How is it Cameron Diaz

Greetings from Leigh in the United Kingdom.  I am not long of this earth. Arrived here in the glorious UK from Slovakia to seek great fortune and have many Slovakian misgivings for which I beg you to forgive.

Your movies spreads the wild fire in my heart and your face has the burning heat of one thousand sunsets bringing endless pleasure to me and my fellow Slovakians. I do not wish to beg you for funding as I am a fashion designer for Primark. I make over four hundred sweaters on my machine and employ a great friendship with my fellow designers who talk about Cameron Diaz in the movies.

Fashion is my virtue and I imagine the sweaters on my movie-star and my movie-star rewarding my strength with a kiss. Forgive my blushes.

I desire to make movies in the Hollywood and have very good friend who is taking us there when the police break my job with Primark. I pay him large money and arrive in the Hollywood when released from container. He promises more air than the journey to UK that said a sad farewell to my dog and cousin. My uncle was blinded by bad sanitary but he doesn’t care because of his love for music.

It is my big dream to make you a movie and have created a movie in words that I long for you to star at with your permission. I will make great fortune for you and I will live in the Hollywood hill with children and a helicopter I endeavour.

The film in words is the story of a lady with the beauty of combed sand and her husband who dies in the container. The love between the people is a burning fire and the lady is destroyed by the death of her lover. Surprise to her, a big dog (like Turner and Hooch movie dog) arrives at husbands funeral and he is husband reincarnated. The lady and dog become beautiful friends and fall into deep, unforgiving love. The dog writes the lady a letter by pen in mouth. The lady reads the letter and becomes understanding of the love. The film ends with the dog making love, as deep as the ocean, to the lady and the passion of her marriage becomes alive but her husband is still dead and a dog.  Please Cameron Diaz, I wish for you to act as the lady. The dog will be made of special effect like my joy which is Scooby Doo 2.

Please forgive me a photograph with your autograph and personal information about yourself but not your bank. It will be a precious treasure to me. You will be so grateful to do my film for me. You will bring my great fortune in Hollywood. Maybe, if I may be so bold and outrageous, we will wed and on the night of our sacred vows I will reveal to you the true identity of my uncle. You will be in excellent shock when you find out who he REALLY is but it is a secret which you must cradle to your grave and for this I give you great blessings and trust. My fellow Slovakians tell me “Cameron Diaz, she will not let you down.” “Ha,” I say “No problem.”

In my hometown in Slovakia it is tradition for women that teeth are the trophies of the devil and hair is Gods blanket that disguises loves favourite sin. Don’t worry Cameron Diaz. I KNOW you understand. I look forward to receiving you. My friend in Primark want to say something to you now..

GREETINGS CAMERON DIAZ FROM UK. MY FRIEND IS GOOD MAN AND WISE. HE LIKE YOU AND TALK TO ME OF YOU FOREVER. I GIVE HIM MY BLESSINGS FOR YOU. I LIKE ACE VENTURA MOVIES. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT HIM FROM ME. FORM ALEXEJ.

Har Har my friend is so crazy. Best Wishes for you and I wait to receive you now.

How are you today

Leigh x

She sent me this lovely photograph. Unfortunately, there was no mention of her starring in my film.

Michael Jackson advance tickets available now

Fans of Michael Jackson had to literally wipe the excitement off their faces when the “King of Pop” announced his forthcoming dates at the o2 arena. Tickets go on sale next week but we can exclusively reveal that advance tickets are already being sold.

Pervert

Top venue bosses have decided to sell cloakroom tickets in advance for the advantage of those concert goers who are contemplating taking a coat. Tickets are already selling fast. But is it worth the £1.50 asking price? Cloakroom attendant Lynne Baker thinks so. “I think it’s worth it because if you’ve got a big heavy coat with valuables in the pocket, you don’t want to be leaving it on your seat because the likelihood is, a street urchin or pervert could pinch it and you could end up with nothing. What’s £1.50 when you’ve saved yourself the price of a new coat?”

Blouse

To buy or not to buy is not the only question as Jacko fans are burdened with another dilemma – should they or, should they not wear a coat. Some fans will be wearing their red military jackets in honour the “King of Poop” but normal people won’t be getting dressed up, they’ll probably just wear jeans and a t-shirt or blouse or possibly a jumper depending on the weather which is another factor which will affect the decision fans make when it comes to coat wearing.

Moist

We contacted weatherman John Kettley, who is very much still alive, to ask whether coats are likely to be essential garments at the Michael Jackson shows in July. He told us, “I spoke to the Met Office this morning and unfortunately the weather forecasts are unavailable for the ten dates in July. However, if I were to use my reliable prediction skills I would say that for most of the dates there will be mostly a sunny start, but with wintery showers in the Northwest developing widely, becoming locally heavy and squally with hail and thunder and it will feel cold in strong and gusty westerly winds and, it will rain too but it will be that rain that doesn’t look much but gets you really moist. So I would say “yes”, take a coat.”

Dangerous

Wacko Jacko, not to be confused with Waco Jacko the infamous militant involved in 1993’s Waco Massacre, has always had his share of obsessive and unusual fans. One super-fan Michelle Jackson, 43 has been to every single show Jackson has ever performed at and has first-hand experience of the trauma of being lumbered with an unwanted coat at a concert. “I stupidly took a floor-length pac-a-mac to Michael’s 1992 Dangerous show in Berlin but unfortunately I lost the pack and the mac became a huge burden. I had memorised every single dance routine and prior to the show starting I always liked to entertain the crowds with an impromptu performance. Due to the small space between the seats and the size of my mac, things turned sour when I threw a dramatic and extravagant dance routine into the mix.  I impressed the crowds with my The Way You Make Me Feel routine but during the spin I got so tangled up in my coat that I lost my balance and fell down 36 flights of stairs and broke my neck which left me paralysed from the neck down.” laughed the fan. “It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I get tonnes of benefits which pay for my concert tickets and I get priority seating so I can be right at the front. The last time I saw him, I was so close that when he was singing Dirty Diana I actually got a bit of his spit in my good eye. I couldn’t see for the rest of the concert but it was well worth it. I would say buy your cloakroom tickets but if I’d have bought one I wouldn’t be able to say I’d been temporarily blinded by the “King of Pop”. Not everyone can say that can they?” Unfortunately neither can Michelle as the last paragraph was cleverly translated by Michelle’s mother who deciphers her daughter’s speech by measuring her ear twitches and blinks.

Buy your tickets HERE

Katy Perry goes tits over ass

Singing lesbian and all round super hot sex pot Katy Perry managed to upset the audience at a recent benefit gig for victims of Weight Watchers.

Katy agreed to perform her same sex snog anthem I Kissed a Girl in front of thousands of hungry dieters. Controversially Katy had the bare faced cheek to flaunt herself around a huge cake that sent the starving salad dodgers swarming towards the stage. Katy brought her own security guards who ensured her safety by attacking the charging hordes with cattle prods, taser guns and violent punches.

To rub salt into the crowds gaping wounds and growling stomachs Katy threw her slender frame on top of the cake and rubbed her womanhood all over it. At this point the hungry onlookers returned to their seats. The audience had the last laugh though when the singing lesbian became so lubricated she couldn’t stand up to leave the stage.

Watch the dirty mess below…

Dear Richard Hammond

For years friends of mine have commented on how much they think I look like you but I failed to believe them until I recently holidayed in Scarborough.

Upon arriving at the Grand Hotel, I noticed that the receptionist turned a peculiar shade of crimson and began whispering to the maitre d. I was shown to my room and thought nothing more of it until 30 minutes later when a complimentary bottle of champagne was delivered to my room courtesy of the hotel Manager, along with a note expressing his great admiration for me. I found this very odd until my wife, pointed out that they probable think that I am David Tennant, as this has happened on several occasions and causes great embarrassment on the occasional passing of rowdy school busses.

My evening meal was served amidst lots of whispers and nudges and in the end my wife and I decided to eat in our room. It was then that I spotted a note that had been slid under the door from a fellow holiday maker offering me a large sum of money to spend an hour with his wife apart from the note was addressed to Richard Hammond. Needless to say I declined the offer. However, I continued to receive gifts, toy cars, flowers, vouchers and my pre-paid holiday was refunded as it was an honour to have Richard Hammond staying in their Hotel and although my card said my name on it the only comment I received regarding my true identity was that it was ‘very wise’ of me to use a pseudonym. Due to the credit crunch and the decline in the country’s economy I decided to take advantage of the situation and managed to make a saving of over £400 which I put towards a conservatory.

You may also like to know that I also received an extra £250 after visiting a sick child in hospital, at the request of the hotel, and he was thrilled to meet me/you and they took some photographs which I told them could be forwarded to me via Top Gear at the BBC. When you receive the photographs could you please send them to me at the address above, I would most appreciate it.

The funny thing about the whole thing is, I am actually 6’5 tall which means that the idiots who believed that I was you must also think that Jeremy Clarkson is nearly 8 feet tall. I mustn’t laugh though because these people saved me a lot of money and my conservatory is really coming on. Please may I have a signed picture of you and then I will have something to leave with an ill child, should I ever meet one again under such circumstances.

Yours sincerely

Leigh

Awaiting reply

Britney Circus Tour: EXCLUSIVE FIRST NIGHT REVIEW

Britney Spears much anticipated Circus Tour kicked off last night and left fans stunned, shocked and bleeding. Britney has been researching circuses for the last twelve months and was intent on pulling out all the stops with her new show.

Britney was introduced onto the stage by the ringmaster who was played by a conjoined twin with two bodies, one head and two mouths. Britney then screamed “It’s Britney Bitch!” the opening line to her drug anthem Gimme More, then followed a huge explosion and Britney fell through a cloud of pink smoke and glitter and landed on a bail of hay. Dusting herself off Britney launched into her smash hit Baby One More Time. The routine saw Britney joined on the round stage by several scary midgets who were all dressed in pink bonnets, nappies and rosettes with their names on. Winston was a favourite with the crowd especially at the height of the routine when he ripped off his nappy to reveal a mind-blowing abnormal growth.

Britney mimed her way through more hits whilst balancing on a tightrope and swinging on a trapeze whilst seven elephants, each freshly branded with letters forming Britney’s name (B.R.I.T.N.E.Y), performed stunts and tricks for the elated crowds. Princess Stephanie of Monaco, who sat in the royal box, took great enjoyment from the animal’s performance. She told us, “I love the Elephants, they are so cute and so clever balancing on one leg for such a long time. I thought it was hysterical when the baby elephant collapsed off its podium and the ringmaster poked it with a red hot stick to wake him up. Ha! Ha! You should have seen its little face  - It was so surprised, but jumped straight back up there. They’re very well trained. I could do to borrow their trainer for my kids. Ha! Ha!”

Britney really mastered the artistry of the circus and wowed the crowds with such tricks as balancing on one leg and swallowing fourteen whole frankfurters. One onlooker commented, “I was shocked by her contortion skills. She was incredibly flexible and the crowd roared with laughter when she sniffed her own bum and then pinched her nose like it stank.”

During the interval, members of the audience were encouraged to get up onto the stage and put their heads in a crocodile’s mouth and have knives thrown at them. One lucky fan said, “It was great, I really felt part of the circus experience especially when the knives were being thrown at me. One of them knocked an apple clean off the top of my head,” he laughed “and then went right through the chest of the lady sat behind me.”

When Britney returned to the stage, she put her cigarette out and mimed her way through her smash hit number one single Toxic, whilst several children, all individually dressed as the colours of the rainbow, were fired from high-speed cannons through the roof of the tent, creating dramatic visual effects that have never been seen before. More  children were then pushed onto the stage, they were draped in chains, padlocked and thrown into a huge Perspex tank of water were they were given the duration of Britney’s single Crazy (you drive me), to escape. The lucky ones sat on Britney’s knee whilst she serenaded them and they were then presented with a rosette and a ten pound voucher for W.H. Smith.

The climax saw Britney take to the stage on a white horse that walked only on its back legs. Britney appeared nervous as the horse climbed the steps but she started singing I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman her self assurance appeared restored as she confidently whipped the horse in time to the beat. Britney finished the show with a groundbreaking routine to her song I’m a Slave 4 U, which saw Britney joined in the circle by eight huge brown bears, all perfectly trained to simultaneously perform the routine.  The only downside was a disappointing performance from one of the bears who did not seem happy with the dance steps when it leapt off the stage and launched itself in a grimacing fashion at a toddler in the front row. The gasping crowds gave a rapturous applause as the ringmaster took out a gun and shot the bear just in time to save the toddlers life.

The crowd’s applause could be heard from miles around and Britney received a well deserved standing ovation. One fan Mary, 46 seemed reluctant to leave, she told us, “It was a brilliant show, worth every penny. My husband was lucky enough to be selected from the crowd during the interval. The effects were amazing. The blood and the screams of terror as the magician beheaded him were so realistic. I can’t wait to hear how they did it. I hope they let him out soon. I mean, they’ve packed up the tent and all the lorries seem to be driving off. Everyone else has gone home and I’m beginning to get a bit cold. I wish I’d brought my coat now.” She sighed.

Britney Spears’ Circus Tour has sold out.

Dollar

God love these two. Dollar are the most deluded former celebrities in the world. They recently starred in Living TV’s Pop Goes the Band and underwent drastic surgery as a means to achieve the good looks they once had during the 1970’s. The results were hilarious and if you missed it I urge you to sit in front of Living TV until it is repeated.

Highlight’s of the show: David was being inspected by a female surgeon and when she attempted to touch his love handles he grabbed her hand and tried to force it onto his private parts. He has the sex drive of a fifteen year old boy with learning difficulties and should be imprisoned.

Another highlight was Teresa claiming that the lines on her forehead are due to her frowning whilst she’s hard at work in the studio. Studio? What studio? They haven’t had a hit single for 30 years and just watch them performing Mirror Mirror to their dance teacher – you will drown in a sea of laughter.

I had to stick Dollar in Celebrity Tits column because I had no other place to put them. But I secretly love you Dollar. I love you like a respectable aristocrat loves his secret stash of German porn.

Pop Goes the Band ad.

David Van Day proving to be a complete tit on GMTV

This is the best music video ever to contain an argument about a jacket

Support Dollar

“Lady Gaga ruined my marriage!”

Just Dance star and pop sensation Lady Gaga has simultaneously rocked and shocked the UK by having a smash hit single and by destroying the marriage of Britain’s favourite light entertainment duo The Krankies. Tiny Jeannette is said to be devastated.

Details have emerged as to how the affair began. A Pal said “We were all enjoying a night out at a top celebrity nightspot in the UK’s showbiz capital (London) when in walked this tall blonde creature wearing a rubber contraption fashioned into knickers and a pair of sunglasses. I was sat with Jeannette and Ian Krankie, showing them some paraphernalia from my summer season in Scunthorpe and I noticed her looking over at Ian. She then raised her sun specs and wiggled her eyebrows at him in a sexually suggestive manner. Jeannette, at this point was busy chatting to Suggs from Madness about when she fell off that beanstalk and broke her spine into a million tiny pieces.”

 It would appear Ian was immediately gooey for gaga and her rubber knickers. “Ian told me to distract Jeannette for a few minutes so he could go and chat to the American singing superstar so I threw my drink in her face. She was distracted for about half an hour because it was a cup of tea so she had to have a cold flannel applied so the scald didn’t scar.” But poor Jeannette aka wee Jimmy Krankie was stunned when she peeled back the flannel and saw Ian flat on his back on the dance floor with Lady Gaga performing a seductive routine on top of him whilst Ian sucked the heel of one of her shoes. “We’re just not used to that kind of behaviour in this country” said the club’s manager, “Cilla Black walked in, saw what was going on and collapsed.” A spokesman for Cilla said that her collapse was due to what she saw on the dance-floor and a reaction to a flu jab she had earlier that day.

Understandably Jeannette went crazy demanding that Ian stand up and put his shirt back on immediately. When Ian refused Jeannette launched herself at Lady Gaga who outstretched her arm and grabbed Jeannette by the head allowing the small comedy star to throw futile punches at the air before being dragged off by security. Jeannette screamed as she was led out of the showbiz hot-spot “Her song Poker Face is a load of old shite but if I ever see that adulterous bitch again I’ll do more than poke her face. I’ll rip her f*****g eyes out.” Lady Gaga was unavailable to comment on the incident but was spotted enjoying a romantic bar meal with Ian Krankie the following day. A devastated Jeannette wept “I dedicated forty years of my life to that man and I am upset because we’d just got a job on P&O ferries. But she’s welcome to him.” She sobbed. “Besides,” she continued “I’ll be interested to see how long it takes for him to convince Lady bloody Gaga to dress up as a ten year old schoolboy.”

Gaga is being measured up for her uniform as this goes to print.

Dear Cheryl Baker

Sex and the City Sequel: SPOILER ALERT!

Girls who like nothing more than bags and shoes will be absolutely delighted that their favourite show that became a blockbuster movie is now becoming a sequel.

Sex and the City was a very popular movie and thrilled millions of ladies who ask for nothing from films apart from bags, shoes and wafer thin plots. Producers are hoping to duplicate the financial success of the original by broadening the appeal of the brand. “We’ve been looking at what’s popular at the box office as we are trying to broaden Sex and the City appeal. At the moment the appeal is limited to culturally ignorant and materialistic women that lack substance, luckily for us there are millions of those out there and they are very eager to splash their cash on Carrie and the girls. They don’t care about the plot because they just want to see some nice frocks and we decided to test the audiences by getting a blind woman to dress Carrie in the original and the women lapped it up. They’re pathetic and rubbish at driving,” laughed one of the producers.

Following the recent success of Slumdog Millionaire, it became apparent to the producers that throughout the economic crisis, audiences thrive on seeing severe poverty and depravation. With this in mind Sex and the City 2 will take place in the slums. The characters will fly to India after Miranda falls in love, via the internet, with a call centre worker. When the girls get off the plane their bags are stolen, Miranda is conned out of millions of pounds and the girls have no choice but to live in the slums. Fear not, Sex and the City fans, although the famous city is gone, tonnes of sex is guaranteed as Samantha will sex her way out of the slums and the other girls will follow suit. Producers don’t want to alienate fans of the original so in response to online petitions there will be plenty of shoes and bags, a moral dilemma, heart break, love and a valuable life lesson. The script will also be littered with witty one-liners about fellatio, pubic hair, penis size and discharge. Also included will be a scene in which Carrie gets her heel stuck in some mud and falls over as this will guarantee a hearty laugh from fans of the original.

Miley Cyrus will also join the girls. Following the success of her Asian impersonation last month, Miley has been cast as a poor Indian lady whose dream of becoming a shoe designer in New York City becomes a heart-warming and feelgood reality.

Dear Royal Albert Hall

Could you please send me a list of costings for approximately 35 children and 94 adults on 13th August 2009. We are having a cold buffet meal which will be supplied my good friend Jamie Oliver and my good friend Louie Walsh has guaranteed that entertainment will be provided in the form of Westlife. My daughter very much admires Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson who shall burst out of a large gift box and frighten her to death.

I won just short of 16M on the lottery so I really do not mind how much it costs. I just hope that I am treated with the same respect that people who are born into money are treated with, such as the Queen and Tara Palmer Tomkinson, who is a very close friend of mine.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Leigh

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the hiring of the Royal Albert Hall.

We very much regret that the Hall is not available on the date you request as it has been booked by the BBC for their annual summer Proms season.

We do hope you will be able to find an alternative venue.

Yours Sincerely,

Elizabeth Abusch

Customer Services Co-ordinator

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