Dear Bella Emberg

Many Thanks

Love from Leigh

P.S I will be ninety four next birthday. I’m not married.

I felt awful when Bella sent back such a nice letter…

Dear Leigh

Thank you so much for your lovely letter. Please find enclosed a signed photograph just for you.

Russ’ career has changed, he wants to do other things!! All I can say is that I had 18 years as one of his supports. We had a lot of fun but it was very hard work too.

Our sense of humour and comedy is a bit ‘old hat’ at the moment. It will come back but not in my life span.

I have just finished working with Basil Brush and I had a ‘ball’. Custard pies everywhere. I had a whale of a time. It should be out (the first episode) in September B.B.C.T.V. at 4.30 p.m. I’d love to do more of these.

I think the only way of seeing Russ and I singing would be repeats only.

Keep Well

With lots of love from

Bella Emberg

Bella’s response is dated 27th June 2002

I LOVE HER! More so because she sent her letter in a little envelope with a note on for the postman that says: Please do not bend, photograph, Many Thanks. and inside she had toughened the envelope with a piece of card that she had cut out from the back of a pack of Easter Cards. God Bless Her!

Madonna Keeps Truth From Fans

Madonna, the singer, last night stunned fans when she refused to confirm or deny whether she had any secrets. A Source exclusively informed us, “I’m fairly sure she has some beauty secrets.”

Lisa Scott-Lee’s Changing Rooms

Former Steps songstress Lisa Scott-Lee has today announced that she plans to redecorate her dining room. She told us exclusively, “I think I’ll probably paint it plum and I’ve seen a new dining table that I’d like. It’s dead nice.”

Jordan’s Tearjerker

Following the success of her previous books, busty beauty Katie price a.k.a Jordan is set to release a tearjerker novel. “It’s about puppies being kicked to death” she told our source.

Dear Matt Damon

I have been a fan of yours since I saw you in that film you did. It was great. I am thrilled that you have decided to come and work in England. I do think you need to raise your profile though, because I asked around and a few people didn’t know who you were. My milkman did but I asked my neighbour and she thought you were a bar of chocolate, she is ninety-eight next week, so we’re having a surprise party for her. All of her friends and family are going to sneak into her house while her helper gives her a bath and we’re going to hide in her dining room. She will jump out of her skin when we she gets out of her stair-lift and enters the room as we’re all going to shout surprise and let off party poppers and fireworks. I can’t wait to see the look on her little face. Do you want to come?

Anyway, to raise your profile I have created some ideas for TV shows which may be of some interest to you. Old people generally tend to watch a lot of television so you will be a household name within no time. Firstly there’s ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’, – you will travel around seaside towns visiting famous attractions such as Blackpool Tower and a monument in Scunthorpe. You will then say whether you think it’s nicer than America or not. If it is then you award the Mayor with a ‘Matt’s Summer Jamboree’ certificate and rosette. If you don’t like it then the mayor unfortunately gets gunged in a big tank. I’m sorry Matt, but this is only fair. It will make great viewing and my neighbour said that she would definitely be interested in a show of this calibre.

My other idea is ‘Damon Dares’ – in this you will be given a choice of six golden envelopes each containing a different dare. You will then pick one, it could range from anything to walking a tightrope or putting your hand in a dog’s mouth. If you do it successfully you win a ‘Damon Dares’ mug but if not then you must give one million pounds to a lucky viewer who will be chosen at random from a telephone book.

Good luck with these projects Matt and if you want to come to the party my address is at the top of the page. Please can I have a signed picture of you before your fame spirals out of control.

 

 

 

 

Exclusive Kylie Sex Tape

 

Celebrities love nothing more than, opening a shopping centre, enjoying a glass of champagne and indulging in a few hours of passionate sex. But sex with a celebrity is not complete without the celebrity sex tape.

 

Kylie Minogue may be small but she has the sexual appetite of a monster. A source informs us: “Kylie carries her Sex Tape everywhere she goes just in case she comes across that special someone. It’s a Maxell 60 tape. Sixty Minutes of sexy tunes spread out along that brown shiny tape and encased in erotic transparent packaging, see-through is Kylie’s favourite colour. It has sticky white paper on it with ‘Kylie’s Sex Tape’ scrawled all over in the handwriting of someone who has just had the most passionate sex of their life.’ The source continues…

 

On a night like This Kylie’s Got to Be Certain that she can play the tape at the most impromptu moments so she always carries in her handbag a walkman and a pair of hot, round, firm, pink speakers which she can plug in as she gets a plug in. Kylie likes to take it Slow and teases her sex partner by gently rubbing her finger around the play button. As she pulls her lover close to her and takes his tongue in her antipodean vocal hole she tells him ‘This is Especially for You’ presses her finger down on play – real hard and Wow!. The first track on the tape is Roger Whitaker’s unique version of Wind Beneath my wings and it’s Love at First Sight. The whistling and emotional turmoil sends Kylie into a sexual frenzy and she tests her lover by slapping him and spitting in his face. It’s In Your Eyes she tells him. She repeats this throughout the track and then calms the situation by following with some Simply Red as her lovers cheek is a glowing crimson. Kylie loves her men to be meaty but a bit Slow so she plays them Simple Minds to bring the point home as their Two Hearts meet. After a few minutes of sexually Spinning Around Kylie likes her session to reach a spiritual level so the next track is We Are The World by USA for Africa. Her lover is in a hurry, Give Me Just a Little More Time she tells him as Paul McCartney’s We All Stand Together blasts out of the tight Speakerphone. The frogs sweet chorus is a cause for Celebration as Kylie indulges in role reversal and demands to her partner ‘Put Yourself in My Place’. This Red Blooded Woman could go all night but she’s got to perform at an expensive gig in Saudi Arabia. Come Into My World she commands and then goes mad shouting ‘There’s Tears on My Pillow’ which she simply cannot abide. He asks her why ‘Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi’ Responds the X neighbours star. After mopping up Kylie is normally full of regret ‘Did it Again’ she says to herself as she storms out of the room. ‘Please Stay’ asks her lover ‘I Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ He shouts as the door slams ‘What Do I Have to Do?’ He Cries and although Kylie’s exit was rather rude he admits ‘I Wouldn’t Change A Thing’. Meanwhile Kylie has packed the Sex Tape back into her handbag and runs to catch a Locomotion to that expensive gig in Dubai, the source tells us.

Amy Winehouse’s New Face

Amy Winehouse is set to see 2009 in in style as a source close to the Refurb star has confirmed that Amy will be the new face of DFS. The adverts will probably air after everyone has just finished their Christmas dinner. The source tells us “She’ll be advertising their six month january sale, she’ll probably just be filmed rolling about on the sofas and stuff.”

Dear Charlotte Church

I have told my associates on countless occasions that you are called Charlotte Church because you sing like you are in church and it is a STAGE NAME ONLY.

None of the other teachers agree with me and one even called me stupid to my face. I won’t go into detail about what I did to her but there is a full investigation going on at the moment and the less said on this matter, the better, as far as I’m concerned, as due to the lack of witnesses, it is her word against mine so I think I’m in the all-clear.

Last week I really lost my rag in the staff room as my theory became the butt of everyones jokes. Well Charlotte, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I stood on a chair and I told them that I am so confident that your surname is a stage name that if I am wrong I will allow every teacher to give me a free punch anywhere on the body, including my face.

However, since making this announcement I have been unable to find sufficient evidence to back up my claim as most of your press releases claim that Charlotte Church is, infact, your real name. I would have a word with your agent and get this matter sorted out as newspapers can get away with printing any old rubbish.

Therefore, the reason I am writing this letter is to request hard evidence from you to prove that I am right and that the other teachers are idiots. I am so grateful for you reading this letter and wait, with baited breath, for your response. I am going through a very nasty divorce at the moment but I really enjoy your cd.

Love from Leigh Clark

Charlotte obviously cared a great deal for my welfare as she sent me a photograph that said this on it:

To Lee (that’s not how you spell it, silly cow!)

Love Charlotte Church x

P.S It IS my real name!

Cheers Charlotte!