Dear Kate Moss

 

I am a huge fan and admire all of the incredible work that you have done over the years. But I write basically asking for your help.

Two years ago I won a competition, which enabled me to have a full day photo shoot with a top international photographer named Vidal Marquis. I have always dreamed of becoming a male model but have had no success as most agencies have rejected me due to my height and my lazy eye. However, Vidal took some great photographs that day and said I was entitled to keep only one of them but if I wanted the others I would have to pay a grand total of nine hundred and eighty six pounds. This covered reproduction fees and paid for his internationally renowned name to be printed beneath the print. After years of trying to break into the business I saw these pictures as an opportunity to become recognised in the modelling world. After all, who would be able to turn me down following my association with Vidal Marquis? I therefore gave Vidal all of my bank and credit card details enabling him to do a credit check. I left his studio in Bradford that day elated that soon I would have the likes of Kevin Kline and Eves Sir Laraunt at my feet. I was told that I would receive the photographs along with an exclusive folder in the following six to twelve weeks. When I arrived home that night I showed my mother the photograph and a tear welled in her eye as she said that for the first time in her life she thought I would be able to make something of myself. She said the picture was perfect.

Twelve weeks later I had received no prints. Yet, my bank balance was non-existent and the whole two-thousand pounds credit on my visa had been spent. The credit card company claimed that the card cover plan, which I paid five pounds per month for, was not valid, as I shouldn’t have given him my pin number. But I trusted him Kate. Why shouldn’t I, he had worked with some of the worlds greats such as yourself, Madonna and Linda La Plant. Of course I didn’t want to act unprofessional so I gave him everything he requested. At the moment I am working every hour god sends at the petrol station to pay off my debts and help my mum pay the mortgage, as she was made redundant from her cleaning Job at Natwest last year. Life is terrible at the moment but I feel it could be easily resolved if only I could get my hands on those photographs. Agencies are still turning me down as they say the one picture I have doesn’t count as a portfolio. I have been signed by Hull Glamour, who also have Claire Spinks (Miss Beverley Advertiser 1999) on their books, but they have failed to get me any work as yet. I also model once a month at Curls by Design Unisex Salon where I get a free trim and colour if I choose.

Vidal mentioned how much he enjoyed working with you and said that you meet up regularly to discuss changes in fashion and make up. I have no way of getting in touch with him because he moved out of the Bradford studio and his mobile number is defunct, so I was wondering if possible, the next time you see him can you please ask him to send me the photographs as I feel like my life is on hold. Just to refresh his memory I wore the ripped jeans and held onto some tyres in the free shot and in the others did a succession of poses from wearing a suit and looking upset, acting coy behind the tree, and being sexually ambiguous on a fur rug. Please stress the importance of these photographs Kate, if I don’t get out of the petrol Station soon I don’t know what I’ll do. I began working there when I was twenty, I thought it would be temporary, but sixteen years later I still see the same faces day in, day out. If Vidal refuses to part with the pictures, I know this is a bit out of order Kate but could you possibly borrow them from his file and photocopy them for me. I would do anything for those pictures and I mean anything. Thanks so much for your help Kate. You are so lucky. Hopefully one day I’ll see you on the catwalk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love from Leigh

Now that Angus Deyton has stolen her fashion crown, and her clothes line at Topshop is as popular as prescription shoes, Kate may find time to send me a reply. I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lisa Scott-Lee Tragedy

Happy Christmas from Lisa Scott (&) Leigh

Lisa Scott Lee may have a failed pop career behind her and lost every reality television competition she’s competed in but the former Steps beauty has finally struck gold following the launch of her new perfume Deficiency!

Lisa launched the perfume in the branch of the Perfume Shop where she has a Saturday job. “It was literally flying off the shelves,” she smiled. Lisa has always been great at Chemistry and brewed up the smell using an old chemistry set that she found in her loft. Lisa is remaining tight lipped over the ingredients. “If I told you I’d have to kill you,” she snarled.

Lisa is thrilled with the success of the perfume and hopes to launch her own beauty range in the new-year. Deficiency! can be bought from the Perfume Shop in the Metro Centre, Newcastle or click here to buy a bottle.

UPDATE

Former Steps beauty Lisa Scott Lee suffered a great Tragedy today when her perfume Deficiency! was withdrawn from the shelves. The 369 people who have bought the product have been hospitalised with severe burns and now stand to be seriously disfigured for the rest of their lives. Mum of four, Jackqueueie, 20 unfortunately lost half of her face and is anxiously awaiting an operation to transfer excess skin from her thighs. “It’s devastating” She told us. “It’ll ruin Christmas. Thankfully I wasn’t very pretty in the first place so it could be worse. I just want my kids to stop screaming when they see me,” she chuckled. Deborah, 48 luckily only sprayed it onto her wrist but as a result lost a hand. “Yes, I’m upset but you’d be amazed what they can do with prosthetics nowadays,” she quipped.

The bad news doesn’t end there at the last count 4759 people have had a serious allergic reaction to the perfume and died after so much as a whiff. The fatalities are increasing rapidly as the corpses are excreting a deadly mucus that can kill anyone and everyone within a 2 mile radius. Lisa is still optimistic about her career, as she was dragged from her home by armed police she told us “It’s better to have tried and failed than not tried at all.”

NEWS JUST IN

Lucky Lisa Scott Lee was released without charge today as news emerged that the fatalities, as mentioned in the previous update, have made a full recovery and are now completely alive. There are however health concerns regarding the reincarnated as most of them have developed a grey discolouration of the skin and the pupils in their eyes have turned completely white. On a positive note they are all moving but at a very slow physical pace. Lisa is delighted at the news. “Being in the cells was just inspiring,” she nudged. “I managed to write some new songs and choreograph some great routines. I also learned how to punch a woman, knock her unconscious & steal her purse. I’m glad to be out because I’ve got a hair appointment.” Lisa will be touring primary schools next year to teach children her new skills. To book Lisa for your school click here.

NEWS JUST IN: UPDATE

Lisa Scott Lee is in back in the cells again tonight following what can only be described as a brutal massacre carried out by the reincarnated victims of Lisa’s toxic Deficiency! perfume. It would seem that the affected have developed a taste for human blood and the ravenous thousands descended towards the nations capital and, following sun down, savagely murdered over 18,000 people by biting their necks or tearing out their heart. An onlooker said “It was awful, there were people running around screaming. Nobody really knew what was going on and then suddenly there was blood everywhere. I managed to run into comet and steal a 50” plasma and nobody could hear the alarm go off because of the screaming. So I was quite pleased really.” He winked. Lisa made an announcement to the press last night. “I am going to write an autobiography because, after all this, I think people might finally be interested in what I’ve got to say.” She sniffed. Following an immediate outpouring of negativity from all publishing houses, Lisa changed her mind. “I’ll just write a song about it then” she huffed. At this point MTV bosses stepped in and reminded her she was banned from releasing any music. “I’ll do a dance about it then… on ice or something.” She concluded.

Duracell ain’t got nothin’ on this bitch. Watch her with 10,000 volts through her head, or so she claims. Download the single NOW. Who cares if she’s responsible for all that death. It’s christmas, give Scott-Lee a chance.

Friends: The Movie. EXCLUSIVE

Following in the footsteps of the big screen success of Sex and the City, it was today confirmed that a Friends movie is in the early stages of production.

“The script is coming along nicely” says screenwriter Mick, whose previous scripts have yet to be purchased. “I think this one will sell because it’s about Friends”. But fans are in for a big shock as Mick has already killed off two of the main characters. Phoebe dies in the first scene. “I never liked Phoebe so I killed her straight away. I want an intelligent script and Phoebe was always an idiot so the best thing to do was to get rid of her but in a way that Friends fans will love.”

Another character to get the chop is Ross. “His voice got on my nerves and his droopy eyes wind me up. He’s like a sad dog and Friends is supposed to be a comedy for Christ’s sake!” The script rejoins the cast five years after the final episode. Following Phoebe’s murder and Ross’s suicide, the remaining cast members move back into the apartment. Mick has cleverly removed any obstructions that the shows finale introduced. Monica and Chandler became parents in the last episode and left the apartment to move to a family home. So why would they move back to a small apartment?

“Oh, that was really easy to write,” Said Mick. “Friends fans love the apartment, so I wrote into the storyline that they had their baby taken off them by social services after leaving it in a hot car with the windows up. Also, I’ve always hated Chandler so I gave him throat cancer and he has lost his voice forever. He will still be in the film but he won’t be saying anything. He will still be funny though because there is a scene where he drinks some coke and it squirts out of the hole in his neck and goes all over Rachel’s dress and she goes mad.”

Rachel is Mick’s favourite character. So what’s in store for her? “I love Rachel,” smiles Mick. “But I’ve had to let her character grow up. She’s not as ditzy as she was in the show. She’s more confident with her body and has matured sexually, so there are quite a few sex scenes, two shower scenes, one bath scene, one where you see her getting undressed, one where you see her getting dressed, a scene in a spa where she has a full body massage, one in a hospital where she has a bed bath and she has a new job as a lifeguard so you get to see her in a bikini too and a naughty nurse outfit when she goes to a fancy dress party.”

With her best friend and brother dead and her husband mute, what’s in store for Monica? “Not much.” Coughs Mick. “She’s depressed so she just does a lot of cleaning.” Finally, we ask Mick about the shows semi successful spin-off character Joey. “Oh!” says Mick. “I completely forgot about him. Damn it to Hell! I’ll have to start again.”

The release date for the Friends movie is yet to be confirmed.

Lisa Scott Lee Acts & Releases New Album

Former Steps beauty Lisa Scott-Lee vowed never to make any more music after failing a mission set by MTV for the show Totally Scott-Lee. Determined Lisa has worked hard to remain in the public eye and now has a successful career in television after failing to win Dancing on Ice and Celeb Air, Lisa has gained the lead in a brand new advert for JML where she will play a lady who suffers badly with hard skin and then she will shave it off with JML’s new Hard Skin Grater.

But that’s not all. Lisa has today announced that she will be launching a new album next month. “I’m banned from releasing music so instead I am thrilled to announce that I will be releasing a brand new photo album on Facebook. It’s a series of images from girlie nights out and it follows on from last month’s album Randoms!, and this month’s More Randoms! They both went down a treat with my fans so I think I might call this one Randomness or something really funny and original because that’s what I’m like. I’m a right mad twat.”

Unfortunately, Lisa will not be starring in panto this year as she has not been offered a role. However, her fans will be able to see her at the Perfume Shop in Newcastle’s Metro Centre every Saturday between 9am to 5pm. Lisa urges fans not to mob her until she has finished her shift as she doesn’t want to get the sack. 

Here’s the song that ruined Lisa’s life because it didn’t go top ten. The lyrics are hilarious. Help Lisa get her job back. Download it today!

Wishing you all an Abi Titmuss

Famous Celebrity Abi Titmuss is making a bid for the number one slot this Christmas when she releases a charity single. Abi, who’s number one slot is available for all to see on the internet, has decided to donate all of the proceeds to blind children.

Abi has been working hard for the past six months learning how to read and write in Braille. Abi held a press conference today where she told us “I decided to make this record unique from all other Christmas records by writing it in Braille so the lyrics will mean more to the blind children.” The song Have a Very Abi Titmuss, is due for release on Monday. Abi’s charity work doesn’t stop there, she told us. “I have learnt how to read in Braille and I will be touring the country next year reading stories to blind children.” Asked what makes blind children so special to her. Abi, dressed only in knickers and a saucy bra replied “I like them because they are the only people that don’t judge me on my appearance. Most people think I’m all tits and no brain because they judge me on my dress sense. When people find out I’ve been learning Braille to read to blind children, I think they’ll change their minds.”

Abi is set to go head to head with another famous busty blonde when former Coronation Street barmaid Bet Lynch releases her Christmas single Have a Julie Goodyear on the same day. The proceeds of Julie’s sales will go towards damp proofing her flat.

X Factor Winner: The Painful Truth Behind My Tears

X Factor winner Alexandra Burke burst into tears when it was announced that she had won the series and a million pound recording contract. The songstress broke down and could barely compose herself due to tears of victorious joy. Whilst audiences celebrated, poor Alexandra was betraying the viewers and footballers wife Cheryl Cole with her sobbing. She was secretly weeping tears of devastation as Alex had received news seconds before the show that had ruined all of her plans for the future and potentially ruined her life.

Poor Alexandra performed to an “international standard” on Saturday nights show when she sang a powerful duet with Beyonce, an international singer from America. Alex received the crippling news only thirty seconds before she was due on stage to be crowned winner. A brave pal had made the call and sensitively delivered the news. “When I told Alex, she screamed, she was furious. I wish it had been someone else who had delivered the news. I felt like I had ruined her dream. It’s not something I’m going to forget in a hurry.”

The pal continued “I knew the news hadn’t had time to sink in. When they’d announced that she had won I could see that although she was pleased she’d won one million, she was absolutely livid that she hadn’t won seventeen more.” Poor Alexandra, who lives in a caravan and shares a bed with her four grandparents, had entered the National Lottery on Saturday and believed that she stood a very good chance of winning the 17 Million jackpot. “She left me with a pen and a pay as you go and told me to ring her as soon as I got the numbers. I knew she hadn’t won because she told me her numbers were 1,2,3,4,5 and 6. She didn’t have a cat’s chance in hell.” The pal scoffed.

See how upset Alexandra was over her Lottery loss…

‘Nice’ Celebrity Gets Burnt as Bike Goes Bang and Blows!

Anthea Turner is famous for being a presenter and for making loads of money by posing with a chocolate bar, instead of her husband, in her wedding pictures. She is a former Blue Peter presenter and because she was so saccharine sweet she made thousands of innocent children turn to violence because they didn’t want to grow up like her.

Of late, Anthea hasn’t really been on terrestrial television and that is because she has been staring on her own show on the sub channels. Hidden away in the depths of satellite and cable television, Anthea is the star of Anthea Turner: Perfect Housewife, a programme in which she attempts to ridicule feminism. In one episode Anthea can be seen begging like a dog while her husband teases her with cash. He then makes her roll over, only to tear up the cash and spit on her. It was ever so degrading, but she loved it because she loves everything.

Most recently, the former Celebrity Big Brother contestant can be seen presenting Help Me Anthea – I’m infested. A show in which she helps people get rid of crabs, worms, lice and genital warts. It’s certainly not for the faint hearted. There was once a time when Anthea blew up and it was really dreadful. Here it is…

David Van Day

He has always been a tit. His appearance on I’m a Celebrity… only confirmed this. Here is a video of him and his Dollar partner arguing with Sonia a few years ago on Reborn in the USA. Dollar were voted out on the first week. This was hardly a surprise as they were… The word ’shit’ doesn’t do them justice.

Here’s evidence to back up my case. He sounds awful as it is and she comes in like a bloody foghorn.

EXCLUSIVE: Girls Aloud Design Bags For Fans

Following the success of their recent single, The Promise, Girls Aloud have announced that they are launching their own range of scented bin liners. Each girl will have their own signature smell and their picture on the bag. Sarah came up with the idea. “My bin at home always stinks and I was having a chat with Nicola about it and she said that her bin stank an’ all. So we decided to use our fame and popularity to do something about it once and for all. Girls Aloud forever! Woooh!” She yelped.

Fellow band member Kimberley, from the North, is thrilled about the project, she said, “My Dad is a dustman so he’s really excited at the thought of throwing a pleasant smelling bag, with a picture of my face on it, into the back of his dust cart.” Kimberley, from the North, also believes Councils should get in on the act and make scented bags compulsory. “Sometimes,” She quipped “We would be sat eating our tea and me Dad would come home from work stinking of rotten eggs and menstruation. He’d have a wash but he could never get the smell off his fingers, no matter how hard he scrubbed.” She wept. “Girls Aloud wooh!” She continued.

Girls Aloud will launch the product on their new tour when ticket-holders will be presented with a bag featuring their favourite member and will be forced to pick up their own rubbish after the show. The bags are still in the production stage says Cheryl, “We’ve not decided on the smells yet. I’d quite like mine to smell of prit-stik but I don’t know what kind of message that sends to kids who are thinking about sniffing glue. I don’t want to encourage it, because it’s terrible for your skin.” She laughed. “Girls Aloud forever wooh!’ she concluded.

Dear Geri Halliwell

I have written a song for you called Waiting Game, which is about love and being broken hearted, but also about anticipating your return to the charts. Here it is..

It’s such a shame
Playing the waiting game
And I’m in pain
Waiting to hear your name
I like the sound
Of my feet touching the ground
But when there’s no one else around
You’ll find me waiting

Calling out your name
In my waiting game
Its such a crying shame
That I’m waiting

Love hurts, don’t you know that this is true
Pain hurts, while I’m waiting for you
Tears fall, all over my face
You disappeared without a trace
So I scream, because I want to go faster
And you bag it up because I ask ya
Look at me my chico latino
I’m waiting
In my waiting game.

RAP (optional): Yo check the mic, I’m waitin, ya’ll
Don’t you let those tears fall
Cos Geri is back and comin at ya
Listen up Bitch or I’ll f*****g cut ya
She’s done presentin’ and pop stars too
But now she’s back to sing for you
All the gangstaz in the hood what you waitin for
When she sings lift me up you shout encore
It doesn’t matter if your black, white or queer
Have no fear cos Ginger spice is here
All you Geri fans, she’s gonna blow you a kiss
But she don’t want no lyrical diss.
Be afraid if y’all don’t buy this record en mass
Because this mother f****r will pop a cap in your ass!
REPEAT

I hope you like it Geri. The first bit can be sung over Calling and the rap can be sung over Lose yourself in the music by Eminem, so you might need a proper DJ to mix the tracks together before attempting to sing them. Well, I’ve got to go now, we are taking the dog to the vets tonight because he is too old. Good luck with your music. I can’t wait to hear it. Please can I have a photograph of you and details on how to join your fan club, because I have got a job on the market now selling shoes, so I can afford about fifteen ponds a week.

Yours forever and more,

Leigh Clark

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