed an elderly lady who looked stable but was left in a critical condition.

 

The spokesperson continued. “She will die if she doesn’t make sure that her cigarettes are put out properly and in a safe place. Amy has been warned that she could suffer from fatal consequences such as dying in a house fire or burning to death in her own bed as she sleeps.”

 

An emergency helpline has been opened for people with very little going on in their lives. All operators are trained to deal with degenerates and the mentally ill.

Lily Allen: My top 5 Fears

To celebrate the success of her marvelous single The Fear (above) Lily Allen has exclusively revealed her personal top five fears.

 

5. “I have always been frightened of murderers because they are really mean people.”

 

Naughty murderers

 

4. “I have a fear of stickers. Once a charity worker for Banardo’s put one on my jacket and I broke her nose with my foot.”

Some stickers yesterday

 

3. “I am very scared of being locked in an old abandoned refrigerator in the middle of an industrial wasteland with nobody nearby within a ten mile radius.”

Beware: an abandoned refridgerator

 

2. “One of my fears is coming home and finding a naked old man crouched down at the foot of my bed and when I ask him to explain what he is doing there he would start speaking in tongues and approaching me slowly with his arms stretched out and then he would start bleeding from the eyes and I would scream for help but no noise would come from my mouth and then the old man would give me a piece of paper telling me who he was and when I open the paper it would say “I am you” and then I would look up and I would see me and then I would look down and realise that I was the naked old man.”

 

Old man last night

 

1. “My main fear is putting my hand in a dogs mouth”

Nasty bitch

 

Thanks Lily.

 

 

Jessica Simpson sheds weight and shares top diet tips

 

Jessica Simpson has been vilified in the US press recently for being too fat. Poor Jessica just wants to get back in the media’s favor. Well, she’s done it. She’s emaciated again. Here Jessica shares some of her successful diet tips.

 

1. “Stop eating altogether guys, it makes you fat and makes the public hate you. I used to eat all the time but now, every time I feel hungry I get my dad to punch me real hard in the stomach. This confuses the digestive system and gets rid of the hunger and leaves you feeling sick.”

 

2. “Make yourself real sick guys, it makes you thin and the public love that. I use a toothbrush and ram it down the back of my throat or drink salt water and it washes you out.”

 

3.  “Overdose on laxatives you guys. It keeps you more than regular. My stomach is totally empty but I still take them because now my body has begun to shed organs that are not vital such as one of my kidneys and all the discs in my back. These don’t make you fat but they do make you weigh more so get rid of them guys.”

 

4.  “Exercise in the sun guys because you sweat loads and sweat is excess weight. I’m so tired…”

 

Thanks for sharing Jessica.

 

Jessica jogging in the hot sun yesterday.

 

 

 

The Hills: Final Season EXCLUSIVE

 

The popular MTV show The Hills is approaching its 8^th season and MTV bosses have confirmed that this will be the last ever series. “They have big plans for the season finale. I think it will shock fans” an insider revealed.

 

The reality soap has a huge following in America and has made huge stars of its cast of “real” vacuous twenty-something’s. There will be a big surprise for all the stars when they find out that producers plan to kill off all of the characters. “To start with they were going to orchestrate a mass suicide. They had a Heavens Gate recruitment team on stand-by but if one fails to commit then there will have to be another season.”  The insider continued, “So now they’re going to tell them all they’re going to Cancun, film them getting over excited, packing their bags, having a laugh and then they’re going to crash the plane into the Hollywood sign and kill everyone on board. There will probably be a sad Coldplay song playing in the background and then we’ll show a montage of how spoilt they were when they were alive, you know so viewers don’t complain.” MTV believe this could bring in their highest viewing figures since Jodie Marsh’s wedding.

 

MTV held auditions last month for the role of Incompetent Pilot. Auditions saw record numbers of desperate actors queuing all the way down Hollywood Boulevard for their chance of making it big. “It’s the role of a lifetime,” said one eager unemployed actor, “It’s going to get the biggest viewing figures ever. I’d be destined for stardom”, he posed. MTV are hoping, along with everyone else in the world, that Peaches Geldof will agree to star in the season finale. “She can sit next to the pilot as far as I’m concerned” a producer spouted. Her Dad, Sir Bob, couldn’t agree more, “She’s a good for nothing jumped up little twat. If only I’d paid as much attention to my own children as I had those Africans.” He giggled.

Michelle Heaton: Bitch in knickers

Lisa Scott-Lee’s ex sister in law Michelle Heaton announced last night that she is launching her own exclusive range of underwear.

 

Michelle has been working hard on the design since unceremoniously leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house. Michelle is very excited about the project. “I’ve been a singer and a television star and I like to dip my finger into different pies. Now I’ve got my fingers in knickers.” She gagged.

 

Michelle will face a lot of competition as the market is full of celebrity endorsed underwear. How will Michelle’s range fare alongside Kathy Staff’s tights and the Heather Mills stocking? “I’ve got my knickers in a twist or should I say there’s a twist to my knickers,” joked the Liberty X star. “I’ve had to look for a gap in the market and there are loads of knickers available for women so it got me thinking who else wears knickers?”

 

Michelle’s underwear will be called the Heat On range and will be designed for dogs on heat. “Dogs can make a hell of a mess when they’re on heat” she wept “I just thought it was about time something was done about it. I’ve got a Labrador and a cream carpet, you do the math.” Poor Michelle’s carpet woes came to a halt when she put a pair of her old knickers on the pup. “Hey presto,” she rejoiced “The mess was all in one spot and my furniture stain free. I felt inspired and thought it was my duty as a celebrity to help people all over the world with this global problem.”

 

Michelle’s Heat On underwear range will be launched next month at Pet World. Lucky bitches all over the country will be able to take their pick from a range of glamorous designs. “Don’t call them that please, I find it really disrespectful towards women.” Begged the ex sister in law of Lisa Scott Lee.

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