Jamie Oliver

 

Jamie Oliver nearly choked on his fat tongue this week when a stray pubic hair made its way onto one of his famous dishes.

 “I coulthn’t beleithe ith” He splurged, “I thlook ith thloo thle thlable anthld thlere ith wath sthlaring me in thle flathe.” Luckily Jamie who is famous for having no sense of humour, being completely narcissistic and having the face that everyone associates with the term ‘window licker’, was only serving the dish to his poor wife.

 Jools Oliver, Jamie’s wife, who is famous for being married to a fat tongued narcissist didn’t even flinch when the plate was put in front of her. “I have to sit looking at Jamie every meal time and because of this I have developed a cast iron gag reflex. A pubic hair is nothing compared to the amount of dribble and spit that ends up on my plate.”

 Jamie famously made school dinners a million times worse by removing favourite foods from the lunchtime menu. A schoolboy recently revealed ‘Now we don’t eat lunch at all because it’s so disgusting so we spend money on drugs instead and because not eating has given us an extra hour we’ve got more time to join gangs, kick pensioners and get the really skinny girls pregnant.”

Susan Boyle’s Controversial Makeover

Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle stunned fans today when she unveiled her controversial new image. Boyle shunned the advice of stylists who tried to persuade her to go with a kooky Lady Gaga style and instead opted for the image of her favourite pinup G**y G*****r (whose name cannot be entered into any computer in full, as it leads to your computer being confiscated and given a thorough investigation). Susan Boyle’s hairdresser offered us a full explanation for her shocking transformation.

‘Susan is from a sleepy village and news travels slow here. In our village G**y G*****r has only just reached the top of the hit parade with his pop song ‘*’* *** ******!’ Susan loves him so much and I didn’t want to break her heart with the shocking truth. I estimated that she should find out in approximately 12 years by which time his career will have lapsed and she will be fantasising about Eddie the Eagle Edwards which I hope will soften the blow and no, I didn’t bat an eyelid when she asked for a quiff. It’s my most popular ‘do.”

Boyle is currently visiting young offender’s institutes in an attempt to decrease crime levels with a terrifying kiss-chase.

Madonna Adoption: The Latest

Sex book author Madonna’s emotional tug of war with a Malawian child is set to turn physical next week when she returns to the country to fight for a new kiddie.

 

A Malawian Madonna and adoption expert has given us all the inside gossip. He told us, “Madonna will arrive at the orphanage and chose a child that she wants. She has her photograph taken with the ones she likes and then decides which one is most complimentary and photogenic and then she gets rid of the children that don’t compliment her by using a nail-biting process of elimination.”

 

Madonna already has three attractive children and cannot risk adopting a hideously ugly one as candid paparazzi photographs of her family will be ruined. An orphanage employee told us, “We’ve got millions of disabled kids but Madonna won’t have one of those because they can make a mess of your car and pull unpredictable faces on photographs.”

 

Madonna’s tug of war will begin on Monday morning. Madonna is thought to be pulling on the child’s right arm and Malawian authorities will be pulling on the left. It is widely believed that if any of the arms get broken Madonna is just going to leave it. A spokesperson said “If the child’s arm gets broken during the tug of war Madonna will leave the child in the orphanage because she has a world tour to rehearse for and has no time to stick knitting needles down pots to scratch an itch. To be one of Madonna’s children you have to grow up pretty fast, look after yourself and develop your own skills. When Madonna is your mum the fame comes for free and you don’t have to pay for it… IN SWEAT!.. because it’s free, like I said.”

Britney Spears: Terrified of civilians

Britney was terrified when a civilian joined her on stage last night as she has very little contact with regular people. She told us, “Usually, I’m on a stage with bright lights in my eyes so I can’t see the fans. Some of them are so gross. If I could see them I would probably spend the duration of the show in a foetal position emptying the contents of my stomach. They would probably pay to see that as well,” She chuckled. “The bloody stupid idiots pay fifty quid a head to watch me mime to a load of songs that were written by some faceless buffoons. I haven’t learnt any dance routines either, I just shake my arms every now and again and they can watch me do that on telly for free.”
A spokesman for the cops said, “The deranged fan who penetrated Britney’s stage this evening has been identified as a danger to society. He tried to hypnotise Britney with a combination of normalcy and the art of dance in a dangerous attempt to win her heart.”
Britney was left shaken by the event. “I’ve never seen acne like it and he stank like a horny dog,” She sniffed.

Dear Adrian Chiles & Christine Bleakley

 

 

Dear Adrian Chiles

I thoroughly enjoy watching you on The One Show but the reception on my television is quite bad on that channel so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to move it to BBC2. I don’t think it would get in the way because I’ve looked at what’s offered on BBC2 at 7pm and frankly Adrian, it’s nothing but rubbish.

I think you cope really well with Christine on that programme. If I’m honest with you Adrian her voice gets on my nerves. If I was you I’d have to tell her to shut up or at least get some earplugs. I watch the programme mainly because I think you’re a great presenter but also because there’s nothing else on at that time apart from Emmerdale but I watch the omnibus at the weekend. The dogs go mad when they see Paddy, I think it’s because he’s a vet. The cats don’t mind him though because they’re normally outside.

My wife just told me that she needs your size because she wants to knit you a jumper. You don’t have to pay her for it, unless you want to, because it’s a gift. Also what colour do you want? If you don’t let us know she’s just going to knit one in green.

Please can I have a signed photograph of you to show the neighbours and then they might start watching. Thank you so much you are inspiring and insipidational for me.

From Leigh Clark

 

 

 

Thanks for your great letter. Good to receive one to add to my own small pile of mail (Christine receives far more than can be healthy for one person).

Sorry to hear that we’re not coming over in full crystal clear glory on your television – although in my case this is probably a distinct improvement. You can decide for yourself whether you really would prefer a sharper picture as I am enclosing a signed photo as requested.

I’m sure any jumper your wife wants to knit me will be just fine. Please thank her for the kind offer. If she really does want to know my preferred colours, she can’t go wrong with West Bromwich Albion’s blue and white! And tell her that I am a lot slimmer (42″ chest) and somewhat taller (6ft 1in) than I may appear on that fuzzy screen of yours.

With best wishes

Adrian Chiles

Ideally I wanted him to really slag Christine off. I’ve written to her aswell so hopefully I’ll hear back from her soon. The accompanying photograph is the start of a brand new project of mine called HOW COOL CAN YOU LOOK WHILST HOLDING A PHOTOGRAPH OF ADRIAN CHILES? Please post your entries to my email address. Seriously, I love Adrian.

Dear Christine Bleakley

Between you and me Christine, I don’t know how you cope with Adrian breathing down your neck. I find him really annoying and you won’t know this Christine but whilst you’re presenting his lecherous eyes are all over you. If I was you I would ask if I could sit on a separate chair.

I love the Irish. I remember Dana. I wish she was back on the scene as she was a great entertainer with real class not like that Jane McDonald she’s more like a fishmonger’s wife than a TV personality. Why don’t you see if you can get Dana on the show one day and you could talk about St Patrick’s Day and do recipes and, of course, drink Guinness.

My wife has a lovely little Irish doll, still in its packaging and wearing full regalia and with a tiny shamrock embroidered onto the back of her little jacket. You can have it if you want Christine, as a gift from us for making TV so enjoyable. Please let me know if you would like it. You could keep it on the table in front of you as a lucky charm and it would remind you of your family and friends at home. I bet you miss your family don’t you Christine? I’ve only got pets and a wife but I had to go into hospital for a few days for personal reasons that I am NOT willing to go into, but I missed my family so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears. My dogs went mad when I came home. The cats weren’t to bothered though because they were outside.

Please can I have a photograph of you and don’t forget about the doll. We can’t hang onto it forever for goodness sake. Keep up the good work Love.

Love from Leigh

Britney’s hilarious twist on the ‘pull my finger’ joke

Anthea Turner

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and other times bad things happen to Anthea Turner. Anthea Turner made a complete tit of herself on Hell’s Kitchen when her husband was ‘sacked’ (the poor mans version of being ‘fired’). Grant acted like he had just been given his last rights whilst Anthea sobbed like a discarded foetus on the kitchen floor. “Please… DON’T TOUCH ME!” she wept as Miss Dynamite went to console her. Miss Dynamite shrugged her shoulders and walked away whilst millions of viewers screamed for her to go back and kick ungrateful Anthea really hard in her babymaker.
There is never a bad time to watch Anthea nearly get killed. Better luck next time motorbike rider.

Kylie high on crack SHOCKING EVIDENCE

Kylie Minogue has been off the radar for a while and that’s because she’s been hiding out in a dangerous crack den with four of Australia’s most dangerous kiddie catchers. Here is the shocking evidence…

Be warned: The bright colours and annoying sounds could result in you killing yourself or someone else. Sit on your hands until it’s finished.

How is it Cameron Diaz

 

Greetings from Leigh in the United Kingdom.  I am not long of this earth. Arrived here in the glorious UK from Slovakia to seek great fortune and have many Slovakian misgivings for which I beg you to forgive.

 

Your movies spreads the wild fire in my heart and your face has the burning heat of one thousand sunsets bringing endless pleasure to me and my fellow Slovakians. I do not wish to beg you for funding as I am a fashion designer for Primark. I make over four hundred sweaters on my machine and employ a great friendship with my fellow designers who talk about Cameron Diaz in the movies.

 

Fashion is my virtue and I imagine the sweaters on my movie-star and my movie-star rewarding my strength with a kiss. Forgive my blushes.

 

I desire to make movies in the Hollywood and have very good friend who is taking us there when the police break my job with Primark. I pay him large money and arrive in the Hollywood when released from container. He promises more air than the journey to UK that said a sad farewell to my dog and cousin. My uncle was blinded by bad sanitary but he doesn’t care because of his love for music.

 

It is my big dream to make you a movie and have created a movie in words that I long for you to star at with your permission. I will make great fortune for you and I will live in the Hollywood hill with children and a helicopter I endeavour.

 

The film in words is the story of a lady with the beauty of combed sand and her husband who dies in the container. The love between the people is a burning fire and the lady is destroyed by the death of her lover. Surprise to her, a big dog (like Turner and Hooch movie dog) arrives at husbands funeral and he is husband reincarnated. The lady and dog become beautiful friends and fall into deep, unforgiving love. The dog writes the lady a letter by pen in mouth. The lady reads the letter and becomes understanding of the love. The film ends with the dog making love, as deep as the ocean, to the lady and the passion of her marriage becomes alive but her husband is still dead and a dog.  Please Cameron Diaz, I wish for you to act as the lady. The dog will be made of special effect like my joy which is Scooby Doo 2.

 

Please forgive me a photograph with your autograph and personal information about yourself but not your bank. It will be a precious treasure to me. You will be so grateful to do my film for me. You will bring my great fortune in Hollywood. Maybe, if I may be so bold and outrageous, we will wed and on the night of our sacred vows I will reveal to you the true identity of my uncle. You will be in excellent shock when you find out who he REALLY is but it is a secret which you must cradle to your grave and for this I give you great blessings and trust. My fellow Slovakians tell me “Cameron Diaz, she will not let you down.” “Ha,” I say “No problem.”

 

In my hometown in Slovakia it is tradition for women that teeth are the trophies of the devil and hair is Gods blanket that disguises loves favourite sin. Don’t worry Cameron Diaz. I KNOW you understand. I look forward to receiving you. My friend in Primark want to say something to you now..

 

GREETINGS CAMERON DIAZ FROM UK. MY FRIEND IS GOOD MAN AND WISE. HE LIKE YOU AND TALK TO ME OF YOU FOREVER. I GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS FOR YOU. I LIKE ACE VENTURA MOVIES. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT HIM FROM ME. FORM ALEXEJ.

 

Har Har my friend is so crazy. Best Wishes for you and I wait to receive you now.

 

How are you today

 

Leigh x

She sent me this lovely photograph. Unfortunately, there was no mention of her starring in my film.

Michael Jackson advance tickets available now

Fans of Michael Jackson had to literally wipe the excitement off their faces when the “King of Pop” announced his forthcoming dates at the o2 arena. Tickets go on sale next week but we can exclusively reveal that advance tickets are already being sold.

 

Pervert

 

Top venue bosses have decided to sell cloakroom tickets in advance for the advantage of those concert goers who are contemplating taking a coat. Tickets are already selling fast. But is it worth the £1.50 asking price? Cloakroom attendant Lynne Baker thinks so. “I think it’s worth it because if you’ve got a big heavy coat with valuables in the pocket, you don’t want to be leaving it on your seat because the likelihood is, a street urchin or pervert could pinch it and you could end up with nothing. What’s £1.50 when you’ve saved yourself the price of a new coat?”

 

Blouse

 

To buy or not to buy is not the only question as Jacko fans are burdened with another dilemma – should they or, should they not wear a coat. Some fans will be wearing their red military jackets in honour the “King of Poop” but normal people won’t be getting dressed up, they’ll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt or blouse or possibly a jumper depending on the weather which is another factor which will affect the decision fans make when it comes to coat wearing.

 

Moist

We contacted weatherman John Kettley, who is very much still alive, to ask whether coats are likely to be essential garments at the Michael Jackson shows in July. He told us, “I spoke to the Met Office this morning and unfortunately the weather forecasts are unavailable for the ten dates in July. However, if I were to use my reliable prediction skills I would say that for most of the dates there will be mostly a sunny start, but with wintery showers in the Northwest developing widely, becoming locally heavy and squally with hail and thunder and it will feel cold in strong and gusty westerly winds and, it will rain too but it will be that rain that doesn’t look much but gets you really moist. So I would say “yes”, take a coat.”

 

Dangerous

 

Wacko Jacko, not to be confused with Waco Jacko the infamous militant involved in 1993’s Waco Massacre, has always had his share of obsessive and unusual fans. One super-fan Michelle Jackson, 43 has been to every single show Jackson has ever performed at and has first-hand experience of the trauma of being lumbered with an unwanted coat at a concert. “I stupidly took a floor-length pac-a-mac to Michael’s 1992 Dangerous show in Berlin but unfortunately I lost the pack and the mac became a huge burden. I had memorised every single dance routine and prior to the show starting I always liked to entertain the crowds with an impromptu performance. Due to the small space between the seats and the size of my mac, things turned sour when I threw a dramatic and extravagant dance routine into the mix.  I impressed the crowds with my The Way You Make Me Feel routine but during the spin I got so tangled up in my coat that I lost my balance and fell down 36 flights of stairs and broke my neck which left me paralysed from the neck down.” laughed the fan. “It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I get tonnes of benefits which pay for my concert tickets and I get priority seating so I can be right at the front. The last time I saw him, I was so close that when he was singing Dirty Diana I actually got a bit of his spit in my good eye. I couldn’t see for the rest of the concert but it was well worth it. I would say buy your cloakroom tickets but if I’d have bought one I wouldn’t be able to say I’d been temporarily blinded by the “King of Pop”. Not everyone can say that can they?” Unfortunately neither can Michelle as the last paragraph was cleverly translated by Michelle’s mother who deciphers her daughter’s speech by measuring her ear twitches and blinks.

 

Buy your tickets HERE

 

 

 

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