Bianca Gascoigne goes arse over tit

Silly Bianca! To celebrate the broadcast of a documentary highlighting her father Paul’s tragic demise due to alchoholism, Bianca decides to get completely pissed and fall flat on her face.

Lisa Scott-Lee Follows in Beyonce’s footsteps

Singing Steps sexpot Lisa Scott Lee held a press conference today to announce that she will be following in the footsteps of pop megastars Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez.

Lisa, who has failed every reality contest she has taken part in, took to the stage at a top secret primary school in her hometown of Rhyl to make the announcement. Unfortunately, the school hall had been double-booked and Lisa has to share the stage with the tombola for the school fate that was also taking place today. Luckily the hall cleared as soon as Lisa grabbed the microphone and she was able to announce her exciting news to an anxious onlooker.

“You may have read in the press over the past few years that stars such as Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez have insured their legs and posterior for millions of dollars. Well, I am so pleased to announce that I am following in their footsteps by not only insuring the contents of my house but I am insuring my car too.”

Lisa will be scanning any documents she receives and then placing them in a facebook photo album called “Insurance policies and other random stuff”. Also featured in the album, due to popular demand, is a picture of Lisa with a Shetland pony that was taken by her dad (above).

Dear Dido

I couldn’t wait to show my friends your autograph to prove I had been in the company of greatness. Unfortunately Dido and I’m not sure if it was because you were drunk, you wrote a rather rude message and signed the prescription ‘Dildo’. This caused a great deal of embarrassment when I handed it in at the pharmacy. As nobody believes that I met you I was wondering if I gave you the recipe for the soup we discussed could you send me a signed photograph to make up for my embarrassment and to prove to my friends that I am not a fantasist. The recipe is as follows:

4tsp butter
2 leeks sliced
1lb carrots (slice them Dido, or get your maid to do it)
1tsp ground coriander
5 cups chicken stock
150 ml Greek Yoghurt
3tbsp chopped coriander

Melt butter in a large saucepan add the leeks and carrots (you have to slice them first otherwise the recipe won’t work) Stir well and then cover with a tight fitting lid. Make sure the handle is facing inwards or it could result in a nasty accident. Do you remember the state of my face that day in the surgery? That was because I left the pan handle facing outwards.
Stir the coriander & cook for 1 min. Pour in the stock and put salt & pepper in. The recipe says a pinch but you can’t taste it. I recommend at least 4tbsp Salt and a bit of pepper. If you don’t have any stock you can use watered down brown sauce but it disguises the taste of the carrots which is fine for me because I don’t really like carrots but I love brown sauce. Cover & simmer for 20 min until the leek & carrots are tender/soggy.
Leave to cool & then puree in a blender. I don’t have a blender so I just mash it up with a fork. Add some yoghurt (do NOT use Muller fruit corner) It says greek but any mild one will do.
Put the soup into a bowl and put a spoonful of yoghurt into the centre of each bowl. I discovered a great way of creating what I call the ‘splat’ effect. Simply suck the yoghurt up through a straw and then blow it out into the middle of each bowl to create a Jackson Pollock style mess which will no doubt impress your well-to-do friends. The recipe says serve immediately but can you remember what my lips looked like that day in the surgery? That was a result of eating something that was recommended to be served immediately and 2 years later my strict following of the recipe is still cosmetically evident. You must remember that ‘serve’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘eat’.

I hope you enjoy the soup as much as I enjoyed spending time with you in the surgery. I must go now because I think I just heard my dog being hit by a car. Hang on…

Yes it has been. I’d better go. I’ll look forward to receiving the signed picture of you.

Love from Leigh

Dear Tamzin Outhwaite

Tamzin sent back a signed picture. On the back it said this….Unfortunately – it was not I in Bridlington. Have fun T x

oh yeah Tamzin, I’ll have loads of fun breaking my poor lonely mother’s heart!

Lily Allen fan, aged 2, begs for DRUGS

Lily Allen was last week quoted saying this, “Drugs are absolutely brilliant. I can’t get enough of drugs. All kids should be forced to take drugs by their parents. Everyone should take drugs all the time. Drugs, DRUGS, DRUUUUUGS! YEAH! WOOH!”

Unfortunately, this 2 year old Lily Allen fan is easily influenced…

Christian Bale remixed

Batman star Christian Bale is set to release his first single in aid of children all over the world who can’t afford playstations and don’t wash. It makes you want to pump yourself full with loads of drugs, remove your clothes and dance like you’ve had a reaction to strobe.

The BBC were kind enough to broadcast the single for the viewers to enjoy with their cornflakes…

Chris Brown

Chris Brown is this weeks celebrity tit because he smacked Rihanna. Check out this video of Rihanna & Chris performing Umbrella together. As soon as he comes on stage she goes all weak and grabs her stomach and runs off. Chris just carries on regardless with not a care in the world. He probably gave her a good kicking before she went on stage. The Bastard!

Amy Winehouse: New health scare

Amy Winehouse received shocking news from the Doctors yesterday that has caused alarm amongst her fans, friends and family. Amy is steadily recovering from the shock of the shocking news and although she looks critical she is in a stable condition.

A spokesperson for the Rehab star held a press conference where details of the shocking news emerged and stunned onlookers, some of whom had to be rushed to hospital, via St Johns, after they collapsed from shock.

The spokesperson announced “It is my sad duty today, to announce that Amy Winehouse has been warned by Doctors that she will die.” At this point mayhem ensued as the gasps from the crowds brought down a nearby marquee and crushed an elderly lady who looked stable but was left in a critical condition.

The spokesperson continued. “She will die if she doesn’t make sure that her cigarettes are put out properly and in a safe place. Amy has been warned that she could suffer from fatal consequences such as dying in a house fire or burning to death in her own bed as she sleeps.”

An emergency helpline has been opened for people with very little going on in their lives. All operators are trained to deal with degenerates and the mentally ill.

Joaquin Phoenix

Here’s the best celebrity interview EVER

Shockingly, he was like this the last time he was on Letterman…

Here is a preview of the rapping career that Joaquin has given up acting to pursue…

and this is Joaquin falling off stage after he finished rapping…

Is he for real or just Joaquin? HA HA ha h!

Miley Cyrus

Oops a Miley! The Hannah Montana star forgot the words to her new song ‘Fly on the Wall’ when she performed it live on Saturday night to an audience of over 20 Billion people (including Asians).

A spokesman from racism charity whatarewegoingtodecideisracistandwhoarewegoingtolynchpubliclythisweek.org was pleased with the result. “I couldn’t stop laughing,” he said. “Miley really screwed up when she pulled a racist face and now she’s screwing up her career.” He continued with a serious warning to all parents and pop fans. “Miley Cyrus is a dangerous racist. She is hypnotising your children with her Disney spell and is trying to increase her popularity through pop. Your children are watching her TV show and singing her songs. Your children are wearing Hannah Montana dress-up clothes so they can look exactly like her and then your children will progress to doing Miley’s dirty work for her when she orders a mass genocide. It’s got to stop! I have to go now or I’ll miss my bus.”

Watch Miley screw up below. It’s around 1.10.

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