EXCLUSIVE: Verne Troyer Sex Tape in FULL

click here to watch Verne Troyer’s sex tape in full glorious technicolour.

Michelle Heaton: Bitch in knickers

Lisa Scott-Lee’s ex sister in law Michelle Heaton announced last night that she is launching her own exclusive range of underwear.

 

Michelle has been working hard on the design since unceremoniously leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house. Michelle is very excited about the project. “I’ve been a singer and a television star and I like to dip my finger into different pies. Now I’ve got my fingers in knickers.” She gagged.

 

Michelle will face a lot of competition as the market is full of celebrity endorsed underwear. How will Michelle’s range fare alongside Kathy Staff’s tights and the Heather Mills stocking? “I’ve got my knickers in a twist or should I say there’s a twist to my knickers,” joked the Liberty X star. “I’ve had to look for a gap in the market and there are loads of knickers available for women so it got me thinking who else wears knickers?”

 

Michelle’s underwear will be called the Heat On range and will be designed for dogs on heat. “Dogs can make a hell of a mess when they’re on heat” she wept “I just thought it was about time something was done about it. I’ve got a Labrador and a cream carpet, you do the math.” Poor Michelle’s carpet woes came to a halt when she put a pair of her old knickers on the pup. “Hey presto,” she rejoiced “The mess was all in one spot and my furniture stain free. I felt inspired and thought it was my duty as a celebrity to help people all over the world with this global problem.”

 

Michelle’s Heat On underwear range will be launched next month at Pet World. Lucky bitches all over the country will be able to take their pick from a range of glamorous designs. “Don’t call them that please, I find it really disrespectful towards women.” Begged the ex sister in law of Lisa Scott Lee.

Lulu

 

Unfortunately, the T-Mobile advert has subjected yet another generation to the shrill sound of “Weeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa-eeeeee-aaaa-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel”. Not a year goes by without Shout blasting out of the radio or telly. Ban the record and people will stop killing.

 

There are so many reasons why Lulu qualifies for this week’s Celebrity Tit and here are a few. Add to the list if you wish.

 

Flora

In the Flora advert we witnessed Lulu working out her cholesterol level after speedily solving a mathematical puzzle. Smug cow, as if we believe she did that herself – she thinks we’re thick.

 

Her Face

Every time she’s on telly someone complements her on how youthful she looks. It’s making her head swell – look at the size of her face!

 

Her Accent

In interviews she constantly takes the mickey out of her Scottish accent and slips into over accentuated and exaggerated impressions that cause great embarrassment and shame in the interviewee and the viewer.

Recently she’s become a judge on that BBC Eurovision X-Factor rip-off and she’s suddenly American. Each week she vomits out one liners such as, “You go girlfriend!” (complete with wobbly Jerry Springer head) “You got it goin’ on!” and “You better watch yo’ back mutha f****r, ‘fore I pop a cap in yo’ ass!”

 

Singing

Again, every time she’s interviewed, if given the opportunity, she will burst into song. This is no doubt an attempt to prove that she’s still got ‘it’. If ‘it’ is the ability to singlehandedly increase the suicide rate and drive people into ramming freshly sharpened pencils into their ears then Lulu has got ‘it’ in abundance. She should go to Iraq to entertain the troops.

Ben Adams loses Big Brother but wins modelling contract

Celebrity Big Brother’s boy-band bonny boy Ben is determined to prove that he is no more than just a pretty face. The BB loser has signed an exclusive modelling contract with high street fashion chain Topman. A delighted Ben told us, “I’m delighted. I’ve always wanted to prove that I am just a pretty face and this is the perfect way for me to showcase that quality.”

 

Ben will begin his modelling contract this spring. Topman’s top man told us. “Ben will be standing in our Oxford Street window for the first six months of his contract. We normally use mannequins but they’ve put the prices up and we can’t afford them. We’ve been searching for models for months and then we saw Ben in Big Brother and he fitted the bill perfectly.” Ben will be dressed in the season’s most fashionable clothes by a window dresser, positioned and forced to stand still so he doesn’t distract customers.

 

Ben’s initial concern was that he would starve to death but Topman have a plan to ensure he will survive. “Ben will be fed Yoplait through an intravenous drip three times a day and will have a catheter fitted so he has no excuse to move.” According to his contract, if Ben moves at all throughout the six month period he will not get paid. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” he told us. “I just want to prove once and for all that there are absolutely no brains behind my beauty.”

Heath Ledger Tribute

Heath Ledger 4th April 1979 – 22 January 2008

Brokeback Mountain

Brokeback Parodies

Saved by the Brokeback

Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback

Two Hands (my personal favourite Heath Ledger film)

and if there’s any justice in the world he will get the Oscar for this…

R.I.P

Ulrika Jonsson pissing herself on Live TV

 

Years before she was crowned the winner of Celebrity Big Brother Ulrika used to earn only £2.50 a day presenting the weather on TV-AM. The following is a clip of what happened when Ken Dodd came in to the studio and stuck his feather duster up her skirt to distract her. Ulrika thought it was hilarious and began a relationship with the ageing entertainer. Together the couple sold photographs of their every move to magazines such as Woman’s Own and My Weekly and became worth £200, thus making them the 897654th most powerful celebrity couple in the world.

Barack Obama can sing and dance AND save the world

The new Pres is multi-talented. It appears he has inspired Beyonce so much that she ripped him off. He won’t mind though because he’s dead nice. Here’s his first music video…

X Factor’s Diana Vickers gets knickers twisted by drunken idiot

Drunk people ruin everything. Poor X factor loser Diana Vickers live show came to a abrupt halt after a drunken idiot took to the stage and grabbed her. Diana, who got floored during the vicious attack, went off stage to recover for a few minutes and came back right as rain. The drunken man got his comeuppance when he was thrown out of a side door, kicked in the balls and then shot in the face by Diana’s boyfriend Eoghan Quigg. That’ll teach him.

Lisa Scott-Lee threatens to quit showbiz

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Poor Lisa Scott-Lee is threatening to turn her back on fame unless the paparazzi pay her more attention. “It’s so annoying,” she said. “If I’m signing an autograph for a disabled or overweight fan I need to be photographed doing it. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

 

Busty Lisa sunbathed topless on holiday last year and waited so long for the paparazzi to turn up that she ended up suffering from a violent case of Tanners Nipple™. “It was dark by the time they got there and my nips were burnt to a crisp,” she said, but scabby Lisa wasn’t the only one to suffer that day. “I thought it would only take five minutes to get snapped so I left my dog in the car with the windows up and the poor thing was dead by the time I got back. The paparazzi just don’t realise what they’re doing to us famous folk,” she lisped.

 

Lisa has definitely noticed a change in the pap’s since the height of her fame in Steps. She told us, “Once, I went to a celebrity Gala or it could’ve been Gala Bingo and when I got out of the taxi I had a flap hanging out and they were in there like a flash. Honestly, they were like flies on shit.”

 

Lisa Plans to headline a campaign for tighter restrictions on how the paparazzi operate. “They’ve already killed Diana and they’re not killing me,” She screamed. Funnily enough Lisa didn’t mean Queen of Hearts Princess Diana. “Oh no,” she said. “The Queen killed her. No, I meant my dog Diana who died in the car whilst I burnt my tits.”

 

Sharon Osbourne

Sharon Osbourne thinks she’s someone special. You can f!!k with her but DON’T f!!k with her family or she’ll go mental. The tight faced rock wife has never once considered that each person she has f!!!!d with has been someones daughter or someones son.

Sharon, who is secretly battling a Pedigree Chum addiction, recently starred in a crap VH1 programme that nobody was watching so she threw water in a young girls face and attacked her. She was surrounded by sycophants on that show and you can see her lapping up the attention following the attack. Sharon Osbourne is the most repugnant Celebrity Tit yet. Thank God she’s not using that repulsive faux baby voice on British Telly anymore. Watching Sharon Osbourne is like watching a dog chew a condom but less endearing.

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