Susan Boyle’s Controversial Makeover

Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle stunned fans today when she unveiled her controversial new image. Boyle shunned the advice of stylists who tried to persuade her to go with a kooky Lady Gaga style and instead opted for the image of her favourite pinup G**y G*****r (whose name cannot be entered into any computer in full, as it leads to your computer being confiscated and given a thorough investigation). Susan Boyle’s hairdresser offered us a full explanation for her shocking transformation.

‘Susan is from a sleepy village and news travels slow here. In our village G**y G*****r has only just reached the top of the hit parade with his pop song ‘*’* *** ******!’ Susan loves him so much and I didn’t want to break her heart with the shocking truth. I estimated that she should find out in approximately 12 years by which time his career will have lapsed and she will be fantasising about Eddie the Eagle Edwards which I hope will soften the blow and no, I didn’t bat an eyelid when she asked for a quiff. It’s my most popular ‘do.”

Boyle is currently visiting young offender’s institutes in an attempt to decrease crime levels with a terrifying kiss-chase.

Madonna Adoption: The Latest

Sex book author Madonna’s emotional tug of war with a Malawian child is set to turn physical next week when she returns to the country to fight for a new kiddie.

A Malawian Madonna and adoption expert has given us all the inside gossip. He told us, “Madonna will arrive at the orphanage and chose a child that she wants. She has her photograph taken with the ones she likes and then decides which one is most complimentary and photogenic and then she gets rid of the children that don’t compliment her by using a nail-biting process of elimination.”

Madonna already has three attractive children and cannot risk adopting a hideously ugly one as candid paparazzi photographs of her family will be ruined. An orphanage employee told us, “We’ve got millions of disabled kids but Madonna won’t have one of those because they can make a mess of your car and pull unpredictable faces on photographs.”

Madonna’s tug of war will begin on Monday morning. Madonna is thought to be pulling on the child’s right arm and Malawian authorities will be pulling on the left. It is widely believed that if any of the arms get broken Madonna is just going to leave it. A spokesperson said “If the child’s arm gets broken during the tug of war Madonna will leave the child in the orphanage because she has a world tour to rehearse for and has no time to stick knitting needles down pots to scratch an itch. To be one of Madonna’s children you have to grow up pretty fast, look after yourself and develop your own skills. When Madonna is your mum the fame comes for free and you don’t have to pay for it… IN SWEAT!.. because it’s free, like I said.”

Britney Spears: Terrified of civilians

Britney was terrified when a civilian joined her on stage last night as she has very little contact with regular people. She told us, “Usually, I’m on a stage with bright lights in my eyes so I can’t see the fans. Some of them are so gross. If I could see them I would probably spend the duration of the show in a foetal position emptying the contents of my stomach. They would probably pay to see that as well,” She chuckled. “The bloody stupid idiots pay fifty quid a head to watch me mime to a load of songs that were written by some faceless buffoons. I haven’t learnt any dance routines either, I just shake my arms every now and again and they can watch me do that on telly for free.”
A spokesman for the cops said, “The deranged fan who penetrated Britney’s stage this evening has been identified as a danger to society. He tried to hypnotise Britney with a combination of normalcy and the art of dance in a dangerous attempt to win her heart.”
Britney was left shaken by the event. “I’ve never seen acne like it and he stank like a horny dog,” She sniffed.

Dear Adrian Chiles & Christine Bleakley

Dear Adrian Chiles

I thoroughly enjoy watching you on The One Show but the reception on my television is quite bad on that channel so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to move it to BBC2. I don’t think it would get in the way because I’ve looked at what’s offered on BBC2 at 7pm and frankly Adrian, it’s nothing but rubbish.

I think you cope really well with Christine on that programme. If I’m honest with you Adrian her voice gets on my nerves. If I was you I’d have to tell her to shut up or at least get some earplugs. I watch the programme mainly because I think you’re a great presenter but also because there’s nothing else on at that time apart from Emmerdale but I watch the omnibus at the weekend. The dogs go mad when they see Paddy, I think it’s because he’s a vet. The cats don’t mind him though because they’re normally outside.

My wife just told me that she needs your size because she wants to knit you a jumper. You don’t have to pay her for it, unless you want to, because it’s a gift. Also what colour do you want? If you don’t let us know she’s just going to knit one in green.

Please can I have a signed photograph of you to show the neighbours and then they might start watching. Thank you so much you are inspiring and insipidational for me.

From Leigh Clark

Thanks for your great letter. Good to receive one to add to my own small pile of mail (Christine receives far more than can be healthy for one person).

Sorry to hear that we’re not coming over in full crystal clear glory on your television – although in my case this is probably a distinct improvement. You can decide for yourself whether you really would prefer a sharper picture as I am enclosing a signed photo as requested.

I’m sure any jumper your wife wants to knit me will be just fine. Please thank her for the kind offer. If she really does want to know my preferred colours, she can’t go wrong with West Bromwich Albion’s blue and white! And tell her that I am a lot slimmer (42″ chest) and somewhat taller (6ft 1in) than I may appear on that fuzzy screen of yours.

With best wishes

Adrian Chiles

Ideally I wanted him to really slag Christine off. I’ve written to her aswell so hopefully I’ll hear back from her soon. The accompanying photograph is the start of a brand new project of mine called HOW COOL CAN YOU LOOK WHILST HOLDING A PHOTOGRAPH OF ADRIAN CHILES? Please post your entries to my email address. Seriously, I love Adrian.

Dear Christine Bleakley

Between you and me Christine, I don’t know how you cope with Adrian breathing down your neck. I find him really annoying and you won’t know this Christine but whilst you’re presenting his lecherous eyes are all over you. If I was you I would ask if I could sit on a separate chair.

I love the Irish. I remember Dana. I wish she was back on the scene as she was a great entertainer with real class not like that Jane McDonald she’s more like a fishmonger’s wife than a TV personality. Why don’t you see if you can get Dana on the show one day and you could talk about St Patrick’s Day and do recipes and, of course, drink Guinness.

My wife has a lovely little Irish doll, still in its packaging and wearing full regalia and with a tiny shamrock embroidered onto the back of her little jacket. You can have it if you want Christine, as a gift from us for making TV so enjoyable. Please let me know if you would like it. You could keep it on the table in front of you as a lucky charm and it would remind you of your family and friends at home. I bet you miss your family don’t you Christine? I’ve only got pets and a wife but I had to go into hospital for a few days for personal reasons that I am NOT willing to go into, but I missed my family so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears. My dogs went mad when I came home. The cats weren’t to bothered though because they were outside.

Please can I have a photograph of you and don’t forget about the doll. We can’t hang onto it forever for goodness sake. Keep up the good work Love.

Love from Leigh